J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

What in the God forsaken mother fucking, goddamn horse shit, cock sucking ass clown, fuckety ball choking, cunt face sucker, ass FUCK?!

Is anyone else confused right now? Like seriously? Wait...am I being fucking Punk'd right now? Guys...what just happened? Oh snap, that's right...in this episode of domestic fucking violence:

When Worlds Collide:
It finally fucking happened. Fuck face Ronnie duked it out with Mr. "Snatch-uation". 3 years of build-up, multiple accusations, and a whole lotta bullshit. Folks, 40 punches were fucking thrown in this fight. 40. Guess what fucking happened? Not one...not one fucking punch landed from either guy. It was like watching two retarded blind kids with cerebral palsy going at it (that was harsh...but funny as fuck). However, the best part of the fight wasn't the fight itself, it was what landed prior to the fight. I like to call it, "The shot that woke up Italy": Mike's big ass T-Rex head into a goddamn cement wall. Result - KO. To him fucking self. You read that right people...this mother fucker knocked himself out...head butting a cement wall.

Who does that? Who hypes themselves up so much that right before a punch even gets thrown, does a Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka into a cement wall and knocks themselves out? Who? Fuck guys, I have met some stupid mother fuckers in my life, but that shit I just witnessed along with millions of viewers across America, was not only dumb, but quite frankly, the funniest shit I have ever seen in my goddamn life. Get the fuck outta here with that. You knocked yourself out, only to get back up, fight like a little ass bitch, then get carried out on a stretcher. One word: Wow. A cement wall fucked you up, son. Actually, you fucked yourself up.That shit is fucking comedy. And you are a complete fucking idiot. Good job jerkoff.

Ain't this some mother fucking shit:
Just when the dust settled between Ron-Ron and Mike, other shit went down. If you're wondering what, here's a Cliff's Notes version:

1) Sammi and Ronnie arguing. Again. About what? What does it matter...these two fucks need to be shot already. Fucking cunts.

2) Ronnie wanted to leave Italy. Why? Because he's a goddamn fucking pussy. Oh, and he hits like a bitch. All sad and shit about Sammi. Here's me...flipping you off and shaking my goddamn head. Pussy.

3) JWOW comes to save Ronnie. Wait, what? Yeah, the bitch played "Captain Save a Bro" by calming him down and rubbing his back. Shit looked intense. I was just waiting for Ronnie to rape her. I mean, ass fuck her. Wait...I mean, yeah...nothing. 

4) "The Situation" felt "alienated". Hey Mike...go fuck yourself. I would alienate my friends too if they tried to head butt a cement fucking wall. Idiot.

5) Snooki's boyfriend was pissing her off because he doesn't like to talk about anything "sexual". Uh dude...you fucking serious right now? Where's your dick? Oh, that's right...you left it at your OBGYN...next to the KY when they were checking your fucking vagina. You are a sad sack of shit my friend. How do you spell Jionni? G-A-Y.

6) Pauly D about to thrown down with the homeboys from the "Streets of Florence". Hey, I don't know what the fuck "Che Cosa" means, but if you were to say that shit to me and do that throat cutting hand signal you did to Pauly...I would have kicked you in the fucking face, pulled down my pants and shit in your mouth, son. Che Cosa...Fucka You-a. Asshole. Ain't no mother fucker from Florence, Italy tough. What were you gonna do? Fight Pauly D with a goddamn baguette and homemade salami? Do yourself a favor Luigi and go fuck one of your homeboys in their mouth. Fuck you very much. 

7) Sammi turns the tables. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie...it was only a matter of time before you went soft and got ass fucked...FINALLY...by Sammi. How does her ass taste, bro? I was about to write a paragraph on how much I respect Sammi for doing that but if I did, everyone reading this would know I was lying. I hope these two get AIDS and die.


There it is folks, in black and white. Shit got fucking real this episode but at the end of the day, all was well and everything went back to normal. Who fucking knew, right? I still can't get over the fact that Mike knocked himself out. I laugh every time I see that shit. What a stupid fuck. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed the Episode 5 review and you guys go have angry sex right now. Just don't try to do any kind of fucking funny business where you knock yourselves out fucking with the headboard and shit. If you do, take pictures.

J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

Aaaahhhhh shiiiitttt folks, episode three got me sayin', " What in the fuckin' fuck, mother fuck?!" Time to bust some J-Wunder critic review knowledge...

Desperate Times Call for DEENA Measures (good shit right?):
How do you say, "Cock blocking bitch" in Italian? Your first response would be, "The Situation" (in an Italian accent). This is true, BUT for all intensive purposes, the correct answer is...wait for it...DEENA-BELLA. This fucking cunt, right?

People, the #1 thing America can't fucking stand to watch (but love the drama it causes) is cock blocking mother fuckers. That's right. And this bitch Deena, cock blocked like no other. Lets forget the fact that she threw herself at some local Italian guy that looked like Pee-Wee fucking Herman but was probably packing a dick as big as a baby rhino (but smelled like prosciutto). Truth is, she hooked up with this kid because she wanted to get the guys of the house jealous. FAIL BITCH...you failed miserably. Lets be honest, this is one bitch, no man would ever be jealous of. I mean why? Look at her. She looks like she's a cross between that Frodo dude from Lord of the Rings and a goddamn Muppet Baby...but with great tits. So let's just end it there because there's a bigger issue...

SHE COCKED BLOCKED!

The gameplan was sign, sealed and delivered for "The Snitch-uation" and these twin sluts getting their threesome on, back at the house (please note, that sister that claimed she was a virgin...GTFOH! I know a virgin when I see one and bitch, you a slut). But that all came to a crashing halt when Deena decided she wanted in on the amazing fun. See, I wouldn't have an issue with this if the situation came natural. Meaning, Deena was invited. Instead, this goddamn warlock decided to cock block the party by swoopin' in on the fun and trying to take over. Rule #277: never let a bitch cock block your party unless she's willing to be part of a now, FOURSOME. Not sure what she was thinking but if you guys are wondering on how to piss off a guy, do what this bitch did and get in on the fun because, "You like chicks" and "You're a party in a glass". Somebody fucking shoot me. Please.

However, to this nasty bitches credit, Mike didn't get his threesome, Vinny popped a "virgins" cherry and Deena realized that she likes dick and not vagina. Not sure how she can like dick when no one has given it to her in like 2 fucking seasons. Delusional slut. Wait, she's a kissing slut. Actually, can a girl even be considered a slut if all she does is kiss? Those bitches are called prudes, right? Why am I still talking about this disgusting broad. Fuck me (not literally, but you know).


Love is a fucked up thing:
I knew it. I knew it and America fucking knew it. The return of Ronnie and Sammi and their dysfunctional relationship is BACK!!!! Why? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why...mother fucking WHY?! Who are we kidding? Why are we shocked? America loves and hates these two. Loves them for the drama. Hates them for the drama. These two remind me of that couple where the really fucking fat guy is dating the amazing 5'11" hot porn star. Or the bad car accident that you don't wanna look at but you have to because for the first time in your life, you will see, first hand, what a decapitated body looks like. Better yet, these two are like that bad case of gonorrhea you got from that random hook-up Freshman year in the dorms then got it again from that same chick at a random house party 5 years later. It makes you say, "WTF" over and over again.

Lets not applaud that these two haven't fought in 36 hours or whatever the fuck. We all know damn well that whenever these two get back together, by the 5th day, they are throwing shit at each other and saying things that make me look like a goddamn fucking saint. Maybe Snooki was right...maybe they are meant for each other. It makes sense I guess. I mean, these two mother fuckers are goddamn crazy and crazy people, love other crazy people. They love to fight, they love to lie to one another, they love to not trust one another...the list goes on and fucking on.

The sad part about this is, their shit is getting old. America is tired of seeing the shouting matches, the constant break-ups and whatever else we're used to seeing. When is America gonna see a mother fucker get choked? A mother fucker get shanked? A mother fucker getting caught fucking somebody else in the house? A mother fucker "accidentally" getting pushed off a balcony because they were "too drunk" and "blacked out" during that horrific "3 hour time frame"? When are we gonna see the real shit that is gonna boosts MTV's ratings through the goddamn roof? Only time can tell I guess. For now, we will just cross our fingers for these two to do something that will shock us all. They can still go fucked themselves if you ask me. Just sayin'.


Next weeks episode should be one for the ages. There is no better way to end episode 3 then with "The Snitch-uation" getting caught for running his goddamn mouth about boning Snooks 2 months ago. Where's the trust between the guys? Well, we all know, anything that involves Mike, trust is thrown out the fucking window. Unless your name is Vinny or Pauly D, trust no one. Not even your own fucking momma. Be ready to see a mother fucker get knocked out next week, while laughing your ass off. I have a good feeling something will be worth watching on Thursday. Just make sure to grab a bottle of your favorite booze, a hearty snack and an attention span of an Asian kid. You won't wanna miss it.

Until next week bitches...

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

 Liars.

Some are good. Some are bad. Some just need to shoot themselves in the fucking face because they are soooo goddamn awful. According to J-Wunder statistics...44.583% of the people you are either friends with or encounter, will be the worst fucking liars and story tellers you will run into during your lifetime. No bullshit.

So with that being said, let me tell you a story I heard from two friends of mine. Both bitches. Both funny. Both keep it real. There's only one problem...a friend of theirs (lets just call her an acquaintance now) ended up crossing the line with, what do you fucking know...her GODDAMN LIES. Basically, I heard this story, and of course, there was only one thing I could do about it. Write a fucking column, right? Damn straight.

See, it all starts off with a few funny stories. Nothing big...just something to strike conversation and get peoples attention. Because we all know...compulsive liars LOVE attention. But as time goes on, stories become...how do I say this - over the fucking top. For instance:

"My aunt was the Pink Power Ranger". Ummm bitch, ain't no Pink Power Ranger I know, is fucking Hispanic. How do I know? Well, unless you know a Hispanic with the last name Chang, then I'll shut my fucking mouth. A useless fucking fact to try to act cool, but come the fuck on...we all know your poor, 4 teeth missing, Mexican ass, don't have any relatives that live in Hollywood. The only family you have down south, live in Tijuana and are strippers at Adalita's night club sucking donkey dick for a buck fifty. Fool me once you dumb twat...strike one.

"I was a flight attendant during 9/11...that shit was so tragic." Back-up-the-mother-fucking-truck here sweet tits. If we do recall, on 9/11/01, your ass was 14 years old, getting tea-bagged by the older high school kids for menthol cigarettes. How in God's name were you a mother fucking flight attendant? Did they all of the sudden take 14 year old 6th graders (yes, she was the oldest fucking 6th grader in U.S. history) on as interns or something? Get the fuck outta here biz-natch! Wasn't it you, who thought 9/11 was the east coast version of 7-11 (true goddamn story). I think you did, you lying sack of shit. Fool me again...strike two.

"I'm going to Italy for a wedding tomorrow but will be back the very next day." Wait, what?! Unless they brought Italy to the mother fucking Olive Garden in Modesto, CA, just know that you're a goddamn, mother fucking, toothless ass, cottage cheese vaginal fucking liar. Wow! You planning to teleport there too, bitch?! *shaking my goddamn head*

Fool me three times...strike fucking three.

"That bitch, A.G., slashed my tires and I have proof. The cops have her fingerprints on the box cutters she used. Wait, I mean, we have her on a surveillance camera, slashing my tires with her box cutters then fleeing the scene. All in black. With a mask on. I think. Wait, um...yeah, that's right. She was wearing a cape too. Anyway, thank goodness I got my tires fixed within 2 hours of getting them slashed by this mean girl, but, could have possibly been the old lady from Titanic if I had to second guess it. Now who needs a drink?"

That's all she wrote, bitch.

For some reason, you literally had to make up this goddamn story and bring this girl in the middle of it:

Box cutting, tire slashing, cape wearing, bitch.

First off, who uses box cutters nowadays? Mother fuckers at U-Haul? Is our suspect a goddamn terrorists? For fuck's sake, of course not, goddamnit. She's a friend (was now)...who apparently (on this faithful night) wore all black, a mailman mask, Louis Vuitton cape, had a ninja sword AND AK-47 strapped to her back while running away because she was in a jealous fucking rage because you wouldn't tell her the secret on how you get your eyebrows looking like bent ass coat hangers. Lets not forget to mention she was angry that you wouldn't take her advice on getting dentures, since you felt men were more attracted to you by losing your teeth one by one. BTW - congrats on the 15 teeth you have left. It's a good look for you, fuck face.

And if it didn't get any worse, you decided to blame two more people who YOU claim were friends of your "Pink Power Ranger" aunt that were accomplices of the tire slashing homicide (please note these two ladies don't even know WHAT THE FUCK a Power Ranger is):

Ex Black and Red Power Rangers who worked with Chang during 9/11 on the Titanic

I wouldn't lie to you fucking people when I heard those words come out of my friends mouths. I'm 32 years old. A grown ass fucking man. So when I heard that some toothless bartender decided to tell a bunch of other degenerate drunk fucks about her tire slashing incident regarding Jackie Chan's niece (who's Mexican) and two Ex-Power Rangers who were involved, I froze. Froze because what I heard was something so unheard of, that I actually almost believed it. Can you actually believe, horrible fucking liars (like this) actually go to this extreme to get all the attention?!?! For fuck's fucking sake almighty of Jehovah Mahatma Ghandi King Jr.?!?!?! What the fuckety fucking shit mother fucking horse cock ass fucking cunt face?!?!?!?!?!

I have no words other than, whoever this broad is, needs to be hugged a little more. Please lay off the Charcoal Filtered Tequila. And quite honestly, check yourself into the loony bin. I realize people lie, but come the fuck on...Power Rangers, 9/11, 24 hour trips to Italy???? Get the fuck outta here you raggitty ass taint goblin. That shit ain't right. If you need attention that fucking bad, go to a strip club and flap around your saggy ass titties. Trust me, there are enough degenerate fucks to give you the attention you need.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a flight to catch with Osama Bin Laden. We're gonna go see Tupac in concert on my uncles island. You might have heard of the place...CANADA.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT!!!!!