Advice Column: Wonder Why They Call You Bitch

Dear J-Wunder,

Well in addition to the Facebook friend drama, I have a co-worker who is a bitch to me and was a FB friend when I first met her but I deleted her and all my other co-workers and other people I know that know her. This girl is a damn bully at work I couldn't even compare her to anyone that was a bully at school. So I deleted her because I'm tired of her shit!

I got a promotion at work about 8 months ago which bumped me up 4 step higher than her and I was at the same level well ever since I've gotten only racial slurs and comments about her hurting me like "I will cut you, I will knock you down, I will push you down, I will hurt you etc and she just says these comments randomly so this whole time I've let her talk shit to me I stayed quit and I really wish I could fuck her up but I'm not going to lose my job over her

My friends can't believe I stay quite since I am quite a loud mouth and I never know how to comment back in a professional way. I just wonder why the bitch didn't get the point that when I deleted her I didn't appreciate her fN comments at work. She still kept telling me shit and threw candy at me every now and then and while she was throwing it at me she says "you only get one because your a Mexican". WTF is that supposed to mean!? Anyway still at work with anger over that bitch and I can't get shit done because it's constant shit talking to me. Fucken fatter ugly hairy face bitch!

Well Dear Abby what do you think?

Sincerely,
4 Steps Higher




Dear 4 Steps Higher,

Before I begin my sermon..."Dear Abby," really? Bitch, I will cut you. Not cool. But seriously, calm the fuck down woman. When you are all amped up like you are now, please don't write shit down. If you do, please do me a huge fucking favor and use spell check next time. I couldn't understand half the shit you were saying since you were using run-on sentences like a mother fucker. It was like your enemy was in the room as your were typing this out, and not giving two shits how it read. Luckily, I have some people that know how to translate angry, so you're good. Now take a deep breath girl because J-Wunder has the answers you're looking for.

The problem with Facebook nowadays is that it can cause a lot of unwanted and unneeded tension between people. A good example of this is when couples or friends decide to air out their dirty laundry and choose not to talk about it like adults, rather, have Facebook status wars like little fucking bitches.  If I only had a chiseled toothbrush to shank those people with.

The other example is like your situation. The feud with that overweight, bearded fucking lady. The Facebook unfriend. Is it common? Of course. Is there usually tension afterwards? No doubt. I call that anger or tension when someone loses a Facebook friend, one word - BITCHASSNESS! What is Bitchassness you say?

Urban Dictionary defines it as: "Term coined by Diddy on Making the Band. Overall stank actions towards others through words, facial expressions, and/or song. Symptoms include: thinking your better than those around you, not speaking your true feelings, throwing large amounts of shade."

In other words, the Lochness monster you work with has been diagnosed with a severe case of BitchAssNess! In any event, don't fret. It's hard to walk away when people with this complex keeping jabbing at you, but it's ignorant peeps like this that do what they do, to try to get under your skin.

Now as for the comments of her wanting to "cut you, kill you, and knock you down" as well as the candy throwing and racial slurs? Well, that just calls for a bitch to get beat the fuck up or chopped with two hands in the goddamn throat. Let her talk all the shit she wants at work because she knows she can.  After business hours, you need to beat that ass. Seriously. I'm not endorsing an ass whooping, I'm just recommending it. You ever hear that quote, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"? Live by those words. Kindness is King...until  a mother fucker gets caught slippin'.

Now that I think of it, what you could do is pretty simple. Start becoming all chum-chum with her.  She'll trip out and wonder what the fuck is going on with your Zen attitude. When she thinks everything is cool, invite her out for drinks.  If she accepts, here's what you do:

- Buy her drinks, all night.  If this means you drop $100, do it.
- Buy some Colonetix and put that shit in her drink when she's not looking. I'm actually serious.
- Get her fucking wasted. I'm talking blacked out, falling over, about to puke and piss herself, wasted.

You probably noticed that second line item with something called Colonetix. Don't worry, the shit ain't roofies. It's better. Imagine having really bad diarrhea and trying to undo your pants while trying to open a slippery ass door handle to the shitter. No bueno. Bowel movements can be uncontrollable at times. So much, that, well, you could shit yourself. Bingo. That brings us to the point of Colonetix.

Someone "passed-out wasted" that has consumed their fair share of this stuff will probably do one thing. Shit and shit a ton (like 20 pounds of waste - true story). So much, that they have a 98% chance of shitting themselves before ever making it to the toilet. In their bed or on their way to the pooper.  Imagine giving yourself an enema and trying to hold it in your poop shoot for 2 minutes. You can't (trust me, I've tried...don't judge. it was a bet I took.). It would hurt so bad that your ass cheeks would start to shake uncontrollably and would force themselves to open, creating Mud Fuji for days. You want to talk about cleaning your system out, this will do it. 

Is this justified? Fuck yes it is. Could it work? Absolutely. Are you a bad person for doing it? Last I checked, you aren't killing any one. Is this payback? No. It's a lesson that needs to be taught without teaching it to Big Foot directly.

Nothing will be more rewarding if you do this and you notice that your Circus Sideshow of a co-worker has come into work 20 pounds lighter, days later because she thought she got the flu. Trust me.

Now, some people may think this advice is straight up stupid and just off the wall random. Although that may be true, try it sometime to someone you want to give payback to. I did exactly this, and you know what? Not only did it work like a charm, put a big ass smile on my face but it showed them that no matter how bad ass they think they are...trying to control something that is out of their control can sometimes ruin you. And your pants. BA-LEED DAT!!!!!

You're welcome.

Make sure she wears white pants or a skirt...it makes it that more rewarding,

J-Wunderful

Public Service Announcement: Get It Together

Today is a special day folks. Wanna know why? Because I'm actually writing something that might be worth sharing. Have a seat, take a load off and enjoy the knowledge I'm about to bust in this bitch.

What the fuck happened to men and women these days? Why have relationships, dating, flirting, fucking and the like gone to complete fucking shit?

Some men have lost respect for women and some women have lost respect for men. Together, y'all motherfuckers have lost respect for yourselves.

Whatever happened to a guy opening a door for a broad? Or a broad liking a dude for who the fuck he is and not what kind of car he drives or how fat his wallet is? Why is it that nowadays, motherfuckers don't talk? Rather, they text or Facebook the fuck out of each other? Did people go silent on the other end because "that's how it's done"? Says who?

Why do people want to be in relationships but have trust issues? Why has "friends with benefits" or "fuck buddies" become so goddamn complicated?

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?

People, this shit ain't rocket science.

We live in a world that assumes shit and lives by what the "norm" is. But what the fuck is the "norm" exactly? I have no fucking clue. But here's what I do know...

1) We need to go back to the days where men were more chivalrous to women. Open a door for a broad. Compliment the fuck out of her. Appreciate her like you would your own fucking mom. If you think you are making the panties drop now, wait til you actually act like a goddamn gentleman.

2) Women need to chill the fuck out. You realize it's not all about you, right? Conversations are a two-way street and if we wanted shit to be one-sided, we'd stay single. FOREVER.

3) Y'all motherfuckers need to talk. As in "real conversation" with your mouths. I get that text is easy and fast. But when motherfuckers are getting asked out on dates, breaking up, and having hour long conversations via a goddamn keyboard, you need to realize that all that genuine shit you've been looking for has been thrown out the fucking window and is lost. You ain't deaf, so dial some goddamn numbers, put your phone to your ear and speak words. Do that, and you might not get so caught up on "what does this text mean"?

4) Facebook ain't that important. Who gives a shit what other people are doing? If you ain't with your friends who are posting every 5 minutes, what does that tell you? Probably tells you that you need to do something more than just troll their page and pay attention to the person who you are actually with. You know why there is so much drama amongst people these days? That's right...motherfucking FACEBOOK. Who would have thought the #1 Social Networking site causes drama amongst friends, family and acquaintances. RELATIONSHIP, FRIENDSHIP, FUCK BUDDY KILLER. Real talk.

5) Stop being in such a hurry. The older you get the faster it goes. And then, it's gone. Appreciate what you have instead of always looking for the "Bigger Better Deal." AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

6) Get the fuck over yourself. Seriously. It's one thing to have self-confidence, it is another thing to be an arrogant asshole or Cuntface McGee. Maybe your mommy and daddy told you that you are the brightest, smartest, most fan-fuckingtastical, magical unicorn on the planet, but guess what? YOU ARE NOT. Live your life and be proud of who you are, but don't be so caught up in trying to be this self-inflated, egotistical douche-bag that you forget how to be a human. Treat people the way you want to be treated and not like they are disposable. If you keep throwing people away because you think you are such hot shit and can do better you are going to end up alone and lonely. No one will feel sorry for your ass.

7) Stop looking so deep into things. Wanna know how to ruin a good thing? Assume shit. Make shit up. Convince yourself that you're being played for a fool. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT. The past is the past and we ALL have them. Good or bad. People fuck up. People make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. If you want to live in a time that you can never get back, good fucking luck. Folks who live in this world to make others lives miserable are one thing - ASSHOLES. If you're being put on a pedestal it's not because someone is up to something, it's probably because you fucking deserve it. If you finally found someone good, then treat them like they are the motherfucking world. Don't get all suspicious because you're insecure. Fuck you and your insecurities, greedy fuck. Keep that stupid shit up and you'll be back to where you started. Angry, alone, and wondering why you can't hold a relationship together.

8) Stop making excuses. We all make them. From relationships to dating to just banging a guy or gal, we all try to justify why the fuck we do what we do and why we choose to be involved in them. If you're miserable and aren't happy but try to use every excuse why you should stick around then what you need to do is go find a bridge and jump off that motherfucker right now. Think like a person who deserves the good in life. You think people want to hear why you're so fucking miserable? Fuck no and fuck that. Don't know why all your dates go bad or trying to figure out what "such and such" means? How bout you go to the source and ask a motherfucker so you don't sit there and drive yourself crazy while losing sleep, drinking yourself to death and watching re-runs of Ricki fucking Lake. Banging someone but need help on the situation because you don't know what to do? Don't even get me fucking started.

9) And when you are done making excuses, get some accountability. This world owes you nothing and you get back what you put in. Not everything is everyone elses fault, so stop blaming everyone and everything for what is bothering you. Suck it up buttercup and get it fucking done. And if you fuck up, which we all do because we are human, say you are sorry and try to fix it. Don't just walk away from it or ignore it because you think it will go away. It will only get worse and when it blows up in your face it won't be like fucking sparklers on the 4th of July. That shit will be like Hiroshima, bitch. BOOM!

10) Just go with it. When you learn to let go of all that bullshit, the stuff above will start making sense. Stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And no, you sick fucks, that is not a sex euphemism. You know the saying, "Good things happen to those who wait?" The reason is not because they are better than you, or smarter than you, or better looking than you. The reason is because they used patience and finesse and instead of trying to force fuck the situation, they waited for the situation to hop on them and go reverse cowgirl. THAT was a sex euphemism.

11) Earn your keep. We all envision wanting to be with someone who has or is "X" and "Y". Whether it be success or money or education, we all have high standards...in our minds. Well do society a fucking favor and instead of wishing what the fuck you want in a person, how bout you go out and do that shit yourself first. You want a man/woman who is educated and well-spoken? Before you jump on that train, make sure you know how to speak yourself and don't sound like a complete dumb shit. Sure you may want the eloquent and intellectual type but if you can't figure out the difference between "there" and "their," consider yourself fucked. If it's money you want as well, I suggest instead of being a fucking gold digger, go find a job and earn some cash. Ain't no one trying to spoil you. This is the 21st Century...motherfuckers are broke these days. Stay at home moms earn their keep by providing a home for their families unlike people who sit on welfare like it's a job and think they're all "bout it, bout it" because they have the newest Chanel purse or them fresh ass Jordan's. You know what? Go fuck yourself check collectors. Ain't no one trying to hear that let alone drink that Kool-Aid you're serving. The bottom line: No one can take you where you want to be, only YOU can do that.


11 simple things that make more of a difference than one would think. Now imagine if the people with these problems actually acted on them? Wouldn't that be a sight to fucking see.

Until next time America...

Imagine A World Where...

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

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