Monday, April 30, 2012

Ring of Fire



If there was one piece of advice I could give you all, it would be this:

"Don't ever be heavily fucking intoxicated at dinner and proceed to order your meal. Extra spicy. You will pay dearly."

I'm looking at the clock and it's 10:07am on Monday morning. I've taken five shits and I'm in pretty bad shape. Really bad shape. I don't mean "hungover" bad shape. I mean, my ass is in bad shape. And when I say ass, I mean asshole. Anus. Bunghole. Goats eye. Balloon knot. I'm talking about the Ring of Fire that has morphed into my asshole.

There I was last night, at a lovely dinner with some broad who barely spoke any fucking English, her cousin and boyfriend. Four adults, enjoying a nice night out.

Waitress: "What would you like to have sir?"

Anon: "Yeah, let me have your Dan Dan Noodles. Can you make that shit spicy as fuck? I like spicy."

Waitress: "Oh yes, we can make that spicy for sure."

Anon: "In that case, make it extra spicy please."

I get my dinner, dump the whole side of extra spicy sauce onto my noodles and go to town. I gotta say, it was fucking delicious. I also gotta say, that shit was fucking spicy. But since I was a little bit off my rocker there's really no telling how spicy it really was. Booze masks more than we know. We ate, had more drinks and went home. Then I went to the bathroom this morning...

I have had some hot shit in my life. I also have shat flames out of my ass. But I have never, EVER, EVERRRRRRR experienced anything like this. I knew eating that extra spicy sauce with my meal was bad. But not this fucking bad. I mean, I don't even know if an asshole could actually quiver, but mine did. I can't sit down without grimacing. Without feeling that burning sensation. It's like someone is taking a lighter and putting the flame 1 centimeter from my asshole and laughing at me. I can't wipe without wanting to cry.  My anus hates me. The toilet hates me. I hate me. The devil fucking hates me. Its gotten to a point where the more shits I take, the worse it's getting. My eyes are watering more. I have to wet toilet paper just to ease the pain when I wipe my ass. I've never moaned when I took a shit. Looks like that spell is finally broken. Is it going to get to a point where my ass starts to bleed? Can that happen? I would much rather have a hangover then go through this shit right now. Should I call a doctor? I have a fucking dinner party I'm going to tonight. The last thing I need is to burn down someones bathroom because my ass is acting like a fucking blow torch. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I should sit in a bathtub full of ice cold water or something. Is there something I should eat? Milk. I heard milk cures everything. Why is my boss looking at me while I type this on my knees? I really hope no one drinks from the bathroom faucet today because that spout has seen my asshole more today than it will ever see in its lifetime. TMI, I know...but for fuck's sake...my asshole feels like it caught an STD from the nearest massage parlor in China Town. 

If any of you have experienced this displeasure, please help. Seriously. This isn't a joke. My asshole wants to divorce me right now. Goddamn extra spicy sauce. Fuck you. Fuck you motherfucker. Time to head back to the shitter while holding onto the sidewalls for dear life as I try not to cry outloud and ask God to have mercy on me and my bright fucking red balloon knot. 

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ice Cream is your friend, keep it simple.... vanilla or chocalate... eat it, and if you need instant relief.. coat your anus with it.. you anus is raw and the toxins and spices are leaving your body.... only other thing would be to buy a tube of DESTIN for babies and coat your asshole!!!! Ice cream, you scream.. your anus with love you if you eat ice cream...lol!

Anonymous said...

were you that drunk that you forgot you were white?

APat said...

Hello, :) I don't know how to help your butt from burning other than rinsing it. Don't necessarily wash it just rinse it with luke warm water :) And this I learned at the hospital stay from birthing my child. Simethicone will help in the going to the bathroom. It will help your stomach and not make you poop so much. Preferably tablets. Take two or three, I think you can even take four, lol. But don't go crazy, lol. :) If you're not familiar with Simiethicone, just ask your local drug store/pharmacist to point you in the direction towards it. :) I hope you are eased from pain quickly :) I hope this helped :)

jennifer curd said...

I know this isnt a joke as u say but mutha fuck thats hilarious!

Roxanne said...

A butt plug should hold that shit in. Extra large so it doesn't slide out with the poo. You. Are. Welcome.

Anonymous said...

Okay, don't ask how I know this, baby.....but, you know that nipple nibblers shit you get at the sex store???? That shit is amazing!!!!! It will work. If not, the prep h pads to go for hemmohoids will do the trick at soothing. And you can even clean your ass with them instead of tp!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've had my asshole so red and hot, you could have lit a cigar off it. I hope you get relief soon. That sucks.

Anonymous said...

DO NOT - I REPEAT - DO NOT PUT PREP H PADS ON YOUR ASSHOLE AT THIS POINT! Your skin is raw, and if you do that, you'll be using the last penny to your name hunting down the mutha-effer who told you to do it. Having been in the same situation on top of being a mother (and we all know how nasty kids can get), wash your heiny with water each time you shit - just water and your hand. Lightly pat it dry. Eat TONS of starchy foods to bind you up (bread, mashed potatoes, bananas, et cetera) and drink tons of water too. Since you have a dinner party, you can do all the above and take some Pepto too. Desitin would have helped if you would have used it sooner, but since your skin is probably raw, it might burn too. So instead, rub some plain petroleum jelly on there too. And for fuck's sake, go home before you get all your coworkers sick from putting your anus everywhere! If you get them sick and they're out of work, you have to do more work.

Anonymous said...

Bag Balm, don't be shy, use that shit. Everywhere it hurts. You'll be good as new in no time!

Anonymous said...

Follow these directions. In this order. 1) wash with cool water only. No soap. 2) pat dry 3) apply anal ease. No I'm not fucking kidding. It's a numbing medication specifically designed for that area. 4) wait for the body to absorb it then apply desitin.

Anonymous said...

Doc here:
Are you in Thailand, fag-boy?
Cuz when I was there, I ate ass-burning pad Thai..
Yeah, extra spicy. Which any stomach not genetically predisposed to eating dog or camel should leave alone...
Anyway, when my ass was on fire, and I was getting sucked off by the "prettiest lady-boy in Pattaya beach, muthafuckah!" he/she just spit-shined my asshole with coconut milk... Soothing for the burn, and instantly got my Balls to burp up hot-semen on those fake eyelashes with knee-weakening aplomb.

Anonymous said...

Forget Desitin and Vaseline. BUTT PASTE, and yes it's literally called that, will work wonders. It's in the baby aisle. I used to clean my son's but with it when he had severe diaper rashes and when his but hole would be sore from severe constipation. I agree with others who recommend you wash it with water everytime. But afterwards squeeze a very generous amount of the Butt Paste onto a clean rag and wipe it onto your asshole.

Alexis said...

Lmao I'm sorry but this is the funniest shit EVERRRRRRR!!!! Cottonelle Aloe Vera toilet wipes & eat dairy. Will cut the "butt pee" down! Good Luck

Sinnyinc said...

Aloe Vera or Witch Hazel will help relieve the not so niceness going on with your sting ring trust me when I say I feel your pain lmao

Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing... Sorry for your loss

L-Train said...

Doc, we appreciate all the time you spend on our website. You have a lot to say! You should totally start your own blog!

Anonymous said...

Use diaper rash cream it works