Thursday, December 5, 2013

Advice Column: How To Go Jobless & Not Blow Jobless

Dear J-Wunder,

I need a little bit of advice on what to get my boyfriend for our anniversary (1 year, next week - so excited!). I've been asking my friends and family what they think, but the problem is that they don't approve of our relationship.  My mom suggested that I just give him cash because that's what I've been doing since I had my unemployed boyfriend move into my condo that I pay the mortgage for. OUCH, right?!  He has been complaining about how he has gained weight since we moved in together, but getting him a gym membership makes it sound like I have a problem with him putting on a few extra pounds, in reality I like it.  I was then thinking since he also complains about his clothes not fitting, maybe I'd get him a gift card to The Gap or something, but that feels impersonal.  Last problem is that we don't have that much in common and he is 8 years younger than me (I'm 30, he is 22) so I'm hoping that you can help me out with something all guys would like. He is really great, I promise!

Cougar in Seattle

Dear Cougar in Seattle,

My oh my, little lady.  Grrrr...

You know what your little boy toy needs for your one year anniversary? A motherfucking JOB sweet thang.  J-O-B. Fuck giving him clothes, money and all that other bullshit. Tell that lazy sack of shit to take a shower, get a haircut, shave, put on some pants that are the closest thing to slacks (because we all know recent college grads don't own "grown-up" clothes), a tie and go find his ass a goddamn job.  What you can do on your part, is help him use the internet to find those jobs.

You're 30 fucking years old. Got a good ass job. Own a condo. Probably fine as hell too. Life is good right? Fuck no it ain't. You wanna know why? It's pretty simple...

You're dating a guy who thinks a degree is just graduating high school. Motherfucker has no motivation. He's bumming off of you. Eats for free. Lives for free. Has no inclination what a fucking utility bill is. Watches all the pay-per-view a 22 year old could ever dream of (this includes every porn channel). Doesn't clean. Doesn't cook. Jacks off on all your socks and hand towels. Gets awesome blow jobs on your couch while holding a Bud Light, watching SportsCenter and stroking your hair three times a week. Has sex with you on your bed, in your kitchen...even in the laundry room. He eats.  He sleeps. He shits. He has sex. He's living the fucking dream. All on your goddamn dime.


Congrats that you've been dating a free loading soon-to-be-fat guy for almost a year. Seriously.  Congrats on finding a man that has a girlfriend for a mom. But is hotter. With bigger and nicer tits.  And gives great blow jobs. This is a match made in heaven. Just June when you are almost broke and you guys go on that glamorous Hawaiian vacation you refinanced your condo for, he will be 300 pounds, still jobless and asking you for $20 so he can go play at the fucking arcade. Awesome.

C'mon you hot piece of ass...snap the fuck out of it! You know if you stay with this guy any longer what could happen?

1) He'll keep living off you for free.
2) He'll get fatter. He's obviously on his way.
3) He'll start demanding more shit which means more work for you, less work for him.
4) You'll start fucking less, sucking dick more.
5) You'll be broke.

22 years old and is living the dream. Think about that. When you were 22, what were you doing?  That's right, working motherfucker. Trying to make it to the top so you didn't have to worry about someone else supporting you. Why you're with him, I have no clue. But if I were to guess, a 30 year old like yourself dating a man 8 years younger only means one thing. This dude has a cock the size of a goddamn bull. I'm talking Seabiscuit status, right? He must lay his pipe down on you in ways that make you speak Chinese Ebonics. I'm a guy and I know when chicks date dudes for their big ass dong and nothing else.

So if that's the case, remember this. His cock is good for a limited time only. And while you do your thing and he gets fatter, the farther his stomach expands, the less cock you get to experience. Let me ask you a question:

You ever give a fat dude a blow job? Have you ever fucked a fat fucker? You are messing with a man who is about to get some Dicdu. It's a term you should never want your man to have and he's on his way.

So what should you get him for your anniversary? Fuck him til his face turns blue then tell him to take a hike.  

You're Welcome,


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