Tiger King Ep 6: Joe Behind The Throne

Episode 6 tried to fucking trick us...HARD. But you know what? Those motherfuckers weren't tricking me. Nope. Fuck that. No way, no how.

This episode gets straight to the good shit bc at this point, who the fuck needs blue balls or hard nips for shits and giggles, right? Back in Vegas, Jeff Lowe gets busted for having two tigers, (58) 9mm's, (5) buckshot's, (1) fucking flashlight (but is it the kind of flashlight on a goddamn gun? Who the fuck would confiscate that?! Well, unless it was one of those bad ass mag lights. Those sonsofbitches are expensive) and (1) receipt with an envelope.

And if that wasn't odd as fuck, this fool straight up had a goddamn Zoom court hearing on the day of his sentencing. This broke-ass Fred Durst looking motherfucker was gonna get sentenced to 179 days in the joint if he violated probation. That said, Joe caught wind of all this and knew Jeff was coming for him since he knew Joe was pulling some shady shit by basically laundering money through GW Zoo.

Our boy, Mr. Exotic, was probably like, "Fuck this straight, non-meth using, tiger having, Affliction wearing, nowhere near as gay as me, little bitch. He ain't seeing any financial shit NO.MATTER.WHAT."  So this fool Jeff decides to go to the bank to check out the last year of financials...as any person who just bailed out someone who lost their sorry ass to Carole fucking Baskin would do. Sure enough, shit was all kinds of fucked up and lo and behold, Jeff finds out that the goddamn FEDS were watching this motherfucker Joe. Worst part, Joe gave no fucks and got so desperate with money, tigers and meth that this dude was straight forging Jeff's name on checks his ass was writing to every Tom, Dick and Harry out there.

Jeff got HEATED and wasn't fucking around any mo'. He tells Joe's bitch ass to leave the fucking property bc he can't have another felony per his Zoom trial sentencing. So Joe was like, "Fuck all this gay shit. I'm gonna burn any sort of shit that shows I was laundering money." His hit records.? Flame on, bitch. Laptops? Can't say I've ever seen one of them bitches before. Pretty much, any goddamn clue that will tie him to a crime, BYE FUCKING BYE...just like them lyrics from N'Sync. Oh, and fuck Carole Baskin.

At this point, Joe started to act like a true meth head. The man we all needed since the beginning of this whole fucking shit show,  ended up stealing some animals from the goddamn zoo and sold those fuckers just to stay afloat.

Then, in a blink of a stripper's butthole, Joe went AWOL to never be seen again.

*cue Joe Exotic heartfelt music video*

Joe and his gay-gay husband, Dillion, move to some undisclosed location in bum fuck Oklahoma. They raise two tiger pups and from what we can tell, it seems as if Joe is a changed man. Not only that, it's looking like we are actually getting the most raw version of Joe that we've seen through this entire fucking show. It was like Joe released the Exotic and was reborn as Joe Maldonado Passage.

One thing was certain though...he still hates that bitch, Carole Baskin. Shit, my mom hates Carole Baskin. Jesus himself probably hates her ass too. But I digress...

Even though the man who is gayer than a 3 dollar bill had good intentions and cared for the animals, there is no fucking doubt that his ass was overtaken by ego, fame, sex, meth, turning straight men into gay men, then having those men put it in his raisin loaf...oh, and money. The devil now turned angel, took a turn real quick. It's like, "Why, bruh? Why you trying to play us? You the devil. Always have been. Always will be." Now, that's not to say that the devil is bad...just this version is really fucked up and he needs to remove whatever dick is in his mouth and take a deep breath and realize what the fuck is really going on. Which brings us to what happens next...

Soon after he vanished, rumor has it that Joe was trying to put a hit on that bitch...you guessed it...Carole fucking Baskin.

Into the picture now comes James Garretson. He gets asked if the rumors were true. Sure enough, this dude had no shame and served up a rat fucking sandwich. For you slow motherfuckers out there, that means he said, "Hell yeah he put a hit out on that bitch, Carole Baskin. I'm telling the whole fucking world so they know what the fuck is up." Not word for word, but you get what I'm saying. He's a fucking snitch.

Now, shit is starting to unravel at the speed of fucking light. Allen Glover gets caught up in the mix and was asked try Joe to kill Carole fucking Baskin with a goddamn crossbow. If there's anywhere you can get by walking around in some goddamn camo with a motherfucking crossbow and have no one say shit to you...it's fucking Florida, people.

So at this point, James Garretson, the man who got in trouble with the FEDS over owning a fucking lemur (btw, I know lemurs got soft ass hands...what the fuck did you buy one for, fool?) agrees to be a confidential informant...side note: why the fuck when they do slow-mo's of this fat fuck that he always tries to look like an outlaw?! It's some sort of meth western if you ask me. Anyway...

This shit is turning into some fucked up, white trash version of We Bought A Zoo.

Joe wants in his heart of gay hearts to have that bitch Carole dead. As soon as humanly possible too. So of course, he picks the craziest, drugged out with a side of no fucks given person who happens to be Allen fucking Glover to end that broad's life. Garretson picks up on that shit and tells the feds, that Glover is gonna kill Thundercunt Carole. Y'all need to hurry the fuck up before she asks for a manager. You know how that woman rolls.

Things are getting pretty goddamn real so Allen Glover decides to prep like a true white trash assassin that he is by drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, some of Oklahoma's finest moonshine, tons of blow and a bit of meth for good measure. I mean, if I'm gonna kill a motherfucker, I better get some shit that is gonna give me enough courage to do that shit. I ain't O.J. in this bitch.

Glover makes his move and heads to Florida to go and kill our favorite hoe, Carole.
James Garretson like the fat fuck informant he is, text Allen to confirm the crackhead has landed at home base when the element of surprise happens...Glover's like, "Plans changed, bitch. I'm headed back home to drink some beers and see some titties. A dead Carole gonna have to wait, bruh." Again, not in those exact words but you get what I'm fucking saying. Sometimes, 3 grand and a possible murder conviction doesn't outweigh getting fucked up and seeing some big ass bongos when you live in the South. What is life?

The FEDS get pissed and tell fat fuck Columbo (Garretson) to find another way to get Joe to pay some other dude to murder this goddamn cockroach who won't die, Carole. An undercover agent rolls with this Haley Joel Osment looking motherfucker to see if they can get this deal done. Text messages get exchanged, promises were made and a deal was finally agreed upon. They think they got Joe right where they want him, right? Nah, bruh. Joe is broke as fuck to even pay to have Carole killed, so ain't no one dying anytime soon.

Time to fast forward to Garretson and Jeff Lowe. Garretson admits to Jeff that he's working with the FEDS to try and bust Exotic for basically every law they could bust him for. Jeff is like, "Damn man. That's fucked up. By the way, I got some shit for you. Yeah, so...this gay looking Allan Jackson motherfucker was gonna pay Allen Glover to kill that bitch Carole. I think it was for like 5 grand, some meth and a reach around, topped off with a rusty trombone." FEDS work with Lowe, get him as another informant and by this time, Joe is really FUCKED. Like, for real for real...no more of this soap opera shit.

Joe and his gay-gay hubs bounce and try and hide out to some remote fucking place and act as if they now reside in Belize based on their social media accounts. Like James Garretson noted, that picture in Belize was bullshit because that water was some goddamn Florida pan handle water. What kind of water in Belize looks a bunch of homeless people been bathing in it, huh? SMH.

At this moment, we cue the goddamn FEDS and every law enforcement officer known to man. 5 cars and trucks surround this dude and get his ass. Case closed. Or is it???

Joe is finally in custody then this bitch, Carole, gets on her little fucking kitty cat webcam and announces to her following that Joe Exotic was arrested for trying to get her ass killed. I'm still heated, y'all. Not sure at who because once again, I'm fucked up as I'm writing this shit. LOL. But I digress...

Keep America Exotic Again is now in prison awaiting trial but while locked up, he speaks to the local news and basically says how he's been stripped of his clothes, right, identity and dignity. Ummm...bruh...not sure if you fucking know this but, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO TO PRISON FOR A MURDER FOR HIRE OR ANY FUCKING CRIME!!!! How much meth and cock has gone to your fucking head, dick boy?! For fuck's sake. Cry me a fucking river why don't you.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!

This dude acting like he's Martha fucking Stewart.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Jeff is like, fuck this shit. This zoo got too much heat with shit going down so let's pick up shop and relocate. And relocate they did, my friends.

What's next? We'll see when H-Bomb shares her review of Tiger King Ep. 7.

Until next time...

J-Wun

Tiger King Ep 5: Make America Exotic Again

I know, I know, I missed posting this dumpster fire of a recap yesterday, but lets be fucking real, no one, and I mean NO ONE knows what the fuck day it is. J-Wun asked me what day it was yesterday and I said it was the Eleventieth of Blurbember, because my ability to comprehend days and dates is about as in tact as Saff's left arm nubbin. I am so calendar dysfunctional I forgot to pay myself last week, as if I got settlement money like that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins rolling in. Shit was so real I almost had to turn gay for meth and kitty cuddles to keep myself in meth and kitty cuddles.

Episode 5. What. The. Fuck. This episode is a roller coaster ride, if you like roller coaster rides where they alternate setting you on fire and blasting you with hail at the same time, all while blindfolded and wearing noise cancelling headphones. If someone who had never seen an episode of this show started watching just this episode, it would be like when you are watching someone get tortured by keeping their eyes open and showing them the most gruesome shit of all time. If Stefan was trying to make up a club to describe this episode it would be called NOPE, because nothing can prepare you for what goes down in 44 mins.

This episode opens with mah dude Bhagavan, bringing the animals to a kiddie birthday party. And now I am all kinds of pissed off that my fuck ass parents never threw me a birthday party at Lion Country Safari (yeah that place mentioned in the show is 30 minutes from my house) and bought me this magical MoFo to party with. I want a Bhagavan "Doc" Antle Birthday Party, Daddy! And that story line just kind of peters out, as if that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins killed it.

Next, we hear some meow meow from Jeff and you see him wearing an affliction flannel shirt. Again. What. The. Fuck. How does one even procure such finery? Do you find an old County Seat, in a mall in Ciudad De Juarez, where they have clothes that people tried to set on fire in 2008, but then realized that you can't set it on fire because it has some kind of magical flame retardant properties? Should we start having firefighters wear Affliction Flannel shirts, because that is the only thing that can protect you from heat that intense?

And when I think the most fucked up thing I am going to see in this episode is an affliction flannel shirt (yes, I am fucking shook by that shit), Joe Exotic says, "Hold my meth pipe," because here comes Jabba The James Garretson. This dude looks like if you were drawing adult Haley Joel Osment from memory and you have only seen him one time. He looks like the haircut barbers all over the country are going to have to try to fix, because people started to cut their own hair in quarantine. He says he has managed strip clubs, and worked in the circus. Bro IS the circus. And is this dude in the Witless (I said what I said) Protection Program? Because he never looks the same in any of his interviews that will follow. And we will talk more about him in another episode, because this fat fuck manages to squeeze his 1000 tons of lard into a LOT of what happens in the future. To be continued.

I think James was introduced to play up that Travis wasn't gay-gay, just gay for meth and Big Cats. But, who the fuck of us isn't a little gay for meth and big cats? I know I sure the fuck am. All of this was a nice segue way to bring us to the one of the next WTF moments in this episode.

Walmart Meat Truck.

Running a zoo is 'spensive, meth is 'spensive, having two husbands is 'spensive. So like any frugal, business savvy, entrepreneur Joe decided to save money in the most obvious ways: cut out dental benefits for the staff/spouses and get old ass meat from Walmart, by the truckload. I mean, if my options were eating old ass Walmart meat OR smoking meth, I am going to have to be honest and say that meth may be the healthier option. Follow me @missushoper on Insta for more recipes!

Like a bad 3am infomercial, just when you think that's it, a coked up Billy Mays (RIP) says, "But wait, there's more." JOE FOR PRESIDENT.  Shut up and take my money! Fuck JFK, Fuck Obama, Fuck Trump. There will never be another word uttered in any presidential campaign, ever, than, "I ain't changing the way I dress, I refuse to wear a suit, I am gay, I am broke as shit, and I have a judgment against me by some bitch." He is us. We are him. And his campaign manager Joshua Dial (also maybe in the Witless Protection Program because he also goes a big metamorphosis during this show) saying he knew he was crazy from their conversations at Walmart. Dude. DUUUDE. Dude.

The campaign stuff is just too delicious. Joe is in his element, with his people, showing them the way and the light. Also, Political Condoms? Fucking Brilliant. I mean, we are all trying to fuck or get fucked, at least he is trying to keep us safe, because he loves us and wants the best for us.  I am not even going to get into the shittery of that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins talking about people getting their "Picture Made" with politicians like this taking a photo is some artisanal shit you buy on Etsy.

The kicker of all of this? We are only like 1/2 way through this episode. I could go on and on about some things, but we gotta get to the meat of what this episode is really about. And I literally mean meat. Travis's meat. There is a lot of meow meow about Joe, John, and Travis, and their drug use, the toys that Joe was lavishing upon them, how both John and Travis weren't gay and Joe is losing his shit, maybe from too many drugs or bad Walmart meat (no one will ever know), John knocks up the girl at the front desk, and Travis, being Travis, shoots himself in the head and dies. Told ya. Roller-Fucking-Coaster.

You would think that losing one part of your Not So Gay Three Way Marriage would sober Joe up. Fuck ALL that noise. Joe goes full Joe on errybody and gives The Eulogy to end all Eulogies. Dressed as a priest, singing his songs, talking about Travis rubbing his balls on Joe's face. Then cut to Travis's mom tweaking the fuck out in the front row. But do you blame her? I sure the fuck don't.

You would think this would  be the end of it, but nope, there's still more. Joe has a shrine built for Travis, and thankfully the local motorcycle club saw whatever back alley abortion dumpster fire Joe created and designed a tasteful, elegant, timeless piece where Joe can take pictures of the clouds that say Hi, or High, not really clear there. But don't cry for Joe, Oklahoma. Just two months later, he has a new love, and this dude is actually gay. Like an openly gay, Joe loving man. And they get married. And live happily meth-er after.

JUST KIDDING.

I am spent after that recap. I need a shower, a nap, and a hot meal. Preferably not old ass Walmart meat, but we all know I have probably put worse in my mouth before. Stay tuned for J-Wunder's Ep 6
recap, whenever that may be, because calendars are hard.

😻H-Bomb😻

That's News to Me

Chris Birch, 26, told the UK's Daily Mail that after he awoke from a stroke he suffered after trying to do a flip at the gym (and failing, and breaking his neck): "It sounds strange but when I came round I immediately felt different."

"I wasn't interested in women any more. I was definitely gay."

"I had never been attracted to a man before -- I'd never even had any gay friends. But I didn't care about who I was before, I had to be true to my feelings."

via - Buzzfeed