Extra Icing

Party of?????

Duncan Hines goes Hip-Hop

Doesn't that sound a bit racist?

Sexissoshitty

After writing about the Vending Machine Challenge, I was fucking starving and decided to go grab my ass some lunch.  On my way to Baladie (great fucking Shawarma's btw), a chick was on her cell talking to someone she could obviously trust.  Lets just say this girl was cute after you already drank a 12-pack of beer and downed a bottle of roofies.  I know, I'm the asshole, right?  Hey, it's not my fault God slapped her ass with the ugly stick and sent her out in this world.  But I digress...

So she's on the phone heading in the same direction I'm heading and starts to talk to her friend/grandma/mom/sister (whoever the fuck) about some guy from the other night.  Now I'm not sure if this dude was the chick's boyfriend but from what I overheard, I was thinking it was some guy she probably went on a few dates with.  Here are the words that came from her very mouth (please excuse some of the broken convo since I'm trying to paraphrase the good shit):

"Last night was fun until it happened...I don't know, it was like our 5th date and I just thought, what the hell, he's hot so why beat around the bush."  (Ok, timeout...this dude was hot in terms of an ugly person saying he was hot so please don't get all giddy people...for fucks sake, geez!)

"Well, everything was all good until we starting having sex *uncomfortable laugh*...I think he was a virgin...is it bad if he's in his 20's and doesn't have sex until now?  I feel bad that I wasn't into it...no, it didn't last long at all...No positions, he just had me lay there...Uhhhh, orgasm negative ghostrider."

As you can see, this chick who was down to get a little ding-a-ling action struck out due to virgin boy getting with his first vagina ever.  I'm really not sure who I feel sorry for, the girl or the guy.  I mean, for the girl, it sounded like this shit wasn't her first rodeo and was looking to devour this guy like a fat kid eats birthday cake.  And for the young buck, well, shit.  How did he not ever pull any tail prior to this?!  He could have jerked off or something to get the nerves out, right?  Now, he will forever be known as the "virgin" who made the chick he was banging lie there like a dead fish, as he blew his load faster than one can start a BMW.

Poor bastard.  I wish I got the rest of the conversation...like the part after he did his thing and she didn't get hers.  Wow, only because I'm an asshole, here is what I will conclude:

After they boned down, he left her house with a huge smile and full of joy.  With not one ounce of satisfaction, she decided to find another guy to get the goods, only to find out a few days later, that "virgin" boy gave her herpes.  Now that I think about it, I was wondering what that shit on her lip was...

The Vending Machine Challenge

I love to eat.  I'm pretty sure when I go to hell, I will be this very obese person that gets access to all the food and booze a man could ever dream of.  Life will be so grand.  All jokes aside, I was presented with a challenge a few months ago from some co-workers that I've been seriously thinking about.  Could I eat one item, of every item in a vending machine (this excludes gum) in 1 hour?  Think about that for a second folks.  A standard vending machine holds roughly 35-40 items.  These include chips, candy, cookies and mints.  35-40 items.  In 60 minutes.  Hmmm...

Could I do it?  Should I do it?  If anything, what's at stake?  At first, the bet was, if I couldn't eat every ONE item in 60 minutes, I would have to wear a thong at our Pizza Friday (while everyone was eating), go to the very last box at the end of the line, eat a slice, then walk back to the elevator.  Another one was, I had to grow my hair out for 3 months without cutting it.  You're probably asking, "What's so crazy about that?"  Have you seen how fast my hair grows?  I've been clean shaved for over 4-5 years now and I wouldn't even know what it would look like to have hair.  Something to the extreme of a Chia Pet gone fucking bad.

I need help on whether I should take the bet as well as, if I lose, what should I really have to do?  Better yet, if I win, what does the loser have to do?

Hell, if this Vending Machine Challenge isn't the right challenge, what should I do?  Get kicked in the face by a donkey?  Make out with a homeless person?  

Your thoughts are appreciated and encouraged.

The McRib is back!

Its inception started in 1981.  I was 2 years old.  It hit all McDonald's franchises in 1994.  I was 15.  It fell off the face of the earth for years and it is back.  But this time, only until December 5th.  My oldest brother was a fan of this sandwich and I have no fucking clue why.  Any fast food chain that serves a not-so-real pork rib sandwich with onions and a pickle should be executed.  Joking, kinda.  I would say, "Yeah, I'm on the bandwagon and will go buy one." But honestly, there is a pretty good chance if I were to eat one, I would either A) Throw up, B) Have massive diarrhea or C) All of the above.

There are blog sites dedicated to the McRib.  Seriously, blog sites.  It's pretty amazing when you think about it.  "Lets blog about a processed pork rib sandwich and let the world know how yummy it is."  Really?  I mean, McD's couldn't bring back the Arch Deluxe instead?  Or better yet, the bucket of fries?  $2 for 2 Big Macs, anyone?

If any of my readers decide to go buy one and consume it (excluding my oldest brother), please let me know how it felt to sit on the toilet for 8 hours.