T'was The Night Before Christmas…The Untold Version

T'was the night before Christmas,
And all through the pad,
Not a creature was fucking,
Not even your dad.

The Fireball was poured,
In a pint glass with care.
In hopes that J-Wunder,
Soon would be there.

The women were saddened by the ones in their bed,
They dreamt of the Ghetto Genius,
Showing up instead.

H-Bomb in her track suit,
And I in my cap,
Had just sat down,
For a dance on our laps.

When up on the stage there arose a roaring laughter,
I sprang from my dance,
To see what was the matter.

Away to the door,
I flew off like a thong,
Leaned over a trash can,
And threw up for so long.

The ass on that stage,
Of the woman so large,
Left H-Bomb and I,
With memories so scarred.

When what to my watering eyes had appeared,
Cat Woman had started
Stripping for beer!

With a little look around,
To survey the club,
I saw Anonymous,
Waiting for her with a sub.

Before I could catch him,
He took off so fast,
Down a back alley with her,
And that gargantuan ass.

From the mind of J-Wunder,
To the Ghetto Genius wall,
I got you back fucker,
By posting this all.

Happy Holidays to all,
And to all,
A drunk night.

Tis The Season For A Christmas TEXTASTROPHE!!!!!

via - Textastrophe

He's Doing Holiday Cards Right!

J-Wunder's Guide to a Fun Ass Holiday Party

Holiday parties. A lot of you this year are planning to throw one. And like every party you host, you want to make sure it’s not just fun but EPIC, in a sense. So today, for those folks who are planning to throw a little holiday gathering but aren't sure what the fuck to do, grab a pen, some paper and take notes because I’m here to give you “J-Wunder’s Guide to a Fun Ass Holiday Party”.

Rule #1: Booze, Booze, Booze
I get that some of you might not drink and that’s cool. But let's be fucking real…booze makes shit a whole helluva lot more entertaining. Did you know that once the holiday season hits, alcohol sales increase by 72.6394%? Ok, that stat is a complete fucking lie but c’mon…don’t tell me for a goddamn second your alcohol intake doesn’t increase by that much (or more) once the holidays roll around? But I digress…

Booze at a holiday party is crucial. Why? Because it lightens you the fuck up. It puts those grouchy ass motherfuckers that you dread coming, in a better mood. It makes that person you’re planning to hook up with, not only look hotter, but help their morals go right out the fucking window. I mean, could you imagine how square a party would be without booze? No one would have anything good to talk about. No one could offend someone without sounding funny. No one could whip their titties or cock out on a Christmas dare…wait, what?

Please note: If you are part of the working class...please, please, please serve some good booze. Ain't no one trying to come to your house and drink Natty Light and Popov Vodka. You do that, and you'll get your ass kicked. However, if you ARE a college student, well, serve whatever the fuck you want (it's about quantity, not quality). 

Booze…serve some, drink some and get everyone shitty. If your guest can remember the following day, then you FAILED miserably.


Rule #2: Food is Mmmm, Mmmm Good
One thing a holiday party needs besides booze is food. Damn straight. No food? Have fun trying to keep guest at your pad for more than an hour, asshole. True story. Grub is important, especially when you’re serving booze. Nothing’s worse than serving a shit ton of booze and a couple goddamn cheese platters. You do that and you will see a lot of motherfuckers puking on your rug, kitchen sink, toilet, bathtub and dog. Yes, I said dog. Don’t ask…happened about 5 years ago. Not my fault they had more scotch than those piece of shit cucumber sandwiches. Just sayin’…

Anyway, no one is saying you gotta serve a turkey and shit. A good grip of appetizers should work. Taquitos, Hot Pockets, cheese platter, stuffed mushrooms…shit like that should fucking work. If you’re a lazy fuck like me and don’t want to make shit with your hands, go to Costco or Sam's Club and hit up the frozen food aisle. That place is a motherfuckers dream for holiday party apps.

Feed your motherfucking guests. If you don't two things will happen: 1) They will eat the shit in your fridge and cupboards and 2) They will steal your booze and fucking leave.


Rule #3: Music Keeps the Party Going
True story. If you have tasty booze, good food and great company…good fucking music makes the party that much better. Now, knowing this is the holiday season, you are probably asking if you should play Christmas music, right? Yes, but to a certain fucking extent. Don’t get me wrong, I love motherfucking Christmas but I don’t love hearing 10 goddamn renditions of Silver Bells. Basically what I’m telling you is that Christmas music is cool, but keep that shit limited. You know what kind of music your friends dig, so make sure your playlist is good enough to keep the party going and suits the crowd.

Ain’t no motherfucker trying to be all dressed up in cocktail attire, sipping on a martini eating a chicken skewer while listening to Marilyn Manson. Ya feel me?

Music = Dance fucking party


Rule #4: Hang a Mistletoe
Are mistletoe's gay? Not if you invite single, good looking motherfuckers. Here is one thing I learned on my path of a fucked up life: During the holiday season when people are wasted, they tend to be in good moods. Translation: Motherfuckers will make out with you at a holiday party if you have a mistletoe hanging around. They would probably make out with you regardless while trashed but, having a mistletoe makes the mood not so awkward. Don't believe me, try it. You're welcome.


Rule #5: Have Fun
Bottom line...you're hosting a party. HAVE FUCKING FUN. There have been so many times where I've been to parties where the host is an uptight assfuck (I'll admit, that used to be me). Here's an idea: Lighten the fuck up and chill the fuck out, motherfucker. Why host a party if you're gonna be all uptight and shit, right?

Party + Food + Booze + Music = Broken shit, dirty counter tops, puke stained carpet, dance party madness, randoms passed out on the couch, AWESOME NIGHT!

Realize that if your guests sense you're being an uptight little bitch, they'll leave. No one likes a Party Nazi so don't be one. Trust me, I know because I was one. So how did I snap the fuck out of it, you ask? Simple...I didn't want to be a little fucking bitch. I was cured of BITCHASSNESS. Yessss!!!


So there you have it. Five rules to follow. Were they no-brainers? Of course they were but sometimes people need some goddamn guidance. Take these tools and apply them because the last thing you need is hosting a shitty party that everyone will talk about. And we all know, throwing a shitty party is not fucking cool. AT ALL.

Tis the season motherfuckers!!!!

My "Wish List"

Every Christmas, I'm always asked, "J-Wun, do you have a wish list this year?" And every time I get through thinking about it, I always end up not having one. That's probably because I'm drunk half the fucking time and just want to have sex with random homeless women. Wait, what?!

All jokes aside though, this year, I finally sat down with a beer in hand and thought about my "Wish List". And after thinking long and hard (that's what she said), my list was everything I imagined it could be. So without further fucking adieu, I give you "J-Wunder's mother fucking wish list for Christmas, birthdays and other shit that needs wishes list"...

1) JUST FUCKING LIGHTEN UP

I wish mother fuckers would lighten the fuck up in this world. I mean, do I really need to get into details with this wish? Too many assfucks take life too seriously. Calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out. I hate people like you and so does everybody else. You mad? Then jump off a fucking bridge because you trying to bring me down just makes me want to poke you in the mother fucking eyes, asshole. So yeah, fuck you too.

2) SHORTENED WORK WEEKS

I wish work weeks started on Sunday and ended on Monday. These are the two days where you'll never find a good happy hour or drink deal. Ok, on both these days you MIGHT find something during football season but that shit is short lived so who the fuck are we kidding, right? Tuesday-Saturday hold a special place in my heart for booze, sex and some illegal shit. Don't ask me why, it just sounds fucking amazing.

3) FACEBOOK SANS FARMVILLE

I get 10 requests a day from different friends about this game. Hey mother fuckers, does it look like I play farm games? Some of you say it's "therapeutic", I say, go fuck yourself and get a goddamn job. STOP THIS SHIT. PLEASE. You guys are worse then these World of Warcraft mother fuckers who think zombies are real. Fuck your crops, I hope they die. Oh, and if you're offended, good. Fuck you and find something better to do, like...GET A FUCKING JOB or LIFE. Whichever one comes first. Flip a coin bitches.

4) CO-WORKERS SHUT THE FUCK UP

I wish my fellow co-workers would shut the fuck up and never talk. If you heard some of these bitches open their mouths, you would wish the same fucking shit too. You're a fucking moron, you're ugly and you make me want to kill myself. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Thanks.

5) TSA GETS WHAT THEY HAVE COMING

I wish I could pepper spray 95% of TSA Security in the face. They are probably the biggest power trippers in the world. Just because you wear a special blue shirt and hold a flash light, you ARE the law?? They're the only people that unnecessarily yell and never shut the fuck up. Hey, I get it...laptops, dvds and camera's go in a bin. I don't need to hear that shit 87 times mother fucker. Here's an idea, take that special embroidered badge, turn it sideways and shove it up your candy ass. Dick fucks.

6) HANGOVERS DON'T EXIST

I love to drink. Back in my 20's, hangovers would last til I took my first fucking piss. Now that I'm 32...I feel the need to go see a doctor because I think I might have alcohol fucking poisoning. Shit is fucked up yo! I say, the older we get, the better we should feel. Kinda like a reward. You drank a 12 pack of beer? Good job old fucker...no hangover for you. Instead...you drank a 12 pack of beer? Hahaha mother fucker, you will feel like complete fucking shit while sitting on the pooper half the day with tears streaming down your fucking face. That ain't right.

7) SLAP YOU SILLY WEDNESDAY

I wish once a week, I was allowed to slap the living shit out of somebody. Lets be real...punching someone in the face is awesome, but slapping someone like a little fucking bitch is goddamn amazing! Why Wednesday? Because by Wednesday, I can taste the weekend and can't fucking stand annoying mother fuckers. A fact of life: KEEP THE PIMP HAND STRONG.

8) HEELS FOR HOT BITCHES ONLY

I wish every chick in heels would stop thinking they are hot because they wear heels. Hey, I dig me some mother fucking heels. Why? Because they are goddamn sexy. However, if you're fucking ugly as shit and overweight, heels aren't gonna turn you into Cinderella. FACT. For some reason, every woman I've encountered that wears heels seems to think their shit doesn't stink. Sorry to tell ya but your heels look better then your face. It's just to bad you're so big they look like flats now. Money can't fix ugly...neither can heels. I'm an asshole, huh? Good. You're welcome.

9) LEGALIZE COCAINE THURSDAYS

Cocaine is one helluva fucking drug. So imagine if we legalized a Cocaine Thursday's? How money would that be, right? Mother fuckers not sleeping, all high as shit and worthless as hell come Friday...unless the shortened work week came true, then no it wouldn't matter, right? Call me crazy but, if we had a Cocaine Thursday's, do you know how much productivity would increase? One thousand goddamn percent.

10) HUMAN CLONING

Three words: HUMAN FUCKING CLONING. I'm a busy mother fucker. I got places to go, people to do. If we can do test on aliens and shit, as well as clone mother fucking goats or whatever...science can start cloning mother fucking humans. I'm just sayin'.

While my clone is off to work making some dough, guess what I'm doing? Spending all the money and traveling...while getting fucking drunk, boning broads and slapping people across the goddamn face with unlimited baby powder. Holy shit...this sounds like a relationship gone bad. WINNING.



10 wishes. 10 fucking wishes that I hope come goddamn true. If they don't, I don't fucking care...I'll just get drunk and have dirty sex.

Just Sayin'

LMFAO!!!

Blog Story Holiday Theme Week

CALLING ALL FRIENDS AND BLOG READERS - 

Since we are in the holiday spirit, it's theme week for "The Life of J-Wunder" Blogspot. Have a pretty fucked up family holiday story you want to share? 

Did your uncle try to stab your brother with a pitch fork because he couldn't slice the turkey? Maybe your sister got so wasted she pissed on the tree thinking it was the toilet?  Which cousin got peanut butter licked off their balls from the family dog because they lost a bet?

Send them my way. It's the holiday season...sharing is caring! 

jwunder33@gmail.com

Most Spirited House on the Block - FAIL

Have a Maury Christmas!

It's 4:20 in the North Pole

Even Frosty gets high with Snoop.  Fo-shizzle.  

Single Girls X-Mas Style