Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Shrek and Miss Piggy's Love Child
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| This has to be the ugliest fucking thing since genital warts. Jesus fucking Christ! |
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
That's Just Fucked Up!
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| How drunk do you really need to be to not feel your body being sharpied? Seriously? |
Rapid Fire with J-Wunder
1) Why do you have an obsession with talking or playing with your taint?
- Look, I gotta be fucking honest...the word "taint" is not only funny but disturbing as fuck. I'm really not sure what it is but the word alone amuses the shit out of me. As for playing with my taint...fuck all that. I mean, why don't I just start fingerbanging my goddamn asshole while I'm at it, right? I ain't trying to fuck around with that dark dungeon that collects sweat, debris of toilet paper and lint from a long ass day. Who the fuck do you think I am? Sick fuck.
2) Do you shave your head or are you going bald?
- I shave it. I ain't gonna lie, I'm a hairy dude...in some places. Mainly, my head, face, stomach, genital area, taint, asshole and armpits. On the days I shave my head, I shave everything else. Except my taint and asshole. Something about those two places scare the living shit out of me.
3) What do you think about having sex with a girl on her period?
- What's there to fucking think about? I'll do that shit all fucking day long if they let me. As long as there's water nearby, I'm cool. Water washes off EVERYTHING. Except STD's. Fuck that.
4) Do girls or guys have it easier? Why?
- Definitely dudes have it easier. Why? Simple. 1) We don't bleed out of our privates and get all cranky and shit for a couple of days a month (I'd shoot myself in the goddamn head). 2) We don't get the privilege to have little fucking humans grow in our body just to suddenly pop that shit out of our privates. 3) We aren't crazy...ok, some dudes are, but chicks take the fucking cake with craziness. 4) We don't need to put on make-up...well, unless you're a tranny. 5) We don't need a reason to why someone wants to bone us. Dudes just fuck without reason.
5) What is the one sex position you haven't done that you'd like to try?
- Sweetheart, I've tried them all. The question YOU should ask yourself is, what position you'd like to try with me? Cunt.
6) Do you snore?
- All the time. But all that means is that I sleep well.
7) What is your favorite wine?
- What kind of fucked up question is that? Anything with an alcohol content of 5%, I'll fucking drink. Next...
8) If you could fuck a dead person who would it be and why?
- I gotta go with Marilyn Monroe. That bitch looked like a freak and I bet loved it in the ass.
9) Do you have sex or masturbate more in a week?
- Wait, masturbating isn't sex? This is fucking horseshit!
10) Have you ever seen a girl use a douche?
- A what? I will slap you if you ever call me that fucking word again, bitch.
11) What would you do if you walked in on your parents having sex?
- I would punch myself in the fucking face then shout to my dad, "Pops, you need to get in that shit deeper. She's asking for it. Hey, when's dinner again?"
12) Do you think about your mother's tits?
- You are a sick mother fucker you know that? I did once, ok. Fuck you for laughing. What? She has big ass nipples, so how could I not think about those things. They look like fucking Gatorade caps. Mom, if you're reading this...don't lie. You know you got big ass aureoles.
Got any questions you want to submit to J-Wunder?
Email them to jwunder33@gmail.com
Perfect Reason to Shoot Someone
via: nydailynews.com
A game of Ding-Dong-Ditch nearly cost a boy his life after a middle-aged man blasted him in the back with a shotgun, police said.
The incident occurred about 10 p.m. Monday while a group of kids played the game, where someone rings a person's doorbell and then runs away, on the suspect's street.
Witnesses told police that Michael Bishop, 56, came out to his front porch armed with a shotgun, then fired it at the youths.
The victim, 12-year-old Jason Eberle, was struck in the back and shoulder. He was in stable condition at Kosair Children's Hospital with collapsed lungs, according to WLKY 32 News.
Bishop was charged with attempted murder.
It was unclear if the boys had rung Bishop's doorbell before the shooting, but neighbors said the group had played the prank in the area the previous evening.
"There were some complaints about some kids knocking on doors, ringing doorbells," police spokesman Dwight Mitchell told WAVE 3 News.
Local residents were stunned by the shooting.
"I'm shocked," Ida Buffat, who lives down the street from Bishop, told the Courier-Journal. "You don't do that kind of stuff in the country."
Another neighbor, Doug Dorsey, brushed the doorbell game off as just "kids being kids."
Note to self: Ding-Dong, your ass WILL get shot, fucking around with some white dudes doorbell in Kentucky.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Advice Column: Holy Hangover!
Dear JW,
Lately, when I've partied my ass off, the very next day, I've been getting serious hangovers. You seem like a guy that loves to party...how do I deal with the hangover aftermath? Am I mixing my drinks too much? Is there something that I should be aware of? Hangovers seem to last two days instead of 2 hours now. Your insight is much appreciated. Keep up the great work with the blog. I'm spreading the word "like AIDS" for ya! You're crazy dude. Haha!
Thanks,
Party Like a Rockstar
Dear Party Like a Rockstar,
Booze is like money. Too much of it, and it can change you. It can make you do things you never thought you could do (for instance, get laid). Say shit you never thought you'd say (for example, walk up to 10 very big black men and say, "White Power"). Regret things that...you never want to fucking remember (like fucking your stepmom). EVER. But more importantly, in the long run, too much of it will make you feel like complete fucking shit. Hey now...don't get me wrong folks...booze is fucking delicious and has given me the ability to experience the following, over the past 13 years:
- One-night stands (notice that is plural)
- Jedi-mind powers (not really)
- Whiskey dick (this was not pretty)
- Jail (don't ask)
- Waking up in my own puke (4 times)
- Waking up naked with one sock on (77% of the time)
- Pissing in the sink (once in the bathroom, twice in the kitchen)
- Blacking out (98% of the time)
- Getting a right hook to the face (by a girl) (she hit like a bitch)
- Getting a left hook to the face (by a girl) (she hit like a man)
- Bar fight (didn't even get to throw a fucking punch)
- Eating 32 tacos in one sitting (all of Taco Bell was cheering)
- Waking up next to a very unattractive woman (how do you tell a bitch to leave your house, nicely?)
There's a lot more shit to add to this list, but no need to bore you death. Bottom line, partying your ass off and getting piss fucking drunk is awesome...just not when you get older.
The cure to a hangover isn't some of this shit you hear friends talk about, or other shit you read in Maxim. I've done them all and you know what...at some point in my adult fucking life, that shit didn't work. From eating greasy food to drinking more booze...nothing could help me shake off the hangover from fucking hell. Especially at age 32. The only thing those so-called remedies do now, is give my ass diarrhea and cry on the fucking toilet for three goddamn days wondering why I had to go "all out" like I did back in my 20's. People can tell me all the shit they want to fucking tell me. When your ass gets past a certain point in adulthood, you're gonna feel it twice as hard. Where did that drinking mojo go?
If you never puked for a whole night, well you better hold on tight mother fucker, because you're about to feel the wrath of Raaaaallllph, goddamnit. If you've never shit yourself...have an extra set of drawers nearby, because while you're puking and crying with your head in the toilet, I will bet my fucking soul to the devil himself, that you will shit yourself to the point that you mine as well sleep in the bathtub with the water running because you're gonna be a fucking wreck for the next 24 hours. BTW - shitting yourself in the bathtub is really fucking gross but sometimes needed (grab a plunger).
See, it's not like we're young anymore big fella...where you can jump right the fuck up out of bed, and get your day going like some fucking pencil dick who's high on life. Oh, no. It's to the point where now, when you wake up, you wonder where the fuck you're at, and ask yourself, "Why am I still wearing a condom with melted wax on my chest? And why do my fingers smell like anal sac and Jager?" Has that happened to me? Matter of fact it has...on numerous fucking occasions that I care not to discuss at this particular moment in time. That shit ain't funny. Dick.
The thing we all need to understand when we start to get older is that, even though we can stay up late, doesn't mean that gives us the green fucking light to drink as much as we use to. Unless your ass is doing countless 8-balls of blow and taking "fuck breaks" in between, by all means, party your ass off. Otherwise, chill the fuck out and calm down. Now, that's easy to say but hard as fuck to do. Why? Because we're guilty of pretending we're 20 years old again. Take this past weekend for example. I was at a wedding. Open bar. You know what I did? I drank. EVERYTHING. Beer, wine, scotch, tequila, whiskey, vodka, more tequila, some shit that I don't even think had a name....blah, blah, blah. I woke up the next day with a boner and just some dress socks on. Head fucking pounding. I was so hungover and dehydrated, I thought I swallowed my goddamn tongue and was going to die in my hotel room. It was so bad that I when said to myself (not even outloud), "Did I drink tequila last night?" I had to run to the fucking bathroom to puke in the trashcan and shit my brains out. All while trying to hold back tears because I thought I was about to have a seizure because shit and puke was flying everywhere.
Who does that? Mother fuckers that are getting old, that's who. You wanna know the truth? The truth is that I was a guy that has been known to party with the best of them. I'm always the first to have a drink in my hand and the last one to pass the fuck out (ok, so that might be a 30% lie). Too bad the last time that bitch was seen, was 7 years ago. But as much as it hurts to think about it, I'll always keep on going for it...and I'll always keep failing...from here on out. And feeling like shit. I actually came to this conclusion when I was at In 'n Out on Sunday, you know, trying to get rid of my "hangover". I ordered a double-double, animal style, with a soda and some fries. I was so fucking hungover that I: 1) Almost puked, 2) Didn't finish my meal, 3) Shit my pants a little bit. That would have never happened to me back in the day. Matter of fact, you give me some fries and a blowjob, and I'd be off and running once again. But doing that now...not a chance in fucking hell.
So my advice to you is this: Realize you're getting fucking old, man. But like every jackass, you probably don't give a flying fuck, will plan to get shitfaced (again), want to die the next day (for the 1,000th time), recover for the week and do it all over again. That shit's a vicious cycle, ain't it? What we used to be is a long shot from who we are now. Before - bad mother fuckers. Now - complete fucking pussies trying to impress the younger crowd. You laugh, but that's the truth. You know how many times I've tried to act like I was 21 again around some fucking 23 year olds? Enough to wake up and attempt to call 9-1-1 because I felt like I was going to die. I'll never learn my lesson, and I hope you don't either. If we did, we'd be considered pussies that couldn't hang, right?
Never take my advice...it's fucking stupid,
J-Wunder
Monday, June 13, 2011
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