Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Facebook - The Never Ending Cluster Fuck Of Goodness

Facebook, Facebook, mother fucking Facebook. I don't know how many columns I've written about this Social Networking giant, to be honest. What I do know is that I could seriously write about something Facebook related every goddamn day for a whole fucking year if I wanted too (don't get any ideas, people). That's how much shit we can talk about, when it comes to Mark Zuckerfuck and his billion dollar Harvard project.

As a society, we all get annoyed by a plethora of things Facebook related. So today, I'm going to shed a little light on FIVE...yes, FIVE, mother fucking things that a majority of us find frustrating, annoying and down right fucking stupid. Now, before any of you spout off some stupid shit like, "Well, if you don't like it, delete them...hide your news feed...blah, blah, blah." Do me a huge favor...SHUT THE FUCK UP and EAT A BAG OF DICKS. We know what to do. We just like to bitch about it, ok. That's why society is all fucked up. We know how to deal with situations, we just like getting all hyped up over dumb shit. That's life. Ok, I'm done. That said, check out these five things that make the Facebook world go round!!!!

5. If I don't personally know you or haven't met you - don't add me as a friend. I may know your brother or your third cousin, but I don't know YOU. Plain and simple, dickhead.

This shit is called stalking. Basically. And you know what stalkers like to do? Friend every single goddamn person that has crossed their path in life. It's all fun and games until you find a dead rabbit on your doorstep because you decided to hit "Accept". Shame on you. The FB friend requests that is, and not the flowers he sent to your work once a week.

And quite frankly, if I don't KNOW YOU know you, I don't give a fuck about your dinner that you are posting photos of on FB and Instragram (see below for more on this, attention whore), how many times you go to the same lame ass places with the same lame ass people and do the same goddamn boring ass shit. If I have any fucks to give about your stranger-ass, I would call and ask to go to the lame ass places where you go and to hangout with the lame ass people you hangout with. WORD. That shit got intense, huh?

4. Your judgmental rants are not poetic - just annoying and well...fucking judgmental.

Judgmental rants call for one thing - ATTENTION. There's really no easier way to say it. Congrats, asshole. Now go play Farmville and blow a donkey. Eeee aaaah, mother fucker.  Then, when some 9 year old kicks your middle aged ass at Farmville, burns your farm to the ground and then pisses on the ashes, you will have small fucking reason to rant. And guess what? No one will still give a fuck.

3. I'm sorry but I may love you, but you bringing down my day with your pessimism, drama with your friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, alpaca (I got some sick fuck friends out there) is not my business - don't air your dirty laundry on Facebook. It's just weird. And see above, about no one still giving a fuck.

The best part of this fun-filled drama are the underlying messages no one understands. This goes on for hours on end. With no fucking response from anyone except those friends that share that same drama on their own fucking page. You would be surprised how bad these people want the attention. It starts off with airing dirty laundry and ends up in some famous fucking quote by Socrates that is some type of "ABC After School Special" life lesson. Then it gets summarized by a fucking video post from YouTube on the "tough times" they've been through. Where I'm from, your ass gets slapped for doing some stupid shit like that. Grow up, fuckers.

2. Food pictures - unless you are a professional food photographer - please don't bother, as no picture you ever post will make me want to eat the entree you just took a picture of. Seriously, even if you have a very nice camera.

I'm on the fence with this pet peeve to be quite honest. I don't mind it, but if you take a picture of what you're eating and the shit don't look good, your ass should get body slammed onto a table...then peed on. Right there at the restaurant. By a big mother fucking Sumo Wrestler. We get that you are having a lovely meal since you always enjoy Four Squaring us every location you set foot in. By the way, that's fucking annoying sometimes. Do I really care that you checked into your fucking apartment? I don't even know where you live so why do I care that you're finally fucking home? But I digress...bottom line, don't take pics of shit you wouldn't even feed to your dog.

1. If you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) go ahead text each other, call each other, hangout with each other. In no way do I need to view your personal messages, lovey doveyness and conversations to each other in a public forum. Attention seeking much? I don't care if you have a great relationship. Did Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey teach you anything - keep it to yourself and you might end up staying together!

Aren't those cute little foofy-foofy messages so awesome to read in your news feed? About how your friend loves her boyfriend (vice-versa) so much and he is better than any boyfriend in the world. And if he were to ever leave, she would jump off a fucking bridge onto oncoming traffic because the bond they share is so strong. Yeah, that shit right there, probably makes 90% of your friends gag. I get that you love each other. But when you post shit like that every fucking day, it makes myself along with others want to run your ass over and dump your ass in the river. You want to show each other that you really love and appreciate one another? When you get home, fuck each others brains out. Go down on him, go down on her. Choke her with a gag, slap his ass with a paddle. Talk is cheap, but when you can fuck like gorillas...that's the true meaning of love.

The bottom line of all this is pretty simple - In this day and age when there is so much social networking media out there, sometimes you NEED to censor yourself. Fuck your right to free speech. I have a right to a newsfeed that is not full of your fucking lame ass, tired ass, bullshit. I have some friends who are some funny fuckers and don't abuse facebook like Michael Vick in a dog fight. If you are reading this and nodding your head like you know 20 motherfuckers that this applies to, chances are you are one of the 20.

The next time you think you're about to post some goddamn pearls of wisdom in the form of a motivational poster, or the most awesome burger you have ever had from In-N-Out, check-in at the free clinic or go get your pussy/crack and sack waxed, ask yourself, "Does anyone really give a fuck about what I am about to do or say?"

Chances are, probably not. But I know your ass is still going to post that fucking shit anyway. You are not welcome. Thanks for reading...and possibly laughing a bit too.


Anonymous said...

It's columns like this that make me excited for your book to come out!!!! Fuck yeah, J!

Anonymous said...

Just fell in love with you all over again ;)

Anonymous said...


Katy-Kat said...

"You are not welcome" hahahaha!