St. Panties Day Massacre

No it's not a typo. The title of this column is exactly what it says - ST. PANTIES DAY MASSACRE.

People, what I'm about to tell you is something, I, The RINGER, could only tell. If you haven't noticed, weird shit only happens to me. Not because I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time, but because honestly, I do this shit to myself. Just ask our fearless leader, J-Wunder. Who in fact, laughed at my sorry ass this past weekend because he's a fucking dickface. Hear that J-Wun...I'm calling you a fucking dickface. Dickface. Sorry bro, don't cut me.

500 people crowded into one bar. Some drunk. Some wiggity wasted. Some blacked the fuck out. Myself? Well, I was borderline dead. As in, no longer living. What turned out as a day of celebrating Irish whateverthefuckitis, ended up being what I like to call, "EPIC".

If there is one thing you need to know about me is that I don't give a fuck. About anything. If I am ever challenged, I will ALWAYS accept that challenge then fuck you in the face with it. Take March 17, 2012 for example:

My boys thought it would be fucking hilarious for me to get on top of the bar, quiet the crowd and request something from the ladies. What that request was, was up to me. All I had to do was get the fucking energy to hop on the fucking bar and yell some shit out to 499 other drunk motherfuckers. So I did...

ME: "Excuse me mates (why the fuck I tried to sound Australian beats the shit out of me). How you fucking fucks doing in this bitch?! I know I don't look Irish and I'm pretty fucked up right now, but you know what? You donkey fucks are fucking drunk too, so don't fucking judge. I forgot what the hell I was gonna say. Oh yeah...the reason why I'm standing up on this here bar about to get my ass kicked, is because I wanted to ask all of you ladies...even you fucking god awful ugly ones who will probably get cuter by the time I finish this car bomb…I want your panties. Now, like Mardi Gras, I am starting a new fucking revolution bitches. It's called St. Panties Day. True story sluts. All I ask to celebrate this joyous new occasion along with St. Patrick's Day is that all you ladies give me your panties so I can put them around my neck as a homage to every man, known to man...even fucking Jesus who was a holy fucking dude. So who is in?"

It was at that point I knew I said some shit that was either going to get me fucking killed, or get me fucking laid. Then it happened...

*SILENCE* *LAUGHTER* *A COUPLE OF "FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG's"* THEN...

The first pair of thongs thrown in my direction. Then another. And another. And another. Shit started flying from every goddamn direction. Bitches were straight making it rain panties...even them fat ass bitches. It was like some motherfucker blew up Victoria’s Secret inside this goddamn bar. My boys were floored and I just sat there holding my fucking cock like that shit was 20 inches long and thick as a goddamn oak tree. Straight up. And if this day couldn’t get any better, it did.

What starting off as a ridiculous fucking request, practically turned into a drunk orgy. I realized any woman willing to take off their panties and give them to a goddamn stranger was down to get down. Because of that, I was covered in every piece of pussy that place had to offer. Hot ones, fat ones, anorexic ones, smelly ones, "holy shit" ones, "sign me up for that" ones...it got to the point where I felt famous almost. Invincible actually.

Girl after girl, I made out with those drunk bitches like I was going through food samples at Costco. A little kiss here, some grab ass over there, some titty-a-la-mode up in this shit...a few games of tug and pull like it was nothing. Then came that awkward moment as I was heading to the bathroom...

She was a Ginger. Hot as a bare vagina with a day old waxing (because day of, we all know that shit is swollen and looks like a fucking cantaloupe). She followed me to the pisser only to whisper those sweet words: "I want to suck your cock pantie boy." I took one drunk ass look at her, grabbed her by the ass cheeks and pushed her into the bathroom headed towards the handicap stall. At first it was awkward because 3 dudes were in the other stalls taking a fat ass shit from way too much fucking Guiness, but once we got past that point, I locked the bathroom door behind me, unzipped my pants, whipped out my fucking schlong and Strawberry Short Tits went to town. It was blowjob fucking heaven people. It was like this broad was sucking a golf ball through a garden hose. In and out, up and down, Ginger Spice was about to make me o-face with the fucking quickness. But with that quickness came a goddamn consequence I thought I would never ever fucking believe.

"Baby, I'm gonna cum all up in your mizzle. You ready? You fucking ready for a cumsicle baby?" Prepare for blast off in 3, 2, 1...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I came sooooooo fucking hard that I thought I blew off this bitches head! I started to convulse and do the Harlem Shake while my dick was still in her mouth, then suddenly I fucking felt something...something warm and thick. Oh shit...no way. No fucking way. Mother fucking shit, no way?!

PUKE...this bitch started puking all over my cock, jeans and shoes. Mixed that in with probably what felt like 6 gallons of jizz in her mouth...what came from the depths of her inner linings looked like the inside of a goddamn dead corpse. I'm almost fucking positive she must have eaten Fettucini Alfredo at the Olive Garden because for some fucked up reason, I saw about a pound of noodles pitter pattering against my cock along with that zesty white sauce which by the way didn't resemble my cum. AT ALL. Don't ask me how I fucking know, I just fucking do assholes. But what's worse about this incident wasn't that Ginger McPuke was blowing chow all over my wank-diesel...oh, hell no. It's what happened 2 minutes later...

Realizing I had felt what was like one weeks worth of fucking puke on the lower half of my body, I became fucking ill. Not because of the rancid fucking smell or the scene of the crime, but because my fucking dick looked like it was dipped in a bucket of WHATTHEFUCK and was about to be fed to the goddamn sharks. Disgusted by this, I did the only thing one man could do who was covered in puke from the waist down...I puked right back on this bitch. All over the top of her fucking head. I was drinking since 7am. I swear on my gardener Jesus, I had at least 25 pints of Guinness, 10 Car Bombs and a shit ton of fried food that would make a fat man cum for 3 days straight. It was like a waterfall of puke all over this bitch. It was worse then the scene from Stand by Me when "Lard Ass" was in that pie eating contest. A sexual encounter gone horribly wrong. Two peeps covered in so much puke that one of the guys in the shitter next to us starting puking all over himself. I'm almost certain.

The worst part about all of this was what Ginger McFucked said after the puking subsided. She said and I quote, "I'm so sorry, but your cum tasted like beer and it surprised me. I'm so damn embarrassed." My cum tasted like beer? Really? And that's a bad thing? Bitch, I saw you take 3 car bombs while I was saying my speech to all the other bitches. You beer bonged at least 3 pints of Guinness like a champ. And it surprised you that my cum tasted like beer? Get the fuck outta here with that shit. I took one look at her, put my hand on her puke infested face and said, "Ginger, the way my cum tasted should be the least of your concern. You should worry about walking out of this bathroom and explaining to 498 other folks why it looks like an elephant took a shit all over you. I'm not sorry my cum tasted like wholesome goodness. You should take the back door, go home and clean yourself up. I'll be fine here."

She didn't say anything after that. She got up, puke all over her drunk ass self and bounced to never be seen again that day. What was a good idea ended up being a great idea. Not because my dick had throw up all over it, but because I came to the realization that if you drink ENOUGH beer, your cum will tastes like it. That shit is fucking awesome as fuck! Beer me motherfuckers!

Another one in the books for Mr. RING-A-DINGER.

When the drumming gets tough, the tough keep drumming...

Rough Night

Mount Gay - A Barf Story

This isn't your typical run-of-the-mill story.  This is a flashback that has haunted me for years. 10 years to be exact. 2 roommates, one shot, and a packed bar/restaurant in San Luis Obispo, CA.  Every year around this time, something reminds me of this awful night my junior year in college.

It was early, probably about 8pm on a Friday night. A group of guys went to Madison's and I decided to hit up my spot, Hudson's. About an hour passes and for some reason, everyone came back feeling pretty good except my roommate Chris. Was he drunk? No. He was just buzzed...really, really fucking buzzed. Ok, call it border-line drunk. The place is packed and my friends and I take over the bar. Keep in mind, everyone is either buzzed or drunk (ok, maybe only Chris), and I've only had maybe one 22oz of that delicious Budweiser. I'll get to the point before I bore everyone to death and I start getting hate mail...

A conversation comes up about the weird names of the bottles that are at the bar (for instance, Tequila Monster - it's a Tequila Schnapp's...WTF) and all of the sudden we notice this bottle of Mount Gay Rum. We're a bunch of college jerkoffs and we didn't really know that Mount Gay Rum actually was tastey. We were just cracking up at the fact that someone would actually call this rum, Mount Gay, so we decide to buy my drunk roomie, Chris, a gay shot (BTW - I have nothing against the gay community, it just so happens that the rum is called Mount Gay. I love gay people...but not in a gay way, that's all)! But I digress...

Fast forward...

Chris finally takes this shot but really struggles. I mean, shit is leaking out the sides of his mouth and his eyes are watering at this point. And from what we can tell, he probably only downed half. We all get a good laugh and start giving the guy shit! I need to take a leak so I say to everyone, "Hey, I gotta take a leak, so pound your drinks and we'll head out to another bar when I get back." I get out of my seat, push in my chair next to my buddy Jack (he's sitting to my right), take one step towards the bathroom and all of the fucking sudden, Chris just unleashes the god awful fury on my face, head and body! The son of a bitch was standing behind Jack and waits for me to walk 6 inches in front of him to start puking. Chaos breaks out from there...

The puking is so fucking violent and loud that 5 things happen all at once:

1 - Customers that are enjoying their lovely dinners (some were probably on a first date, looks like those poor bastards didn't get laid that night) are fucking screaming bloody murder at my roommate to stop. Seriously, if anyone can stop in mid-puke, I'll give you 3 fucking dollars right now!

2 - The puke that's slapping my face, head and body, ricochet off Jack's back and onto the bartender's (Pete) neck. Poor fucking guy had to wear his work shirt for the rest of the night I bet.

3 - My friends are laughing their fucking asses off the whole time I'm getting spewed on. These sons of bitches said the best part about this was it looked like it was in slow motion...Fuck you guys for laughing! Friends don't treat friends like that.

4 - The restaurant manager (who by the way looks like Large Marge from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure) is screaming at Chris to stop puking on my face and asking her staff to get a mop ready.

5 - I'm taking it all in. Every fucking single piece of puke. This shit is coming from all different directions. If I could describe what carrots felt like hitting your face when it blasted from the depths of someone elses large intestine, I would. I'm also thinking, "Looks like that chick I've been giving the googly eye to since I got here, might not want my number now." Lets not forget to mention the chance on the piece of ass I was hoping to get this very night, just went from a solid 92.76% to a very pathetic, -63.89%.

This bastard probably pukes for a good 25-35 seconds (that's a long fucking time when you are getting thrown up on) all over me. I don't move and just let him go to town on my face, head and body (all 6 inches away). He finally stops, and everyone is silent waiting for me to say something...anything! I open my mouth and just yell the words, "MY ROOMMATE JUST THREW UP ON MY FUCKING FACE! MY ROOMMATE JUST THREW UP ON MY FUCKING HEAD AND BODY!" I dart to the bathroom and at this point I'm trying not to throw up. I smell like something you would catch on your feet in Tijuana, and I am speechless on what just happened. Drunk ass Chris walks in the bathroom, looks at me and says (I kid you fucking not), "Bro, if I had to throw up on anyone, I'm glad I threw up on you bro! Don't worry, I ate veggies and filet mignon tonight." Are you fucking kidding me?! "I ate fucking veggies and filet mignon tonight?" I'm about to throw up in this dudes mouth and he's so fucking drunk that he has no clue what just went down. And that's what you came to tell me you fucking cock smoker?!

15 minutes fly by and I get as clean as I possibly can. I seriously try to walk out of the bathroom all cool and shit but it's not working. Every single eyeball followed me from the bathroom back to my chair. The fucking place looked like a murder scene and everyone just witnessed a killing on my face, head and upper torso! We bounce out and the last 2 things I remember were this:

1 - My buddy Ben lights a cigarette, takes a hit, looks at me and just starts fucking yacking across the street (still holding his cigarette in hand too). His only words were, "Bro, you smell like fucking shit, you pussy!"

2 - Me taking a 45 minute shower, and using 10 Q-Tips to clean out my right ear.

Fuck My Life on that sad ass day in San Luis Obispo, CA circa 2000...