Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Check yo ass, bro



What seemed like a routine trip to the shitter, ended up being life changing.

FACT: People take shits.

FACT: Shit smells...like shit.

FACT: Some shit smells worse than others.

Three simple facts that I can absolutely tolerate. But on this day, this very day on my journey to the Men's bathroom, that all changed...

I saw you. Yeah you, bro. 6'3". 220 pounds. Could eat a whole fucking goat if he wanted to. I made my way to the pisser as you exited. I entered soon after, then I saw my life flash before my goddamn eyes.

I've smelled dookie before. However, this...this was mother fucking unbearable. It was like I walked into a wall of diarrhea, while snowballs made of a sumo wrestler's shit were being thrown in my fucking face. First thought, "WTF...goddamn mother fucker. I need to leave." Only one problem...the other bathroom is an elevator ride down...AND I had to piss so damn bad that if I walked 10 more steps, I'd have to say the sink exploded for my pants being all wet. FAIL. So I sacked up and dealt with it...FML.

People, I've never smelled anything like this. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. If I could describe it, I would. But there are no words. Only pure and utter shock and silence. Worse than a mother fucker dying. Just note, that any human being that can take a shit like that and make a person speechless needs to do the following:

- Don't eat. Ever again.

- See a doctor. I don't know if you ate a human body and it never digested, but you better check you son of a bitch. Something is terribly wrong with your insides.

- Stop drinking malt liquor. I can't describe what your shit smelled like, but one thing I do know, there was a hint of Olde English in that mother fucker. Stop that shit. Please.

- Exercise. You're probably asking, "Me? Exercise? Why?" Well for starters, your shit doesn't smell right, bro. Matter of fact, it smelled so fucking bad, I felt like I got maced, lost my equilibrium AND singed all my fucking nose hairs off. So yeah, exercise mother fucker. Get your insides to do something other than collect shit and marinate for hours in that goddamn stomach of yours.

- Do a cleanse, enema or something. I don't know if you are fucking anyone but...actually, I know you aren't fucking anybody with a asshole like that. Release the demons son. Your asshole needs a goddamn exorcism. True fucking story.

134 seconds of my life died today. All because some fucking dude I work with, took a shit so bad it made me cry, contemplate life and wonder why mother fuckers like this dude, exist. Every time I see him go to the bathroom now, I'm either gonna 1) Piss in my pants or 2) Piss on his desk.

I'm going for the latter.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

This happens almost daily in my office. We have contemplated putting a sign up reminding people of the importance of a courtesy flush. We also have a rogue shitter who leaves their "mark" whether it be a stray dookie that didn't make it down the hole with the reast of the Cosby's or what I had the misfortune of seeing.. a little stray Cosby who was still hanging with last nights dinner. Spaghetting. That shit (pun intended) was so gnarley a little piece of me died that day.

Anonymous said...

i'm crying laughing!!! Fucking HILARIOUS!!

kristin77 said...

Omfg!!! This made me laugh/cry so fucking hard! LMMFAO! Thank you, J!

sykotik said...

i just want you to know... THIS WAS HYSTERICAL and i love you for sharing this!!! (sadly, sounds like my man after chilli, walked into a hallway full of his ass stank!!, WHY would you close the door on that except to murder ur girlfriend!!! )

Berta said...

That happened to me in the ladies bathroom ounce. But I caught the bitch before she escaped and I told her she had to stay in the bathroom to suffer the same putrid stench that she was making me and three other ladies suffer. I held my bladder until the other ladies left. I guess I can be kind of frightening when my nose is being assulted by the smell of a corpse that's been rotting for ten days while it's covered in human feces.

Anonymous said...

I am literally crying from reading this shit!!!

Dale said...

When I was in the Navy, there were a couple of Marines hanging out in the head (restroom). I dropped some down, but wasn't quite finished. They first asked for a courtesy flush, but I was a little curious as to (1) why they were just hanging out there; and (2) how dedicated they were to hanging out there. Eventually they cursed me and fled. And I got to finish. It was putried to say the least.

Anonymous said...

When I was pregnant I walked into the ladies room to hear some girl talking dirty to herself while she took a shit.
I kid you not
she was saying some FUCKED UP SHIT to herself.
"Oh yeah youre a dirty bitch"
"Oooooohh yeahhhh jsut like that"
*plop*
UGH
I turned on my heel and fucking left some people are DISGUSTING

Stephanie said...

I had the misfourtune of being in a public restroom while a woman was evacuating her soul. The aroma was so putrid I actually threw up! To make matters worse I had just come back from lunch.

Anonymous said...

At my mates dads job they use to time keep for wen the cleaners come in and every day was the same time, so they all use to go into the toilets at the same time and just let it rip,fully stinking the toilets right out, ther we're 4 cubicals, and believe me these dude shit smell could be smelt in the factory lmfao hard, and the worse part was they never flushed lol and my mates old man use to drink a lot and he was telling me this I just cracked up in tears, coz he said the shits use to be right around the bowl lmfao, and believe me wen he went to the loo at his house we all left the house hahahaha!!! Not great balls of fire, get balls of shit funny az

Anonymous said...

I have that problem all the fucking time, in the ladies room... and I work for a top beauty company in the luxury division. You would think these wealthy bitches I work with would have some etiquette when using a shared restroom. Nope, they stink up the bathroom, pee on the seats, don't flush their shits and on some days I have the added bonus of seeing used menstrual products.
Like WTF, reallyy??

Anonymous said...

Nothing smells worse than a raunchy asswhole. If you can smell you know damn well someone else can breathe it. See a doctor....

Anonymous said...

Laughing so hard my sides hurt. You have a way of telling a story. What an image you have left burnt into my brain.

Anonymous said...

Ha! We got a beefy broad at work, that looks like the orange monster from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Anyhow, this fucking tank, gets her fucking period juices all over the floor and seat of the goddamn toilet, and is either too husk or too ignorant to clean that shit up. G fucking ross...

Anonymous said...

Is it ironic that I'm reading this while taking a shit hahaha

Art said...

The courtesy flush is more than a suggestion, it should be a way of life for everyone. Diets create all sorts of "awfulness" so at least be considerate and flush more than once. And for those of you who haven't mastered the art of of the OSHA approved paper cradle for any turds over 10lbs. , get with it. 'Cus your tidal wash isn't cool on my kicks y'know?

Anonymous said...

Everytime i get a fucking hang over im going to throw up thinking about this shit.

Art said...

Oh and the big Orange monster in the Bugs Bunny cartoons is "Gossamer".

Anonymous said...

i worked wit a girl that would stank it up bad in the bathroom but when she was on her period it was so much worse u knew her cycle by the aromas coming out the bathroom. so nasty. Then I work now with a lady that had gastric bypass and when she says she has to use the bathroom we all run in first and handle ours because once shes done there's a 2 hr evacuation from that whole area. Its so bad I send in a can of freshener with her. we laugh at it but I would hate to go bad when shes done. I rather go around the building and pee by the dumpster.

leah said...

at my last job it seemed that every time i peed i went behind the lady who had her gall bladder removed and didn't eat veggies... it smelled like warm, raw, dog meat!! it was also in a public restroom and there's nothing like cleaning up explosive diahrrea off of the walls behind the toilet! wtf??

Dy Summers said...

OMG I am giggling my ass of sitting at my desk. You painted a picture so well that I felt I was there with you. I will be laughing all day about this.

Anonymous said...

The comments were funnier than the blot post especially the first guy! "Cosbys"? That's some funny shit!

Irked Skirt said...

I kid you not when I say someone thought of something to help you not kill anyone when you decide to release something that smells akin to Satan's spawn - www.poopourri.com