"What the fuck is with...Charlie Sheen??"

Charlie Sheen's in rehab. AGAIN. But this time, the man I still call "Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn," went out with a goddamn BANG. Man, did he fucking go out with a BANG.

It was reported, "after a two-day bender featuring vodka, a "briefcase full of cocaine" and more porn stars than one would find on a Ron Jeremy Welcome Wagon Committee, Sheen was enrolled in an undisclosed rehabilitation program and CBS shut down production on his hit sitcom, "Two and a Half Men."

First, I've seen enough movies in my time that anyone carrying a briefcase and not wearing a suit, is fucking up to something. Now enter Sheen, who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, piss-drunk, surrounded by 6 hookers with briefcase in hand. Did he seriously think the briefcase wasn't going to stick out like a sore fucking thumb?  Imagine being the one person that sees this shit going down?  Charlie fucking Sheen wasted out of his goddamn mind looking like Jimmy Buffet on a summer day in Cabo San Lucas.  Walking around fucking clueless, as he's escorted by gorgeous women who have had more semen shot inside their large intestine than a landfill holds trash. Don't forget the briefcase that he's holding on to with his fucking wrist handcuffed to the handle.  As if he's carrying around a few million in cash.  Well, I guess carrying around a briefcase full of Colombia's finest is probably like carrying cash, right?

Be in the shoes of Charlie Sheen for a minute.  Would you do what he did?  Seriously.  I mean, the guy is divorced, and makes so much fucking bank playing a womanizer on some bullshit tv show with that guy from "Pretty in Pink" and some kid that looks like he'll never know what a vagina is, ever.  If I had to work with those two fucks every damn day, I would probably want to snort endless amounts of blow, become a fucking alcoholic and binge fuck whores too.  In his defense, I think he was stressed.  But fuck man, did you have to go crazy for two fucking straight days?  One day wasn't enough?

So what's next for "Wild Thing"?  Well, prior to Sheen entering rehab, he was rushed to the hospital for an apparent "hernia condition." Hernia condition? The mother fucker spent two straight fucking days drinking vodka, snorting mountains of blow and fucking porn stars. The best excuse his agent could report was that he got a fucking "hernia condition"? This, as opposed to the overall lingering effects of spending several days furiously downing anything with a viscosity lighter than Jell-O? For fuck's sake man, America isn't stupid.

You really couldn't find something more scripted for a movie. And in all honesty, I think this is pretty fucking AWESOME! I have met some people with fucked up problems in my lifetime. But I don't know anyone that has done what Charlie Sheen has done. EVER. Who the hell goes on a two-day bender of drinking endless amounts of vodka and snorts fists full of cocaine...while banging hot, horny, loose pussy bitches? Charlie Sheen, that's fucking who.  Give the guy credit, porn stars were reportedly tapping the fuck out because they couldn't hang with the star from the hit movie, "Hot Shots".  But we all know if it was all about a fucking marathon, they would dominate.  However, drinking, drugs and fucking...Charlie fucking Sheen runs the shit.  I really don't know whether to praise the guy or hope he goes into cardiac arrest. It's kind of a toss up.

All I'm sayin' is that you know shit has hit rock bottom for my man I also like to call "James Russell," when Lindsay Lohan tells TMZ that she's "worried" for him. That's right...Lindsay fucking Lohan. Bitch, aren't you one to talk? All fucked up off booze, coke and diet pills. Worried? Your ass needs to be worried that you don't end up in jail again with those butch ass women who are looking to welcome you to Dykeville. Hope you're ready to munch on some hairy box, sweet tits.  You just need to stop Lindsay, with your drug using ass. 

I guess the saying must be true, Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

"What the fuck is with... Guys in Suits??"

My first job out of college, I was in Sales.  Go fucking figure, right?  And every goddamn day, I wore a suit, tie, and slick ass shoes.  To be honest, dressing up like I was going to a wedding every fucking day was just a pain in the ass.  I would have rather just hung out in my boxers all day with my dick hanging out.  Yeah, it was cool to look all pimp and shit, but fuck, to wear a fucking suit 5 days a week?  I did this shit for 5 years and said, "Peace the fuck out!  I'm done with this bullshit."  Now, the only time I wear a suit is for a wedding or a funeral.  Both at which I get wasted and end up leaving the event with just slacks, tie and shoes. 

But today is not about me and how good I use to look all decked out in Kenneth Cole.  Today's column is about those douche bags that walk around in their fucking $1,000 jet black suits and think they are P fucking Diddy.  You know exactly who I'm talking about.

Mr. Fucking Wall Street, Slap Dick - Attorney at Law, Shopping Mall Floor Rep, Valet Attendant, Maitre d, Bouncer, whoever.  I'm talking about these pricks that think just because they wear a suit, they are this big important mother fucking person.  Hey, I get it.  Some of you have a job were you need to dress nice.  But do you really need to walk around like you run shit?  I wore a suit too and I wasn't walking around the fucking streets of San Francisco thinking my dick was 12 inches and my balls were made of steel.

And the attitude.  What is up with that?  Who rammed that giant stick up your goddamn ass?  Mr. Bouncer with the ear piece...here's my I.D., let me go inside and grab a fucking cocktail.  What the fuck is with the puffed out chest and all the goddamn questions.  You a cop mother fucker?  No. You're a bouncer who is wearing a black suit with Wolverine Steel toe boots.  Check yourself mother fucker.  You may be big but not big enough where I wouldn't bitch slap your ass.  Drunk, of course.   

Oh, and Maitre d, how do you say in French, "Go fuck yourself?"  So what, you work for a swanky ass place.  You also get paid $10/hour.  If I didn't love this steak so much I would throw it at you, bitch.  Take your suit and nice shoes and go fuck yourself.  I really hope the reason why you have this job is to get laid.  If you do, I hope your ass is getting ass a lot.  Fuck face. 

Mr. Money Bags Wall Street and broke ass Johnny Cochran Attorney at Law, I didn't forget about you two fucks.  You two are my most favorite.  Expensive suit, shoes, laptop bag, watch, phone...shit, even the very gel in your hair cost loot.  You make money...lots of it.  I get it. But just because you are dressed to the 9's, does that mean everyone around you is a peasant?  I may dress like one but you can go fuck yourself if you think I'm one.  The arrogance and cockiness is what kills me about these clowns.  They think they can buy anything along with fuck any chick that resembles a super model.  All because they wear a suit.  News flash cock smoker - this persona that you bring to the table, doesn't fucking impress me big guy.  The world knows you're a fucking asshole with a little ass dick that probably has a bad case of gonorrhea and drinks Metamucil every goddamn day.  It's mother fuckers like you that make mother fuckers like me, laugh at pricks like you.  Only dumb bitches with $2/hour jobs gravitate to you because you have those deep pockets and drive that brand new Mercedes Benz with a $1,000/month car payment.

It's not that I'm jealous of the fact that you have a huge bank roll or have nice clothes.  Been there, done that.  I just can't get over the fact that no matter where you are, you think you run shit.  The only shit you should be running is away, from people like me, that would love the chance to slap the shit out of people like you.  This goes for the big bad bouncer, Maitre d and those other fucks that think the suit they wear gives them this freedom to act like they are so fucking bad ass.

"What the fuck is with...guys in suits?"  Maybe they weren't hugged enough as a kid.  Whatever the case, they can lick my asshole.  I'm out.     

"What the fuck is with... Pajama Jeans??"

Three weeks into the New Year, and looky what is more popular than ever. That's right ladies, it's time to fucking let yourselves go. You can be fat and still have pants that appear as though they fit comfortably.

They claim to be so comfortable you can drink a box of wine and pass out at 1:30 in the afternoon without even taking them off!! They looks so real, they even put pockets with stitching on the back of them. WHAT?! That’s such a concept, who thought of putting pockets on pants?

What does the pajama jean say about the American population? From last year’s hit the Snuggie, to this year’s phenomenon the Pajama Jean, does America really need another piece of clothing to keep warm while lazing around the house? Your fat ass isn't comfortable sitting in your sweats bitch? Do you need a quick fix in the fashion department to make yourself feel better for becoming almost just as worthless as one human being can be? Well then, the Pajama Jean is the perfect solution for you, gorgeous. If this keeps overweight housewives from going to the grocery store in their plaid pants, all the power to them... And I guess I'm semi-okay with them.

But hey, did I mention that they're available in 8 sizes, including XS and Plus Sizes? Plus Sizes? You don’t fucking say?! Fat bitches can even fit into these?? I mean, if you’re unemployed and heading out to your baby daddy's mom’s house to pick up Junior, then I can see how going to the trouble of putting on some pants can be asking too much.

How depressed are you?? If there are mornings where you feel like you can’t deal with even the most mundane of day-to-day adult responsibilities because you wish you had pajama’s that look like jeans... maybe you shouldn’t leave the house? OR, maybe it's time to have a pill cocktail and just end it all?

Pajama Jeans claim to be the most comfortable and fashionable pair of pants a lady has ever worn. Umm.. like chicks give a flying fuck how comfortable jeans are. Must almost be as comfortable as those 7's that cut so tight into your hips that you have more muffin tops than that famous Seinfeld episode. Sure jeans can be uncomfortable, but only if they DON’T FIT. You see these bitches walking around in jeans 3 sizes too small, just to say they can fit into the hottest pair of Citizen for Humanity jeans when they're really a size 27. But come-the-fuck-on...you have 3 inches of muffin top hanging out!

Alright, seriously ladies, one more thing that I just don't understand though... Leggings, jeggings, pajama jeans? I thought these things already existed.. Doesn’t anyone remember the 80’s? If these are “bum around the house pants” as they claim, what the fuck is wrong with yoga pants?

WAIT, I think I've finally figured it out though... You never want to have sex again huh?

"What the fuck is with...Buff Bitches??"

Dear J-Wunder,

What the fuck is with buff bitches?  I'm not talking about hot chicks that are in shape, I'm talking about chicks that are as big as the Ultimate Warrior.  How is that even considered sexy?  I'm anxious to get your insight on this. 

Thanks,
No Woman Should Be Bigger Than Me



Dear No Woman Should Be Bigger Than Me,

I love a woman that's in shape.  I DON'T love a woman that makes me feel the 12 hard months I spent at the gym was a waste of my fucking time because they look as if they could kick MY ass.  First of all, that shit ain't right and second, bitches that go beyond extremes to look like a Hulk Hogan's goddamn little brother, should be exiled to an island with other fucking meathead women.

I'm really not sure what they find sexy about being so fucking buff.  I bet prior to them discovering what a bench press was, they had an amazing tit size of 34C, a vagina that made men sing show tunes, and an ass that you could bounce quarters off of.  That's some awesome shit, right?

Now, the bitch doesn't even have titties.  She has fucking pecs that are harder than steel, a vagina that looks like a back muscle and an ass that could kill a cougar.  How do you go from the ultimate body to something that looks like Tony Stark's Iron Man suit?  Seriously?  Being in shape is one thing but looking like something out of a fucking comic book is just scary.

Men want to have conversations with you, not spot you while you try to max out on the bench press.  They want to have sex with you, not feel that "special" muscle they never knew fucking existed.  What man would date someone that looked like they were more than a man?  If they wanted that shit, they would be fucking gay.  Plan.And.Simple.

I mean, do women this fucking buff even get horny?  Can they get wet?  Do they even like sex?  I would imagine a woman that transforms their body is such a way would fuck nothing but weights.  I'm dead serious.  You would be surprised the shit some women could fit in their vagina.  I could only imagine how many straight bars are used as vibrators for these buff ass broads.  Watching porn no longer does it for them.  It's more shit like, Miss Universe and WWE Wrestling that gets them all wet and wild.  That shit is sad.  I would say a buff ass woman should get slapped for doing some shit like this, but I would probably get my fucking ass kicked. 

Ladies, do all of us men and other normal women a favor.  Put down the protein shake and the goddamn fucking weights no human being could ever lift.  It's ok to have milky, soft titties that both men and women love to suck on from time to time.  It's not ok to have tits that resemble cobble stones.  It's ok to have a vagina sweeter than cotton candy.  It's not ok to have a vagina that looks like something scientist are still trying to discover.  It's ok to have an ass that give men a hard-on by just looking at it.  It's not ok to have an ass that scares the living shit out of the Armed Forces.

You catch my drift?  This shit isn't funny and you're fucking up our universe for all to appreciate. 

Exile These Mutants,

J-Wunder

"What the fuck is with...The Shake Weight??"

"What the fuck is with...??"


The Shake Weight.  Do you think that can really get you as big as those guys you see on the infomercials?  Please enlighten me Mr. Wunder.
 

J-Wunder Insight:

The Shake Weight?  The fucking Shake Weight?!  Hey man, how on fucking earth did some dip shit create something that looks like a double headed dildo and actually convince people it works?!  I mean, for the love of fucking God.  Let me break some real and honest shit down for you...

If you want to know what "dynamic inertia"fucking feels like, here's what you do.  Pop in Jenna Jameson's greatest gang bangs, pull down your pants, lube up your cock and jack off so fast that you feel like you just took 8 hits of speed.  By doing this, not only will you feel the fucking burn in your forearm, shoulder and bicep, but wrist as well.  Depending on what hand is your dominant hand, go ahead and switch that shit up and do the other side.  I mean, you don't want to be walking around with one side big and buff and fuck while the other side looks like it has been paralyzed for years and got not action on your cock, right?  Don't discriminate, make both arms look great.

What men don't understand is that the shake weight has been attached to them for years.  I discovered the shake weight when I was 15 and was in my buddies bathroom.  Butt naked.  Holding a tub of Vaseline and a large Pepsi cup.  Staring at myself in the mirror.  Don't ask.

Since that day, I have had the strongest arms known to goddamn man.  I can curl Mini fucking Coopers like nobody's business.  I can do 1,000 pull-ups in 60 seconds.  I can do push-up with just my dick.  It's seriously fucking amazing.  You should try this secret that isn't really a secret, but a gift.  Fuck that bullshit double headed looking ass dildo you see on television at 3am every night.

You're probably asking, "Well then what about women?  If this "so-called" shake weight men have been blessed with, is at their beck and call, how can women feel the "dynamic inertia as well?"  I'm so fucking glad you asked. 

Women, more importantly, sluts, have used the shake weight and don't even know it.  Any man that finds these usual suspects, on a warm summer's day, has given these whore bags a workout.  Trust me.  These bitches are doing everything from the one-hander to the double-fister to the reach-around (while probably thumb wrestling the anus) to the backhand-sideswiper.  Wow, right? 

I'll tell you two things: 1) These ladies definitely feel the burn and get stronger within minutes, 2) These men are in complete utter pain from the yank job slutty bag Magee just gave them for 10 minutes straight.  Without lube.  Ouch.  Yeah, it happens. 

Me personally, really don't dig giving shake weight workouts to women, only because I like my cock to look like, well, a cock.  Not something that just went through a goddamn meat grinder...TWICE.  But hey, dudes dig that shit.  Along with the anus thumb wrestling.

The Shake Weight.  Its been around for ages.  Under the nose of all men.  Don't drink the Kool-Aid and purchase something that isn't worth your time, effort and money.  I mean why bother, when everyone can enjoy the real shake weight for free.  This includes women as well.  Anytime, anywhere...right there in your pants and in the palm of your hands.  Literally.

P.S. - See the picture of meat head and his shake weight above?  Yeah, you can do those same facial expressions with the "real" shake weight if you just listen to what I'm preaching in this column.  

I'm Stronger for It,

J-Wunder

 

"What the fuck is with...Neighborhood bottle service??"

Dear J-Wunder,

What the fuck is with guys who get bottle service? At a neighborhood bar, no less?

Please enlighten me,
I Want My Bar Back
 
Ball Buster Insight:

Dear I Want My Bar Back,

You're right... it wasn't too long ago that I remember when bottle service was just for the elite. Those with fuck-loads of money. And just in places like Vegas, NYC and LA.

Fast forward to 2011, and bottle service has become the standard (and I'm not talking just at Tao in Vegas either) but at all high-end clubs all over the country. AND, the craziest part is that your everyday, joe-shmo, bar is now offering bottle service to any random fuck who wants to drop some coin.

Usually it is just 6-7 douchbags sitting around a table cheersing each other every time someone says "I got laid." BUT, every once in a while you'll have some dumb-as-rocks, fake-tittied bitches think it's fucking Reggie Bush sitting at the table (yes clearly you saw this fucking loser on TV, bitch) and this jersey chaser will cause a scene like none other. This is when you douchebags win.

So now not only do you see the group of Investment Bankers, Hedge fund guys, 0r commercial real estate jerkoffs, but you also see that tattooed Jersey Shore wanna-be who is funding his evening from his latest scratch ticket winnings. And the worst part, for us normal bar patrons, we're now exposed to this ridiculous douchebaggery. When at one point in time, bottle service was meant to separate you from the masses, now you can sit at any table in the bar and have "bottle service" (i.e., mixing your own drinks at 20x the cost of the bottle). And goddammit, I don't want to be a part of it.

Where is the exclusivity people??! Now you just look like you want to drop an extra $400 for a good time. You might as well just take that money down to a neighborhood strip club for some rub and tug... because at the end of the day, that's what you're looking for.

All I ask, please stop taking over my favorite dive bars, I really don't want to have to resort going out in the Tenderloin.

Dive Bars are for Real Drinkers,

Ball Buster

NEW COLUMN: "What the fuck is with..."

Alright folks, it's time for a new daily column! I'm calling it, "What the fuck is with...??"

What's the deal?
It's pretty simple, you fill in the blank. Whatever makes you say, "what in the fuck is going on here?!"

I want it all... your rants, raves, grips, tirades, pet peeves. Don't hold back people!

The rules:
Be as creative as you'd like and send your "what the fuck is with..." to JWunder33@gmail.com

What you'll get in return:
My opinion, like it or not.

Alright, go crazy folks!

"What the fuck is with...Chicks who wear Cami's??"

"What the fuck is with..."
 
Watching girls run with just a cami on! Now I know many of the men will disagree with me here, but seriously there is NOTHING cute about women running and their breasts slapping their neck! If I am wrong J-Wunder, please give me some insight on what is so attractive about it!

J-Wunder Insight:

The infamous titty neck slap.  *Sigh*  To men, it's a fucking beautiful thing.  Well, unless your oddly shaped, overweight and have no business wearing a cami since your titties are the size of five gallon water jugs.

Two types of girls run with cami's on:

1) The perfect breasted woman
2) The one that thinks they are the perfect breasted woman

The perfect breasted woman - 32/34 B or C cup.  Milky and soft.  Perky and profound.  A handful of amazing fun.  That's these women, and they know it.  What catches a man's eye is when they see this type of woman running along, with no bra, nipples hard as diamonds and titties bouncing.  It's these woman, who don't really run run, but run swiftly like a fucking gazelle...giving us perverted men, a vision.  A vision of them naked while doing sexual things to them, that I would rather not talk about right now because there is a good chance I would blow a load under my desk.  I'm sure you fucks understand.

These women glide swiftly, to the point that, the titties are bouncing ever so slightly and gently.  In hopes that men follow their lead, buy them a few drinks, take them home, fuck them like little sluts, cum on their stomach and kiss them goodnight and run like a bat out of hell because what the woman doesn't realize, is that "hot guy" just gave her a nice case of genital warts.  Ouch!  So that pretty much sums up these whore bags.  Now onto type #2...

The one that thinks they are the perfect breasted woman - Anything that is a D size or bigger.  These women are midget-like, very chubby, oddly shaped, have huge heads and run like they stole something.  I'm talking like, literally sprinting.  As if they are playing football.  In a game.  Ready to run someone over.          

To them, big tits mean one thing.  Sexy.  And what's sexier than running in a cami, with no bra on, nipples the size of Gatorade caps and 100% titty meat jabbing them in the neck and face at vigorous speeds.  They think guys are digging this when really, guys are thinking, "I never knew tits that big could move that fast on such an odd looking/shaped person."  Running in such a way gives them hope.  Hope for that ONE individual to spark interest.  If interest does arise, not only does that lady succeed with an opportunity to see a man naked for the first time but, it gives her more confidence to keep running around like a goddamn fullback for the Pittsburgh Steelers in a non-fitting cami to lock in more action.  And we all now, with that action comes tons of sex.  Especially for this slut.  It doesn't matter who the guy is.  The mother fucker could be blind for all we know.  All that matters is that what she did worked.  Maybe not on the hottest guy.  Shit, maybe not on the guy that actually speaks English.  But she succeeded and will keep doing what she's doing until God says she can't suck or fuck any longer.

There you have it.  I really have no idea if this answers or helps you find the light about your pet peeve.  You said "breasts slapping their necks" and I just started writing with a big ass smile on my face.  Now that I think about it, I didn't answer a single fucking thing you asked about, huh?  With that being said, your answer is now below...

B or C cup titties - It is cute because it isn't slapping their necks and they're gliding, not running.

D or bigger cup titties - That shit ain't right and they should go seek help.  What are those big titty chicks thinking? 

I'm changing the world one fucking column at a time...


Keep the Hate Alive,

J-Wunder