Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Regretful One Night Stand

After I read this story I decided to give up on sex for good.. Okay not really but this really does show the dangers of sex, one night stands, and hot girls that still live with their parents! Here is this guys story which starts with him and all his brothers friends piss drunk at a bar for his birthday:
Around 2 AM my brother rounds up the group and says that a cab is waiting outside for us. I quickly order another vodka tonic and guzzle it down because I somehow feel I’m not drunk enough.
We get in the cab and that’s when it finally hits me how drunk we all are. Everyone in the cab is slumped over nodding in and out of consciousness except for the beautiful woman (my brother’s friend) sitting next to me in the back. I strategically analyze the situation and conclude that this is an opportune time to strike up a conversation.  As we’re chatting I’m making her laugh and all seems to be going well as I hear Tove Lo- Body playing ever so faintly from the radio. In my drunken state this is a sign from god, I quickly demand that the cab driver turn it up and begin a falsetto that no one should ever have to hear again. Fortunately, she seems to think my drunken debauchery is cute and we end up at my brothers apartment.

As were sitting on the couch I actually think my chances are pretty good until my brother’s demon of a dog comes running out demanding (in the form of biting and crying) that I take him out. Unable to resist my charm (more like taking pity on me), she agrees to walk to the apartment dog park with me. After 10 minutes at the park, my brother’s dog finally takes a shit and we start to walk back. At this moment we lock eyes and both realize the terrible mistake we have just made. My brother’s apartment has a key scanner and in our drunken state we both forgot to grab the key or in other words we were locked out. At this point, we came to the conclusion that under no circumstances barring an F-5 tornado was my brother going to wake up to let us back in and neither of us had brought our phones. We decided that our only option was to take the 2 mile trek to her parent’s house.
Later that night, we stumble into her parent’s home and she has made up her mind that she wants to have drunken sex on the couch at 3:30am.

Being the weak man that I am (sorry parents upstairs), I give in to the temptation and we start fucking. I’ve slept with a decent amount of woman but this girl was truly a freak. She kept telling me she wanted it harder and harder and rougher and rougher and I wasn’t going to deny her sexual desires. This is when I fucked up, literally, I am so drunk that I miss thrust and somehow rip her p*ssy. Blood begins to flow on the white linen couch, she screams and I feel like I’m at the red wedding in Game of Thrones. Flustered, I try to calm her down and run to the kitchen to get paper towels. Like a field medic on the front lines, I have her open her legs and inform her I need to apply pressure to stop the bleeding but as I do it she screams again.
At this point, her 57 year old father comes running out in his underwear with a golf club in hand. When he finally realizes what’s going on, he charges me swinging and screaming that “he’s lived his life and is willing to go to jail”. As the muscular, hairy old man tries to take my head off I somehow manage to weave around the furniture and escape through the front door.
Amazingly, I managed to make it out unscathed (I did trip on the curb running ) but had to leave behind my clothes. I walked to my brothers in my boxers and threw rocks at his apartment window until 5:00am when he finally woke up to let me in. Needless to say, I’ll never live this one down and I sure as hell hope I never see her father again.
If you are worried about the dog don’t worry his brother went and got the dog from her house in the morning.
via - Dude Comedy

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