Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Vagina Chronicles

While this happened to me, this is really my vagina’s tale of woe. I am usually a good vagina owner, but this time I done fucked my girl up, bad. Normally, I take her to nice places, buy her lovely underwear to keep her safe from the elements and am actually somewhat discerning about who I let play with her (moreso these days). While I think she can be an angry cunt sometimes, for most part she is my best friend who lets me experience one of the greatest things you can experience: O-Face. Seriously, if you are one of those people who say they never have had an orgasm, I feel bad for you. Because that shit is LE-GIT. If you have, you know in those few minutes of nirvana after your legs shook like you were doing The Dougie, you spoke in tongues and your eyes rolled back in your head, that nothing on earth compares to that feeling. And if I never get to experience that again, I know why. I did something unspeakable to my vagina recently and if she never gives me another orgasm, it’s my own fault. I am going to let her tell the story, because like I said earlier, it’s her story to tell.

The day started like any other. Well, not like any other, because it was a week day and we were not up at the ass crack of dawn like normal, because L-Train was in town visiting and we were going to SunFest for sunshine, booze and fuckery (follow up on that, later), but first H-Bomb had to take me to get a haircut.

Now, don't get it twisted about my hair situation. While the Center for Pussy Control was not going to receive any phone calls  for vagina neglect, I had been looking a little scruffy these days. H-Bomb had been so busy with work and so many other things that she had not had time to get me waxed properly - she had actually gone back to shaving me, which I hate. With this being Florida in May, I was feeling like I had an itchy, wool, turtle neck on all the time. I was ready to climb up that bitch, shake her and say “take me to the lady that makes me look like a plucked chicken neck before I choke slap you and never let you have O-Face again,” because, I know my H-Bomb likes to have the O-Face and I know that is the only way to get that trick to take me serious.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Vagina- I need to step in here and set some shit straight before you have people thinking I am some heartless cunt to my little lady friend. As my vagina stated, I had been shaving because I have had not had time to go get my buttercup prettied up. For those of you who are waxing aficionados, then you know you have to have a certain amount of hair to yank out before you actually go and yank that shit out. As of last Friday at 10:56 am I knew I had waited the correct amount of time to allow for proper hair-rippage. I will let my vagina continue from here, but I swear if that bitch gets lippy again I am going to smack the shit out of her.

So, yeah, like the “brains behind the operation” said- I wasn’t looking all Sascrotch and, but I definitely had the beginnings of a crotch mullet that was all business and no party. For the record, me likey to be nekkid and, I wanted, no NEEDED H-Bomb to take me to the lady that makes me look all shiny and smooth, like a slip and slide. I know that over the years she has gone to several people to get this done and there were some who waxed perfectly and some who shouldn’t be allowed to wax a unibrow. It’s a special skill that you either have or you don’t and you should not choose the person who drips hot wax on your most delicate of delicates capriciously. But you know what that bitch did to me? She got capricious on my ass.

We went to our usual place and we were both delighted when we saw that our usual girl was going to be available. I personally like this chick because when she gets down to it, she goes all Viet Cong when she waxes me. She comes at me from every angle, hot and fast, and when she is done I barely know anything happened. I am glad this bitch got out the jungle to help me with my own jungle. But no, this is NOT what happened that day. Since there is a slight language barrier, when H-Bomb said she wanted Mae and the person said ok, I don’t think they thought she was being serious. They would soon find out just how serious she was about only wanting Mae to take me to bald town.

When they called H-Bomb’s name and some OTHER lady started walking us back, I knew this lady was not about to go Viet Cong on me. I had an overwhelming sense of shit about to be not right. I wanted to scream at H-Bomb, but as I only have lips and no voice, that was not possible. We get back to the room; H-Bomb starts to undress and lies down, and the lady starts shuffling around the room. If you are about to wax some pussy, you don’t come at that shit all half assed and scared. You have a stick with hot wax on it; you come at that pussy correct, like you know what the fuck is up. This bitch did NOT know what the fuck was up. At this point H-Bomb is being a real twatcicle, playing on her phone and not paying attention to this shaky-handed, old lady, who was about to start torturing me like I was Al-Qaeda.

She dripped that first bit of wax on and put the little strip on and I thought “ok, this won’t be that bad, just breathe through it. You know bitches that have pushed an entire human out of their body before- lady up and take your waxing like the boss bitch you are,” and then the waxing lady literally let ‘er rip. The first strip was not that bad and I thought that I could definitely handle this. Then shit got oh, so, worse. I have been waxed enough to know that if you put too much wax on the area or let it cool too much, it won’t rip out the hair properly, or in my case AT ALL. That’s right, this dumb trick put too much wax on me and let the strip cool too much and went to rip, but nothing came off. You ever had your vag waxed and the wax strip not come off after someone tried to rip it off? Fuck childbirth pain - that has got to be the worst pain ever. Someone should add that to the list of things people use to torture war criminals and stuff, because after she went to rip the strip and nothing came off, H-Bomb tells me that there was a white hot flash of pain and she swears she saw Jesus.

Now, I have known H-Bomb for 32 years and I have seen some of the fucked up shit that she and her brothers have done to each other, so I know this bitch can handle some pain. So even after the worst waxer in the history waxers defiled my delicate sensibilities, she let the lady keep going. What in the waxed pussy hell was going on here? You don’t let someone attempt to kill me and keep going. No, bitch you get yo' shit and get the fuck out. But not that clitty-cunt-slut. She just the lady keep going.

Until the lady went to rip hair out of me and again, the strip didn’t come off after she yanked it back.

Yep, that piece of shit owner of mine let the bitch try to mutilate me TWICE. At that point, I had to summon all the power of the pussy that I had to NOT donkey kick this old ass bitch in the face and make H-Bomb realize that while I like being bald, I do not like aggravated battery with blunt force trauma to get there.

So, I finally made that bitch get up, get her clothes back on and get the fuck out. Even if I did look like I had Adolf Hitler or Moe from the Three Stooges on the Cha Cha. Fuck all ya’all hoes if you think I was going to let that bitch keep going Mortal Kombat on me. No one was going to ‘Finish Me’ that day. So, with a cookie slightly battered and with wax still on it, we got the hell out of dodge.

And that is my Vagina’s tale of Woe. I hope we can all learn a valuable lesson from my folly. Never let the bitch that looks like Wing from South Park or one of the contestants on the TV show you watch when you eat at Thai restaurant wax your most delicate of delicates. She will karate chop the fuck out of your lady business and make you an actual Angry Beaver.

However, there is some silver lining to this dark cloud of pussy fuckery. When I told J-Wunder about this tale of cooch-fuckery, he offered to kiss it and make it better for me. And when that day comes I am not shaving or waxing for 2 months before hand, because that fucker loves him a bushy bitch.

Now, I am going to go back to icing down my hot-pocket.


drs104 said...

Sascrotch...too fuckin funny...sorry bout your puddy tat...ouchie! Im gonna show this to my girl,she got a Brazilian" before we went to PR a couple yes ago,took the lady over 2 1/2 hrs,no joke...she was all busted up...sounds like the same scary bitch that wrecked your cookie!...hope ur feelin better...peace chica!

Anonymous said...

H-Bomb, I hate you so damn much. I just spit sweet tea all over my computer and keyboard and am sitting here in tears from laughing at you and your abrused poor cooch. Yeah, I spelled it like I thought it. Girl, you tell a hell of a story...lmao

Anonymous said...

Girl... your story sent shivers up and down my "happy place".

Not good shivers neither!

Anonymous said...

Lmao!!! I literally have tears laughing @ this!! Luv it

Anonymous said...

Pic or it didn't happen.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha I love it! Fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Now thats funny....I have laughed till I cried!! Thank you for that!!!

Meli101 said...

That is hysterical!!!!!! Sorry that your pain brought me tears of laughter..... But that was awesome! Lmaooo

Anonymous said...

O.M.G. ur fucking hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Coming from a chick who is born and raised in the debaucherous land of Palm Beach County, I need to know where this horrible place is so I NEVER accidentally end up getting my nether regions waxed there! I love that your kitty has a very loud voice and a bitchy attitude to match..girl you are the SHIT!

H-Bomb said...

Anonymous from Palm Beach County, it's US Nails and Spa on Northlake. I was going to Mae for a long time - she could wax the fuzz off a peach and not break the skin.... I still get my Pedis there, though!

I used to go to Salon Cielo and now I am going to either Fleur De LIs in WPB or Hoochi Coochi down in Lantana. Both are highly recommended.

Btw, Anonymous, do we know each other? I know most of the local fans and when some find out who I am they are a little surprised.