Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Advice Column: Mama's Bitch

This is a long one. And I don't know where to start. It's gonna be all over the place.

Let's start from the good. I admire the living shit out of my mom. She's super selfless, of a brilliant business mind, a super human capable of shouldering a lot of responsibilities. And I was super close to her. There are three kids and I'm in the middle and I feel because of that I am often neglected being my brother is 9 years older than me so he is perceived as the mature and knowledgable one. My younger sister is beloved and well taken care of. This isn't specifically from my mom. But my family and family friends in general.

For about 8 years I've lived with my brother here and he's been a piece of shit to me for as long as we have been living together. I often called my mom and asked for help, asked her to talk to him. She was always sympathetic but told me that I ought to be more understanding and accepting. And make sure that we got along. So I endured that bullshit for almost a decade. Until last year when she was visiting. I blew up. I shouted at everyone. At the end my mom apologized for neglecting my cry for help over the years. And my brother apologized for the way he treated me over the years. My brother and I have made up since and are getting along great.

My mom is currently visiting again. And what annoyed me a lot was she often asked me to do a lot of things. Like dishes, laundry, etc. Which is fine. She shouldn't have to do those things. And there are two sons here, so we should do all of the housework. But she ONLY asked me. Even when my brother was around. She would ask me to take care of the hang the clothes AS I was already doing the dishes. So I pointed out why she only got me to do shit when she had a perfectly able son watching YouTube in his room. Then she would not answer. Two days later, I had just stayed up for over 48 hours because of paper and mid terms. I came home and she said okay you do the dishes in the sink. I said I'm really tired from school... Then she said ok then go sleep (sympathetically). So I said make sure you don't do them and ask my brother to do them instead. Then she said I cared too much about keep scores. And then I blew up. We both shouted at each other. I was basically shouting how she's always treated my brother and sister with more care while leaving me with whatever is left. And she said she also cares about me. I completely agree. She does love and care about me. But when it's relational to the other kids I always come last. She can love me individually. But when my brother and/or sister are in the picture they'd be cared for first and I get the leftovers.

We haven't spoken for 5 days. I'm going to stay with my girlfriend indefinitely soon. Her visit is only temporary. I am planning on continuing this Cold War forever. Because I'm pissed and disappointed. When they voice their problems and displeasures they get heard and taken seriously. But when I voice mine I get anger and hostility in return. Interestingly I am the closest of all 3 to her. We talk about everything. But she still cares about them more than me relatively.

What do you think I should do? What is your overall opinion on this thing?

Mamas bitch

Dear Mama's Bitch,

I read your email and you know what I heard through the whole fucking thing?


Brother man, you sound like a whiney fucking bitch. Get mad all you fucking want, that's the reality.

Have a seat, take some notes because I'm gonna bust some knowledge for that ass. Get ready motherfucker, because the Hate Train is coming through...

There are five kids in my family. I have three older brothers and a younger sister. I'm the youngest of four boys. The oldest one is about 7-8 years older than me. Like you, my older brother and I never got along growing up. That motherfucker would torment the fuck out of me. Thank God for therapy that I didn't choose to kill the bastard…love you, bro!

Everything from atomic wedges to putting my face in the toilet because he thought it was funny, I was bullied not only by him, but by my other two brothers as well. With all these boys in the family, ain't no time to be a fucking pussy. But as much as I say that, I was a huge fucking pussy. I don't think I knew I had a penis til I was about 12. Yeah, it was that fucking bad.

I'm a mama's boy. Anytime I'd get fucked with, I'd run to her and she'd come to the rescue…sometimes. Whenever that happened though, you bet your sweet ass I got my ass kicked for ratting out my bros because that shit was not cool. Lesson learned because them getting a broom to the face was not as bad as me getting hog tied, mouth taped and thrown in a dark ass closet while The Exorcist was being played in the background.

That's the Cliff's Notes version of how it was growing up. Basically, I was the black sheep of the family. The cute kid who never shut the fuck up, always got beat up by his older brothers, whose middle name was basically "vagina boy", who nobody cared to listen to, EVER, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

As I got older, I became resentful. Resentful because of the shit I went through…kinda like your situation. Then one day, I woke up, realized I was being a big fucking pussy about all of this and decided to speak the fuck up. After my pops died in 2008, I told my whole family what was up and from that moment on, shit was all good. Me and my older brothers are closer than ever, my sis is still my sidekick and my mom's is dope as fuck. She always has been.

Now, you're probably asking yourself why the fuck did I just write something that pretty much summed up your situation and how does that answer your question. It doesn't. I just wanted to state the fact that if you speak up and say what's on your mind to the people who matter most, then there's a good chance that you will not only get the respect you deserve, but will be looked at as a better person because of it. Good job on your part for not keeping that shit in before it's too late. How-the-fuck-ever, you still are having issues with how you're still treated like the youngest kid that gets no respect…to a point. So here's what you do:

Take the gift card I'm mailing you from Home Depot, and buy some wood. Then, build a bridge and get the fuck over yourself.

I don't know if you've noticed motherfucker, but you're the blacksheep. You always will be. I was and still am. And you know what? I got the fuck over it. I have done some pretty amazing shit in my life that I can say I'm proud of. And as shitty as I can be treated, at times, whether it be from my siblings or my mom, I'm always gonna know that's fucking life. You're not the only one who has experienced this. Ask any family with a bunch of siblings and they'll tell you. Get the fuck over it because that's just how it is.

It's not like your goddamn mom is gonna disown you. She knows you're a softy and a little bitch at times, that's why she is the way she is with you. As much as parents say they treat their kids equally, let's be real…they fucking don't. And you know what? That's A-O-fucking-K with me. If we are all treated equally, life would be fucking boring. No one would have their own personality and y'all motherfuckers would be robots with nothing to offer life except acting like one another.

Your mom is your mom and she ain't gonna change for shit. That's who she is. The bitch birthed your ass, put a roof over your head, put her titties in your mouth and took care of you. Moms, except for the real shitty ones, get a free pass in life because sometimes they need one. It's just those motherfuckers like you who get all butt hurt because you get treated differently. Big fucking deal. So what if you get anger and hostility when you voice your opinion. Think of a more tactful way to approach these situations, player. If you're that close to your mom, sit her ass down and let her know what's up without you trying to get all 50 Shades of UFC on her ass.

My mom gets intense for time to time and like you, I used to get shit for saying what was on my mind. I always felt like the fucking bad guy who could never win when it came to talking about certain things or how I was treated. Then I realized I need to approach situations differently so they feel like they aren't being attacked, even though that is never my intention. Stop being a little bitch and talk that shit out and be a bigger person with how you put shit on the table. If you fight fire with fire, especially with your mom, you're gonna get owned. Moms don't give a fuck. Even more so when you try to come at them like they just did some home invasion type shit to you.

Get used to being told what to do. That's fucking life man. You make it look like she's asking you to wipes everyones ass then give them a reach around. When you grow up with siblings, there always has to be that one motherfucker that gets the grunt of shit. I'm almost 36 fucking years old and I still get told to do some shit. Do I do it? Fuck yeah I do because I've just learned to deal with it. Now, if I don't do it, I just say, "Tell that motherfucker to do it, ma. I'm busy." The worst thing your mom can do if you say NO, is probably beat your ass in front of your girl and siblings with her slipper.

Get the fuck over yourself, get the sand out of your vagina and do what's being asked. And if you don't want to do it, don't fucking do it. You're a grown ass man and should know fucking better. Oh, and just because your mom treats you differently than your other siblings, doesn't mean she doesn't love you any less. You're just the chosen bitch that she's gonna love for days on end. So quit with the cry-baby bullshit.

Now stop being a little trick, call your mom, tell her you love her and sorry for being a little bitch.



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