As I sit here, hung the fuck over, I wanted to tell all of you what happened to me this weekend. First off, a majority of you are all aware I was at my good buddies bachelor party in San Francisco. So if you're looking to hear some story about it, it ain't happening. At least not right now it ain't. Just know that I drank my life away from 10:45am til 2-3am (I think). It started with the a 12 pack of Coors Light and some shots of tequila at the golf course. That was just for me. I was fucked up by the time the round was over and well, the rest was fucking history. Never thought the man they call "J-Wunder," could drink for a goddamn party of 10 people. But shit, that's how I fucking roll. Go big or go home, right? One thing I know, is that Charlie Sheen would have been proud of me. But I digress...
What I wanted to let everyone know, was that I was fucking robbed. Not like "at gunpoint" robbed. Just robbed...whatever the fuck that means. And not by some big and bad, intimidating mother fucker either. Oh no. I was robbed by a goddamn female crackhead bum. You read that correct. I.WAS.ROBBED.BY.A.GIRL.BUM. Right before my very fucking eyes too.
There I am with my buddy at Carl's Jr. @ 10:45am. Hungry, still drunk, 1/4 hungover, smelling like jager bombs and wanting to die from the massive Charlie Sheen-ing I decided to take on last night (minus the briefcase full of cocaine). How I didn't throw up, is a goddamn mystery to me because if 72% of Americans drank the shit I did Saturday night, they would be in the goddamn ER getting their stomach pumped or fucking dead. I'm no alcoholic but when you combine Booze + Bachelor Party in the same sentence, I go out like it's the last fucking party on earth. The funny thing about this Carl's Jr., is that it's located in the Tenderloin. For those of you that have no clue what I'm talking about, let me tell you about the place I like to call "The T-L."
IT'S FUCKING G-H-E-T-T-O. Combine the craziest mother fuckers on earth that are homeless, drug addicts, alcoholics and psych-ward escapees and you have - THE TENDERLOIN. I can honestly say, this area of San Francisco is one place if people don't know where the fuck they are, don't bother walking through it. However, if you want to get stabbed or mugged by a gang of homeless people, then have at it. The mother fuckers in this area are bigger than the mafia. More gangsta than gangsters. Crazier than your vato friend they call "Little Puppet". Mother fuckers in "The T-L" just don't give a fuck and will kill for cheeseburgers and milk shakes. They smoke rocks like the shit is a pack of Marlboro Reds. That's how these crazy fools roll. And it scares the living shit out of me, folks.
So now that you have the picture set in your head...
As my buddy and I are eating in this lovely establishment in a very fucked up area, we noticed one thing: BUMS. Lots and lots of fucking bums just cruising in and out of this goddamn place like it's a fucking homeless shelter. In about 15 minutes, my buddy and I witnessed a bum in an electric wheelchair stealing soda and putting that shit in his big ass coffee mug, one bum talking to himself and plotting on how to kill the non-English speaking cashier, and two other bums trying to steal other peoples food. This is what I witnessed all in 15 fucking minutes people. And in the 16th minute, I was greeted by a most crackheaded female bum the world has ever seen...
Crackhead: *approaching me very slowly* "Excuse me sir, can I ask you a question?" *She begins to lean over as if she's about to kiss me*
*I shoot up like a cock rising with my hands up ready to fight*
JW: "Bitch are you crazy?! What the fuck?!"
Crackhead: "I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry." *She leaves and goes outside*
I go back to my seat, finish my burger and fries, grab my phone to send a text then say, "What the fuck?! That bitch stole my phone. That mother fucking bitch stole my phone!" At this point, I'm heated, get up and yell to the Carl's Jr. employees, "CALL THE MOTHER FUCKING COPS RIGHT NOW! THAT BITCH STOLE MY FUCKING PHONE!" After I said that, all you heard were fucking crickets in a busy ass Carl's Jr. No one did shit. No one said shit. Just blank ass stares. Mouths wide open as if they were waiting for me to pull out my dong and start jabbing it in their mouths or something. They looked at me as if I wasn't speaking English. Here I am yelling that I got robbed and they do nothing but look at me as if I was a goddamn alien with a small pecker. Within seconds, I go outside and chase this bitch down. The madness ensues...
JW: *At the top of my lungs* "Bitch, give me my mother fucking phone or some shit is about to get fucking real."
Crackhead: "I didn't take nothing. I don't know what you're talking about."
JW: "Fuck you bitch. Give me my mother fucking phone or I'm gonna get Jackie Chan on your ass."
*Meanwhile inside Carl's Jr. *
Worker: "So what happened?"
Buddy: "The bitch stole his fucking phone. Did you not see him yelling this shit two seconds ago?"
Back to the confrontation...
Right at that point of yelling at this crackhead, I realized something. The louder I was getting, the more crazy homeless people were coming out from under newspapers and goddamn cardboard boxes. It was like I was finding myself in a really fucked up nightmare where I'm about to die. As if they were going to unite as one big ass Voltron Bum and attack me. I then said to myself, "Man, I need to chill the fuck out right now. No phone is worth getting stabbed with a dirty ass needle and contracting AIDS by tomorrow." I mean, my phone has a password and the battery was about to die, what's the worse that could happen? I guess the more interesting question is, what the fuck was this bitch going to do with my phone? Sell it + her vagina for $25 and a hit of crack?
I got taken by a pro. Did I deserve it? One of my good friends says it's Karma for all the shit I talk about people on this blog. So if that's the case, I'll keep talking shit because my ass ain't gonna stop. I do it for my readers and I ain't trying to disappoint you guys. All I know is that I'm phoneless until fucking Tuesday and it's going to suck big fucking donkey dick.
Having no phone is like wearing a condom...it just doesn't feel right.
A bum stole my phone. A female fucking bum stole my phone right before my very eyes. And I think that bitch took 3-4 french fries as well. This is the story of my life. Having the most random shit happen to me so I can talk about it. I guess this was a good ending to a bachelor party weekend.
