Ghetto Genius: that ain't right

Showing posts with label that ain't right. Show all posts

Thursday, January 22, 2015

The APP That Probably Some Crazy Bitch Made For Crazy Bitches!!!

This is not a joke, people. This is not some photoshop shit I was able to conjure up…I'm not that clever.

This my friends, is the real fucking deal. The worst part…IT'S FUCKED UP!!!

LADIES: For just 99 cents, you can finally provide the proof he asked for. He'll be leaving his wife or girlfriend in no time!!!

This has got to be the most fucked up prank any human being could do, to any fucking body!!!

To give you an idea of how awesome some crazy bitches think this is, here are some reviews:

Who comes up with this shit? I mean, damn Gina. You and I both know that some crazy bitch out there is like, "Perfect! He ain't gonna leave my ass now!" What in the actual fuck, right?

As the ladies are probably sitting down and laughing their asses off as they download this amazing and cold-blooded app, you know what men are thinking?

"Fuck this raw-dog, pulling out and cumming on her back, bullshit. I need to go to Costco or Sam's Club and invest in some goddamn condoms. They sell stock for Trojan?" Shit, dudes who are about to fuck a chick are probably gonna try and sneak a peek on a bitches phone and see if they have this app to make sure if they do get pregnant, they aren't being fucked with. Y'all laugh but us dudes would do that sort of shit.

I can see it now, bitches like the #4 review above, are like, "This is MY YEAR! I WILL get MARRIED, even if I have to fake this goddamn pregnancy. Here's to being a crazy cunt that is finally gonna have someone in their life other than 10 cats!"

Think about all the crazy bitches out there sending this to a dude who did them fucking wrong!! "Hey bitch, remember me? You better give me $300 for an abortion or I'm gonna take your sorry ass for child support." Bitches could make a quick dime off that shit. *as crazy bitches take notes this exact minute*

However, if y'all crazy females want to get real shady, send some shit like this to a dude:

Fellas, if you're a guy like me who absolutely LOVES to RAW DOG and NEVER pull out (don't judge, that shit feels good, son!), after reading this, your ass better think fucking twice. Why? Because crazy bitches do this type of shit. Why the fuck you think there's an app for it? Some may say, "Well, that's a funny joke." Nah bitch. A funny joke is fucking with my keyboard at work. Do some shit like this to an unstable motherfucker, especially one who doesn't like kids, and you'll find your ass with a coat hanger up your vagina or falling down a flight of stairs. For reals, yo!

Some poor motherfuckers are probably bedside right now saying, "God, please let this be a fucking joke. I'm a good person. Sure I cheating on my fucking wife but I promise, if this is a joke, I'll be good. And I'll go to church 3 times a week. Amen."

For all those ladies who were done wrong, this app is for you! For you crazy bitches, you already know. For you lonely bitches who can't keep a guy, watch the fuck out!

This my friends is some cold-blooded shit that has me at a loss for words. When you have someone send me some shit like this:

Y'all making me try and get right with the Lord our Savior and not even have sex. Just immediately stop that shit, cold turkey. I don't care if they have a titanium fucking condom. I have found abstinence and will become a fucking priest because bitches be crazy and now, this is one more thing to add to their "I'm gonna scare the fuck out of this fool because I can!" list.

You're welcome. I guess.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

She's Never Going Sledding Again

Monday, April 30, 2012

Ring of Fire

If there was one piece of advice I could give you all, it would be this:

"Don't ever be heavily fucking intoxicated at dinner and proceed to order your meal. Extra spicy. You will pay dearly."

I'm looking at the clock and it's 10:07am on Monday morning. I've taken five shits and I'm in pretty bad shape. Really bad shape. I don't mean "hungover" bad shape. I mean, my ass is in bad shape. And when I say ass, I mean asshole. Anus. Bunghole. Goats eye. Balloon knot. I'm talking about the Ring of Fire that has morphed into my asshole.

There I was last night, at a lovely dinner with some broad who barely spoke any fucking English, her cousin and boyfriend. Four adults, enjoying a nice night out.

Waitress: "What would you like to have sir?"

Anon: "Yeah, let me have your Dan Dan Noodles. Can you make that shit spicy as fuck? I like spicy."

Waitress: "Oh yes, we can make that spicy for sure."

Anon: "In that case, make it extra spicy please."

I get my dinner, dump the whole side of extra spicy sauce onto my noodles and go to town. I gotta say, it was fucking delicious. I also gotta say, that shit was fucking spicy. But since I was a little bit off my rocker there's really no telling how spicy it really was. Booze masks more than we know. We ate, had more drinks and went home. Then I went to the bathroom this morning...

I have had some hot shit in my life. I also have shat flames out of my ass. But I have never, EVER, EVERRRRRRR experienced anything like this. I knew eating that extra spicy sauce with my meal was bad. But not this fucking bad. I mean, I don't even know if an asshole could actually quiver, but mine did. I can't sit down without grimacing. Without feeling that burning sensation. It's like someone is taking a lighter and putting the flame 1 centimeter from my asshole and laughing at me. I can't wipe without wanting to cry. My anus hates me. The toilet hates me. I hate me. The devil fucking hates me. Its gotten to a point where the more shits I take, the worse it's getting. My eyes are watering more. I have to wet toilet paper just to ease the pain when I wipe my ass. I've never moaned when I took a shit. Looks like that spell is finally broken. Is it going to get to a point where my ass starts to bleed? Can that happen? I would much rather have a hangover then go through this shit right now. Should I call a doctor? I have a fucking dinner party I'm going to tonight. The last thing I need is to burn down someones bathroom because my ass is acting like a fucking blow torch. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I should sit in a bathtub full of ice cold water or something. Is there something I should eat? Milk. I heard milk cures everything. Why is my boss looking at me while I type this on my knees? I really hope no one drinks from the bathroom faucet today because that spout has seen my asshole more today than it will ever see in its lifetime. TMI, I know...but for fuck's sake...my asshole feels like it caught an STD from the nearest massage parlor in China Town.

If any of you have experienced this displeasure, please help. Seriously. This isn't a joke. My asshole wants to divorce me right now. Goddamn extra spicy sauce. Fuck you. Fuck you motherfucker. Time to head back to the shitter while holding onto the sidewalls for dear life as I try not to cry outloud and ask God to have mercy on me and my bright fucking red balloon knot.