Facebook Confessions: Oozing for Attention

Dear J-Wundeezy,


Ok, I have noticed lately that a bunch of Facebook friends I have, have been posting shit on their status that seem to want attention.  Everything from breaking up with ex's, how shitty their lives are to just being mad all the time.  What the fuck gives?  I know you probably wrote similar columns to this a few times, but this specifically is driving me insane.  It's soooo annoying and sometimes I want to unfriend these people that are just begging for attention.  You are the man with all the answers, so please...answer.  

Sincerely,
My Friends are Pathetic

Advice from J-Wunder:

Dear My Friends are Pathetic,

Your friends are fucking pathetic.  Why are you even friends with these fucks in the first place?  I have to say, this shit seems so fucking common amongst Facebookers.  What am I saying...these people are a bunch of Facebitchers.

Every goddamn day you wake up, you start your day pissed the fuck off.  Why?  Because Debbie fucking Downer has been bitching since 2am about the following:

1) They hate the fucking world.  You know what?  Sometimes I hate the fucking world too but do I have to fucking write about it you silly sack of shit?  I hope you get fucking struck by lightening you goddamn grouch.  Lighten the fuck up and go drink some fucking coffee or something.  

2) They are in constant pain and agony (back, neck, legs, arms, head...EVERYTHING).  I'm curious...while you sit and bitch on FB about your ailments, how on earth is that going to fix your problem?  Some of you mother fuckers aren't even 30 years old and you're talking about shit 80 year old people get.  Arthritis my fucking ass.  Just be honest and say that you have some type of STD, athletes foot, possibly AIDS or a goddamn yeast infection in your vagina and it's not fucking enjoyable at the moment.  For fuck's sake people. 

Stop trying to beg for attention from people that would rather take a bat and beat the shit out of you with, then wish they would posts sincere comments like, "Awwww, I hope you feel better," "If I was there, I would bring you some soup," "Sending my love and prayers."  All I'm saying is deep down inside your "friends" really hope your ass doesn't wake up from the next fucking nap you take...better yet, they are probably hoping your ass chokes on a big mother fucking chicken bone and your face turns blue.  Shut the fuck up you goddamn geriatric and rub some dirt on your wounds you pussy.   

3) They were cheated on.  Congratu-fucking-lations.  You know why you were cheated on?  Because you're fucking clingy.  You're bad in bed.  You can't kiss for shit.  You eat a girl out like you're eating fucking Chinese take-out.  You suck cock like you are trying to kill a rat with your mouth.  You don't act like a man.  You don't act like a woman.  Your cock resembles a coat hanger.  Your vagina looks like something from a bar in Bakersfield.  I can go on and fucking on people.

Guess what friend?  No one gives a shit about you getting cheated on.  Honestly.  If it ain't them that got fucked over, why do they care that the person you loved so damn much, fucked the goddamn garbage man or dental assistant behind your back?  Life goes on for people that don't have those problems.  What are you looking for?  Famous quotes from goddamn Socrates or something to cheer your pathetic ass up?  Oh, let me guess...you need a bunch of friends to take you out, get you wasted so you make yourself look like an ass so you can wind up the next day, on your bathroom floor, naked, covered in throw up?  Go fuck yourself and move on.  Ain't no one want to hear about the shit that doesn't apply to them.  You need someone to talk to, go see Dr. Phil.  I'm sure he would love to deal with your goddamn psychotic ass.

4) Their friends are a bunch of two face bitches.  I'll make this part short and sweet.  News flash dip shit...those mother fuckers aren't your friends.  They never fucking were.  You are just too stupid to notice because you think every mother fucker you meet on the street is your BFF.  Big fucking deal you met some people at a bar and you had drinks together.  Sorry to tell you this, but all they wanted to do was either steal your phone and wallet or fuck your brains out and spread those herpes they contracted last week.  Nothing personal.  See, it's stupid people like you, everyone takes advantage of.  Don't believe me...ask yourself why you go through new friends every 3 months you weird mother fucker.

5) Life sucks and isn't worth living.  Good, I'm glad.  Do everyone a fucking favor and go hang yourself jackass.  Better yet, go drive your car off the side of the goddamn freeway.  Have you heard of therapy?  Maybe, I don't know, finding someone you can have sex with?  I don't care if it's a bum on the street you need to have sex with either.  Have you tried masturbating?  Masturbating always cures depression.  For an interim time only, of course.

Wake up people, can you honestly say writing shit like that on your wall makes people want to still be friends with you?  A cry for help, ya think?!  If life sucks that bad, don't think some friend on Facebook is going to show you the light and preach the "good word" like they are Joel Osteen.  They are too busy posting pictures of their drunk friend making out with a tranny on their page.

Man, you sons of bitches kill me every time you pull some shit like this.  You think other mother fuckers don't have problems and hate their lives too, huh?  Stop posting your shit people don't want to hear about.  It's sad as shit and you look like a fucking clown.  

Oozing for attention.  It's like high school all over again.  The sad thing is, adults actually do this shit.  Fucking adults.  Can you believe that?  The solution is simple friend.  Unfriend these fucking people because the value they have is nothing.  Unless you want to hate life, become addicted to some sort of drug, feel the urge to hate others and start shooting mother fuckers because you are THAT angry, I guess you can still be friends with them.

Life Without Drama Is Like a Good Orgasm,

J-Wunder