Friday, March 6, 2015

Giving Head Does A Body Good

It's the sexual act that has been with us since the dinosaurs. Genghis Kahn got some. Cesar definitely got some. And the homie who died for our sins, Jesus, without question, got some...his ass may not say he did, but come on, dude had beautiful ass hair, a beard and mad savior game.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're probably stupid. Folks, I'm talking about blowjobs.


Sucking dick.

Smoking pole.

The mouth javelin.

Any and almost every man is a fan of this sexual act and let's not forget the women who perform these amazing acts...well, except you chicks who use your teeth...STOP THAT SHIT. Y'all act like a dick is a mountain of chocolate truffles sometimes. That shit hurts. Dicks have feelings too. But I digress…

Back to sucking dick and why I'm writing about it.

I came across a column yesterday that not only raised both my bushy ass eyebrows BUT gives more hope to all men, men who have never experienced such a thing and women who feel that giving blow jobs just isn't the business.

In an article from Btnomb, research shows that giving head is actually good for your health…I'M TALKING TO YOU LADIES.

"...thanks to research at the State University of New York – is that that male semen contains a variety of chemicals that make you feel contented, younger and more affectionate."

Could it be? A dudes wad helps women achieve such amazing things? Content? Youth? More affectionate? You bet your sweet fucking ass, people. This is no joke. It's motherfucking science up in this bitch.

For those who only thought baby gravy could only get a broad pregnant, back the fuck up because according to this study, research showed:

"If you’re depressed, listless, can’t sleep, bored, fat or feeling suicidal, just go for your boyfriend’s zipper and give him a blow job." 

This is no bullshit and I'm not coming in dry, folks. Ladies, if you're having an awful fucking day and are thinking about jumping off the top of a goddamn building, there's a cure to turn that frown upside down. No, it's not taking a bunch of prescription drugs. It's sucking dick. The best part? It doesn't even matter whose dick it is. As long as it can produce sperm…and probably a lot of it, go find that dick and suck the living fuck out of it. Watch that depression go away!!!

Oh, you can't sleep? If no man is next to you in the sack, better make a call to your favorite cock from the past. It's like drinking warm milk at night…but instead of drinking milk from a carton or jug, you're drinking that shit straight from the source, yo! Super Dick to the rescue! BOOM!

Ate too much goddamn ice cream and pizza and feel like you're a big ass heifer? Don't even sweat it baby girl…find some cock and a good mix tape to smoke that pole to and within 5-10 minutes, you're gonna feel like a fucking super model. Shiiiiiiit…Gisele who??? Real talk!!!

Bored on a Friday night but don't want to go out with your girlfriends but don't want to stay home? Hit up Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, Craigslist, hell…hit up the motherfucking Yellow Pages and find some cock that you can put in your mouth. By the time you're done sucking the guy's soul from his body, bored will be so 1999.

With these studies (from probably sluts who love sucking dick and chicks who don't like big objects in their mouths and wear granny panties), research also showed:

"The sticky stuff is as good as any sleeping pill and, when you open your eyes on a new day, there’s nothing better for body and soul than to nudge the one beside you awake and pump out another warm milky draught with its zingy flavour of lemon and vanilla. If you don’t have a boyfriend, or swing the other way, suggest it to the next guy who looks up for it (they usually are) and, while he thinks head is GOOD for him, in fact it is even BETTER for you."

And y'all thought men were selfish when it came to us wanting you broads to blow us and not returning the favor by eating you out, huh? By you sucking cock, not only are you making your man happy, but you are benefiting from that shit 50% more! AND let's not forget to mention, your crazy bitch meter will be neutralized, your tendencies on wanting to kill a motherfucker will drop significantly, you won't want to kill yourself, you'll actually say, "Fuck the gym…I'm gonna just suck dick 7 days a week and feel fabulous," you're gonna feel pretty as fuck, you're probably gonna eat whatever the fuck you want, when you want (as long as there's dick nearby) and you will sleep like a baby because fuck insomnia, bitches.

I'm a fan of science. And I'm even a bigger fan now because not only are they looking out for women AND men, but this is a no lose situation for all parties involved. Sure dudes eating pussy might go down 30-40% but that's ok. As long as there's benefit to both parties by doing one thing, why even argue.

So don't sit there and hate on sucking dick. Not only will you live a longer and healthier life, but your man is gonna love you even more. Hell, he might start making YOU the sandwich.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Commas are super important, yo...

Jesus did not have beautiful "ass hair".
Instead try one of the following:

"Jesus had a beautiful ass, hair, etc."
"Jesus had some beautiful-ass hair"

But please don't talk about the son of God's ass-hair.