Advice Column: Ummm...That's Not Like Athlete's Foot

Dear Ghetto Genius,

I can't believe I'm writing to you about this but who better to answer my question than the man who tells it like it is! Huge fan and thank you for the constant laughs. You make my day literally every day. I can't even sometimes. So to my question or should I even say problem...

So I was recently in Vegas last weekend and met this hot guy. We had drinks, hung out all night and ended up doing it in the bathroom. As you can probably imagine, the bathroom was probably not the best place to have unprotected sex for the first time but it is what it is. 

Any way, a few days after our little sexcapade (thanks for the word, btw), I felt something weird when I went to go pee and ended up with some gnarly rash. 

I have no idea what to do and think it's because we were in an unsanitary bathroom. I'm not saying you've had my symptoms from fucking tons of chicks in bathrooms, but if you have, is this what you experienced. 

I have a doctor's appointment next week and told the nurse I think it's like some sort of athlete's foot. 

Please don't think less of me but give it to me straight since you're cool like that. 

You're the best,
What Happens In Vegas, Came Home With Me



Dear What Happens In Vegas, Came Home With Me,

You got that fucking right! And for the love of Mary, Jesus and Joseph, are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

You were in Vegas, met a guy, fucked him in a bathroom, then a few days later, shot flames out of your vagina and also got a rash...and you think it was because you fucked in an unsanitary bathroom???

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT RIGHT THIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE!

DID YOU JUST TURN 21?

Did you fail Sex Ed?

Are you fucking retarded or deaf?

This is a joke, right? Where is Ashton Kutcher because I think I've just been Punk'd.

Lord, for someone who grew up Catholic but has failed to go to church the last 15+ years, please pray for this fucking girl because she needs Jesus. As much Jesus as she can get. Amen.

Sorry to break this to you, sweet heart, but in no way, shape or form does your bitch ass have any kind of athlete's foot. Shit, you don't even have a form of a staph infection.

What you have Whorey Holly, is a motherfucking STD. You heard that right.

S-T-D.

SEXUALLY

TRANSMITTED

DISEASE

VAGINA CHEESE

A HUMAN FLAMETHROWER

A FIREY PIT OF HELL

AN EXPIRED GHOST PEPPER

And of all places of contracting it...it was in motherfucking LAS VEGAS! Hahaha! Are you shitting me right now, people?!

Here's the other kicker, not only were you in Vegas BUT, you were probably there during the Syphilis outbreak going on right now.

Don't believe me? Check it here:

Syphilis Outbreak Plaguing Vegas

Now, I don't know how to say this but, you have got to be one of the dumbest motherfuckers on this planet to think you got those symptoms from boning in a bathroom. Unless a bunch of naked and filthy homeless people had an orgy in that same bathroom, 5 minutes prior to you and hot guy going in there, and those same homeless people being butt ass naked blowing loads everywhere, beyond the eye can see, then rubbing their feet, anuses and every body part on every inch of that stall, then MAYBE I'd say, "Ok, maybe that's why." But guess what? It ain't. You fucked a dude who currently has something and did his good deed in passing it on to you. Was it a dick move on his part if that is the case? Absolutely. However, are you the total dumbfuck to actually bang a dude who you've known for 1 hour and 3 minutes because he was hot and bought you a $27 cosmo? I'm pretty sure that is a YES. Oh, and to dig a little more into that wound you're bleeding so much out of, were you dumb as shit to fuck him in a bathroom and let him go raw dog on you? Survey says...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!

Let's not get it twisted, I'm a sucker for going raw dog. It's how I roll. On the same token, at least I pick and choose who I want to go raw dog with. Now, a majority of women would at least say something...anything...to the extent before fucking a guy. For example:

1) Do you have a condom?
2) Are you seeing anyone?
3) Are you clean?
4) Do you have a condom?
5) Are you clean?
6) Wanna grab a pizza later?
7) Do you have a condom?
8) Are you clean?

See where this is going?

But let me guess...you were "in the moment". Or ,"I wasn't expecting it to be like this". Better yet..."I was drunk...I wasn't all there when it all happened so fast." Am I getting hotter like the pee you're slanging out of your vagina?

I, my friend, have done my very fair share of fucking random broads in Vegas. How-the-fuck-ever, every time I did, with exception to this one time (because I was drunk and she claimed she was a Mormon...stop judging), I ALWAYS used a condom. Better yet, these chicks I banged, all had one in their purse like it was a goddamn breath mint. Whores. BUT, very smart and safe whores.

Form of athlete's foot? Bitch, this wasn't like you were on your dorm floor heading to the showers one day and while you were in there, realized you forgot your fucking shower shoes and actually got athlete's foot or some sort of fucked up fungus growing on one of your limbs. Nice try though. SMH.

There are no words of advice other than, you need to stop watching the fucking Kardashians and open up a book once in a goddamn while. Go see your doctor, have them prescribe you some meds so you stop having to pee in open areas so you don't burn anything down. Oh, I would also suggest, if you have that hot guy's number, to make sure he knows what he gave you. I'm pretty sure he knows but it's always nice to remind greedy ass dudes who just care about the pussy. Lastly, go to Costco and buy a lifetime supply of condoms and anything that a gun can't even penetrate through. It is your kind that is fucking up our universe because you want to do adult things but are too stupid to know what the fuck to do when you get hit with adult consequences.

Take care of your flamethrower and chill out on the dick for awhile. I don't know what it is to have a rash, whatever the fuck else and shoot stars out of your vagina...but I'm sure it ain't comfortable one bit.

Good luck and remember to consult an adult when trying to make adult decisions.

I'm out,

J-Wun

Advice Column: Breaking Down The Vagina Walls

Dear ghetto geniuses,

First off, I'm a huge fan! This shit gets me through my day. Now my question is, is it possible for a chick to be too tight? I love sex! By myself or with a man. I use my toy alot. (just vibrator not a dildo you know one of those silver bullet things) so my muscles down there get a good work out regularly. LOL But with my last boyfriend he couldn't keep it in. If we found a position were it worked we had to stay like that and keep the same exact rhythm or else it would pop out. Alot of the time he just gave up and didn't finish, It was frustrating alot of the time.  Now i am seeing this guy and no matter how wet i get he still needs to use lube. He says because i'm too tight. I thought the tighter the better?  Is it possible to be too tight? And if so what the hell do i do?!?!




Dear Vagina Whose Hole Is Tighter Than A Cinnamon Ring,

I'm no doctor. Although, if I were, I would definitely be an OBGYN. I think that shit would be off the chain. An assortment of vagina to look at all damn day...even the fucked up ones. Good thing I'm not though because I'm 100% positive I would face lawsuits weekly. But I digress...

I read your question and said to myself, "Self, this is a good one. Now, how the fuck are you gonna answer this broad?" Then, for like two days I went back in time and thought about all the chicks I banged and out of those chicks, who had tight vaginas where my wang couldn't stay put?

And as I thought about this, I couldn't help but jerk off for two days because quite honestly, I boned some pretty awesome chicks. So as my analysis and masturbating came to an end, the answer was clear...

There was only one girl. One whose hatchet wound was so tight, if I closed my eyes, it felt like I was fucking the inside of a martini olive...made of steel. Hard to imagine, right?

The situation with this broad was quite like yours. Wang goes in, wang struggles...wang finds room...wang loses and gets booted. Didn't matter the position or how much lube, something wasn't right. Was the chick I'm banging an ex-dude? Was my dick really as big as a mature field mouse? Maybe she was nervous? Scared? Afraid? Why on earth could my dick not go 2 inches in before getting kicked the fuck out of Vaginaland? It was a mystery that had me confused, sad and more importantly, sexless. Then one night it happened...

I was at the bar celebrating my buddy's birthday. Shots of tequila were flowing and it was raining Long Islands like it was nobody's business. Tighthole Magee cruises in, greets me and the fellas, participates in our shot fiasco and within the hour tells me we should go back to her place and cruise to Pound Town. While on our walk to her apartment, I had a serious pep talk with myself because there was no way in fucking hell was I going to fail, let alone have my dick fail on fucking this chick. "Eye of the tiger" was playing in my head and I was determined to do whatever it took to make sure that this night would not be a letdown. So when we got to her place I did what I should have done long ago...

I MANNED THE FUCK UP!

I threw this gal on the bed, whipped out my fucking junk, gave her mud flaps a good licking, then stuck my tropical popsicle in her with furious anger and great vengeance.

I WAS IN.

And when I say IN, I mean, I was so far up in this broad that I swear you could see the tip of my dong coming out of her mouth as happy tears streamed down her face as if she just won the lottery. It was like we were two virgins experiencing sex for the first time on grandma's plastic covered couch...except, no cherries were being popped and I wasn't titled "The Virgin Surgeon".

I manned up. I fucked her like Hurricane Sandy fucked the East Coast. With such great power and force that it spoke volumes. My dong, broke down her Berlin Wall. She was free at last and I got my manhood back. And to think, all it took was a little huevos, power and an attitude of attaining a goal. Oh, what the power of booze, physical attraction and determination could do to two people.

I don't know if the two guys you have banged are hung like mature hamsters or are just the "love making" type. The problem isn't that you're too tight. I mean, you fuck yourself with a vibrator...you never complained about that, right? The problem is that whoever you're fucking needs to fuck you and fuck you REALLY GOOD.

And don't give me this shit about how you don't like it rough. If a chick can birth a goddamn 10 pound baby that is 24 inches long, then getting pounded for 10-15 minutes should be a fucking cakewalk. Your vagina has a thresh hold that hasn't even been tested. Test that shit and break down those walls like I broke down Tighthole Magees. She thanked me for it and is a better whore for it til this very day. Ain't that right, whore?

Follow these words, have your man grow a steel sack and fuck you like a natural disaster is about to happen.

Things only stay air tight if you let it.

Time to create world peace...in your vagina.

Much love,

J-Wunder