Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Advice Column: The Foreplay Highway

Dear GG,

I have a 'friend with benefits' that I would hate to lose. Best sex ever, convenient for both of us, but that's it. Just sex. No oral, foreplay or any kind of tom fuckery. Hit it and split it. How do I go about introducing any kind foreplay into the mix? I love that shit and I'm more than willing to give it and don't expect much in return. I'm coming out of a 2 year slum, so I need to know, what can I do to keep the mojo going so he doesn't lose interest?

Thanks GG!!

Not trying to fuck him and leave him...Yet.

Dear Girl Who Basically Wants To Suck Dick,

Friends with benefits...it's a beautiful fucking thing, ain't it? It's the celebration of two people who don't give a fuck about feelings or a relationship and just want to bone because well...they can. These types of relationships are typically awesome until some bastard gets feelings then shit goes downhill. For those who have had a "friends with benefits" relationship, y'all know what I'm talking about and might have experienced being the victim of such horse shit. Everyone is always down to ride the Pound Town Express with "no attachments" until one day, they decide to talk about feelings.


And just so YOU know, just because you got out of a 2 year slump, doesn't mean you or the guy you're fucking won't fall for each other. Say whatever the fuck you want...it happens. But I digress...

In all my years of boning, playing with titties, tickling assholes, finger banging like a wreckless teenager and munching box like a homeless man going to town on all 31 flavors at Baskin Robbins, I know for a goddamn fact that when you initiate foreplay, sexual pleasure will increase by an astounding 95.9382%! That my friends is fucking high and also a J-Wunder fictional stat of the day...WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN, PEOPLES!

You can never be too timid when it comes to initiating foreplay. I mean, if you are fucking this dude, how hard is it to kiss the guy for a few minutes, then look at him and say, "I really want to suck your dick, mang. Pull that shit out so you can fuck my face. Mommy want to sucky-sucky, bitch." I promise you, no dude would say no. EVER. And if they did, leave that motherfucker. Real talk.

How-the-fuck-ever, if you suck dick like you are eating corn on the cobb, I guarantee and put money on Mary Magdalene of Compton, that your man will make every excuse in the book for you not to put your mouth down there. Even if it means him sacking the fuck up and eating your putang while on your period. Ok, that was fucked up and disgusting, but you get my point.

The great thing about being a chick is that if the sex is good, you hold the cards. What I mean by that is if this dude wants to fuck you, make him do things, or let him let you do things prior to boning. This includes but is not limited to:

1) Sucking cock
2) Munching box
3) Playing a friendly game of Chutes and Ladders with each other buttholes
4) 69'ing
5) Sucking on each others tits
6) Shiatsu massage perhaps?
7) Giving one another hickeys
8) Hand jobs
9) Reach arounds
10) Kissing for hours like a couple of virgins (this is worst than getting blue balls from a stripper)

Pussy is power. I'm a true believer in that. So why would you, let alone any woman, find it hard to ask or want to do something like foreplay with a dude who they're fucking? Men are simple creatures. If you aren't making the dudes dick look like fresh roadkill, then tell him you are gonna suck his dong like you own that shit. Sure he might not like to eat pussy, and it's ok with you, BUT you do him right, he'll do YOU right. Trust me. No woman who has given me an amazing bj has ever walked away without me eating her box like I was at Hometown Buffet. Straight up.

Now, if you initiated some sweet dick-slurping and this guy pulls your head away, slams a decent fuck into you, and then moon-walks the fuck out of the room, you are not FWB. You are a flesh-light, with a pulse. If that is all he wants, then buy him a flesh-light and be on your way to greener pastures of foreplay and fucking. Sex is supposed to be fun for BOTH partners, and if you are not getting filled out like an application, then you best start applying elsewhere. CHUCH.

Today's advice is free,


1 comment:

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