Advice Column: Wonder Why They Call You Bitch

Dear J-Wunder,

Well in addition to the Facebook friend drama, I have a co-worker who is a bitch to me and was a FB friend when I first met her but I deleted her and all my other co-workers and other people I know that know her. This girl is a damn bully at work I couldn't even compare her to anyone that was a bully at school. So I deleted her because I'm tired of her shit!

I got a promotion at work about 8 months ago which bumped me up 4 step higher than her and I was at the same level well ever since I've gotten only racial slurs and comments about her hurting me like "I will cut you, I will knock you down, I will push you down, I will hurt you etc and she just says these comments randomly so this whole time I've let her talk shit to me I stayed quit and I really wish I could fuck her up but I'm not going to lose my job over her

My friends can't believe I stay quite since I am quite a loud mouth and I never know how to comment back in a professional way. I just wonder why the bitch didn't get the point that when I deleted her I didn't appreciate her fN comments at work. She still kept telling me shit and threw candy at me every now and then and while she was throwing it at me she says "you only get one because your a Mexican". WTF is that supposed to mean!? Anyway still at work with anger over that bitch and I can't get shit done because it's constant shit talking to me. Fucken fatter ugly hairy face bitch!

Well Dear Abby what do you think?

Sincerely,
4 Steps Higher




Dear 4 Steps Higher,

Before I begin my sermon..."Dear Abby," really? Bitch, I will cut you. Not cool. But seriously, calm the fuck down woman. When you are all amped up like you are now, please don't write shit down. If you do, please do me a huge fucking favor and use spell check next time. I couldn't understand half the shit you were saying since you were using run-on sentences like a mother fucker. It was like your enemy was in the room as your were typing this out, and not giving two shits how it read. Luckily, I have some people that know how to translate angry, so you're good. Now take a deep breath girl because J-Wunder has the answers you're looking for.

The problem with Facebook nowadays is that it can cause a lot of unwanted and unneeded tension between people. A good example of this is when couples or friends decide to air out their dirty laundry and choose not to talk about it like adults, rather, have Facebook status wars like little fucking bitches.  If I only had a chiseled toothbrush to shank those people with.

The other example is like your situation. The feud with that overweight, bearded fucking lady. The Facebook unfriend. Is it common? Of course. Is there usually tension afterwards? No doubt. I call that anger or tension when someone loses a Facebook friend, one word - BITCHASSNESS! What is Bitchassness you say?

Urban Dictionary defines it as: "Term coined by Diddy on Making the Band. Overall stank actions towards others through words, facial expressions, and/or song. Symptoms include: thinking your better than those around you, not speaking your true feelings, throwing large amounts of shade."

In other words, the Lochness monster you work with has been diagnosed with a severe case of BitchAssNess! In any event, don't fret. It's hard to walk away when people with this complex keeping jabbing at you, but it's ignorant peeps like this that do what they do, to try to get under your skin.

Now as for the comments of her wanting to "cut you, kill you, and knock you down" as well as the candy throwing and racial slurs? Well, that just calls for a bitch to get beat the fuck up or chopped with two hands in the goddamn throat. Let her talk all the shit she wants at work because she knows she can.  After business hours, you need to beat that ass. Seriously. I'm not endorsing an ass whooping, I'm just recommending it. You ever hear that quote, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"? Live by those words. Kindness is King...until  a mother fucker gets caught slippin'.

Now that I think of it, what you could do is pretty simple. Start becoming all chum-chum with her.  She'll trip out and wonder what the fuck is going on with your Zen attitude. When she thinks everything is cool, invite her out for drinks.  If she accepts, here's what you do:

- Buy her drinks, all night.  If this means you drop $100, do it.
- Buy some Colonetix and put that shit in her drink when she's not looking. I'm actually serious.
- Get her fucking wasted. I'm talking blacked out, falling over, about to puke and piss herself, wasted.

You probably noticed that second line item with something called Colonetix. Don't worry, the shit ain't roofies. It's better. Imagine having really bad diarrhea and trying to undo your pants while trying to open a slippery ass door handle to the shitter. No bueno. Bowel movements can be uncontrollable at times. So much, that, well, you could shit yourself. Bingo. That brings us to the point of Colonetix.

Someone "passed-out wasted" that has consumed their fair share of this stuff will probably do one thing. Shit and shit a ton (like 20 pounds of waste - true story). So much, that they have a 98% chance of shitting themselves before ever making it to the toilet. In their bed or on their way to the pooper.  Imagine giving yourself an enema and trying to hold it in your poop shoot for 2 minutes. You can't (trust me, I've tried...don't judge. it was a bet I took.). It would hurt so bad that your ass cheeks would start to shake uncontrollably and would force themselves to open, creating Mud Fuji for days. You want to talk about cleaning your system out, this will do it. 

Is this justified? Fuck yes it is. Could it work? Absolutely. Are you a bad person for doing it? Last I checked, you aren't killing any one. Is this payback? No. It's a lesson that needs to be taught without teaching it to Big Foot directly.

Nothing will be more rewarding if you do this and you notice that your Circus Sideshow of a co-worker has come into work 20 pounds lighter, days later because she thought she got the flu. Trust me.

Now, some people may think this advice is straight up stupid and just off the wall random. Although that may be true, try it sometime to someone you want to give payback to. I did exactly this, and you know what? Not only did it work like a charm, put a big ass smile on my face but it showed them that no matter how bad ass they think they are...trying to control something that is out of their control can sometimes ruin you. And your pants. BA-LEED DAT!!!!!

You're welcome.

Make sure she wears white pants or a skirt...it makes it that more rewarding,

J-Wunderful

How To Get Unfriended On Facebook

"3 Rules" Just Got Fucking REAL!

"3 Rules". Remember that column? To refresh your memory, here it is:

3 Rules

Did the situation come to a resolution? Well, it all depends on who you ask. Just know that having some final words are always important and usually put a statement and closure on "what the fuck is really going on". The very J-Wunder fan who emailed me to write this column, decided to give me an update on the bitch who she wanted to shank on their "mini-vacay". Oh, just so you know, this was probably THE best and FUNNIEST shit I have read from a fan (well, besides the dad who posted his dick on Facebook). Especially coming from a woman that I know wasn't fucking lying! Enjoy it and whatever you do, don't piss this chick off. She will do some shit serial killers aren't brave enough to do. She's Mexican, don't act surprised.

"OK so while in Katy we stayed with my friends, my hubby happens to be Godfather to one of their children so I made a deal with this bitch, that we could hang out during the day but in the evening I wanted to be back at the house to spend time with the family. She said deal. So we go to dinner one night with one of my old HS friends, and this bitch mentions that she wants some frozen yogurt. So of course, my HS friend says hey, there is a sweet berry in The Woodlands Mall, which is about 45 minutes north of Katy, now mind you it's about 8:00 pm by this point, but this bitch wanted yogurt so we go to the place. However, there is no parking, so this bitch wants to double park and have me wait in the car. I tell her that I dont feel comfortable doing that (mind you we were going to that mall the next day). Well, she proceeds to take off her seat belt and open the car door saying, "It will be fine. If a cop comes, just drive off and swing back to get me." I then say, "What the fuck did you not understand? I do not want to sit in the double parked car while you grab a fucking yogurt." She then looks at me like I was crazy and says, "I dont know what the big deal is, everyone does it."

Now remember this bitch is from Connecticut, and lives close to NYC and everyone THERE does it. So I respond by saying, "Maybe the people you hang out with do it, but the people I hang out with dont! Dont you know what the fuck my husband does for a living???" (by this point she has now put back on her seatbelt and starts to drive off). She says, "Stop yelling at me." So I respond like I am talking to my 14 year old and say, "I am not yelling, this is my voice raised, yes, but this isn't fucking yelling." She then tells me that it would not hurt me to be nice everyonce in awhile, and how would I talk to one of my clients (now again...she is staying at MY friends house, and when that bitches credit card was declined I paid for our hotel room). So then, I told her that I didnt realize I was in a therapy and she was a client. She then says to me, "You like to have things your way, everything has to be your way."

Now Jay...this is where I fucking lose it! And now I begin the YELLING phase and say, "YOU ARE RIGHT, I DO LIKE THINGS MY FUCKING WAY, AND IT WORKS OUT PRETTY FUCKING GOOD FOR ME. I MEAN SERIOUSLY LOOK AT YOURSELF, DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING YOGURT RIGHT NOW BITCH?! NO YOU DON'T! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP DRIVING!" She was quiet after that. I took that shit back old school, I went from living on Penitencia Dr., to fucking King and Story on her ass, I raised my pimp hand strong that night! And now she wonders why I defriended her on Facebook...like really?"

The moral of the story: pay attention to "3 Rules". Oh, and don't try to double park with this fucking bitch in the car. You won't get the yogurt you wanted...