Rapid Fire with J-Wunder and Ball Buster

That's right, you get both J-Wunder and Ball Buster answering some of the weirdest, most fucked up questions out there.... in a little segment we like to call "Rapid Fire"

Q1) If you could fuck any animal, what would it be and why?

BB: Just because you’re obviously a fucking moron, I’m going to say a human. Humans are fucking animals, you dildo. And why? Because I loooove fucking some human.

JW: I’m gonna have to fuck a tiger. I don't know why but for some reason, fucking a tiger would make me feel like I accomplished something really major in life.

BB: Nice, J, I bet you’d do ggggrrrrreat!

JW: Hey BB, I will slap the shit out of you then shit on your face. 

Q2) What is the one thing you have never done in the sack that you secretly want to do?

BB: One word: threesome

JW: One word: foursome

Q3) If you were trapped on a desert island and could take only 2 things, what would they be?

BB: 1) A bottle of booze that I could drink and then fuck myself with and 2) A gun.

JW: 1) A knife because I need to kill shit if I'm fucking hungry and 2) A big ass bottle of KY because after awhile of jerking off dry and shit, I'm gonna need a little something, something that is as close to a wet vagina as I'll ever get to.

BB: Damn, we’re oddly similar.

JW: Is it weird that I'm kinda turned on and wouldn't mind playing with your balloon knot right now?

Q4) If you had $10 to your name, and really wanted to get laid, what would you do?

JW: I'd go to the worst strip club on the fucking planet, tell them this is all I have and I bet I'm guaranteed to have sex. I'll even stay after to help mop and shit. Good customer fucking service

BB: Well the thing is, I’m a chick, so it’s really not that hard to get laid. But if I wanted some quality cock, I’d go a nice bar, walk up to a sexy dude and say… “You seen fun, can I buy you a shot?” Works every time.

JW: You’re such a slut you fucking slut. I love you.

Q5) Biggest regret and why?

BB: Not moving to Sydney when I had the chance. I fucking love it down under. 

JW: I bet you do whore. 

JW: Vegas 2002. Met some bad ass bitches at Bellagio. They were down for some ground and pound and so was I. What I failed to realize though was that I had one too many shots of jager prior to taking these bitches back to my hotel. Basically, I didn't get a chance to even have fucking whiskey dick. I passed out on the cab ride back to my hotel. Bitches couldn't wake me up, so not only did they fucking leave me in the goddamn cab, but those shady cunts took all my fucking cash. Broke and fuckless ain't the business.

BB: Wow, major fuck up. But sounds like you deserved it, douche.

RAPID FIRE, with Ball Buster

1) What's the most inappropriate thing a woman can do as a person?

Go for a man's asshole without permission.

2) If you had to choose between cleaning up a warehouse full of elephant shit and sucking cock every day, in order to live, which one would you choose and why?

This is fucking silly, J. Do you really expect me to say I'd rather clean elephant shit? I'd rather suck cock every day than go to work. I'd rather suck cock every day than clean my house. Hell, I'd rather suck cock every day than cook breakfast, and I don't even eat goddamn breakfast... I mean, I don't think this even warrants an answer. Asshole.

3) Would you rather get a fist in your ass or in your vagina?

Fist in the ass. This answer may surprise people, but let me explain why. The ass would fucking hurt and probably be much less enjoyable. The thing is though that I have a nice taut vagina and I don't want anything stretching it out, making life much less pleasurable (for me and any male friends I come across in life)... I'm childless, so my vagina is at an advantage.

4) A person puts a gun to your head and says he's gonna kill you if you don't go down on your friend who has herpes. What do you do?

Shoot me. The technology brain surgeons have access these days is pretty incredible. Survival is still an option.

5) Best drug in the world and why?

Cocaine. Makes you feel like you're god-damn invincible and amazing. I hear it's a helluva drug.

6) Are vibrators overrated?

I can get myself off in less than 30 seconds. And it's not that fun. There is ZERO replacement for the real thing. I will cage fight any bitch who tries to argue this with me.

7) What's the #1 thing a guy can do to fuck up a first date?

Go for the asshole without permission.

8) If you could have one wish that didn't involve money, sex, booze and drugs, what would it be?

This feels unfair. Um, World peace? I mean, what else is there? Nothing fun...

9) White boys or the other?

I like to think of myself as an equal opportunist, but since "the other" encompasses a very large, un-defined group of men... I gotta go with the white boys.

10) Do big dicks do the trick or is it all myth?

Big dicks start with an advantage, there is no lying. I mean, you can't get to China in a goddamn dingy... And you can't get to the Earth's core with a jack hammer. But at the same time, the Titanic sank and that big-ass drill in Armageddon broke.

I guess the moral of the story -- I can't stress how important it is to know what you're doing with that thing.

Can't turn a Ho into a Housewife

It was a wise, wise man who once told us all, "You can't turn a ho into a housewife." We've heard it from 2Pac and Luda, but whoever gets credit for saying it first, we have to thank them for the advice.

To quote Ludacris himself:
"Why can't you turn a ho into a housewife? Because ho's don't act right. Ho's are your friends, ho's are your enemies."

It takes a special kind to be called a fucking "Ho". Ho's aren't just your typical loose bitches who are fantastic in bed...they hold this special quality: they'll fuck you. And I'm not talking in the bedroom.

Don't believe me? I have some fucking proof for you bitches. Pay close fucking attention.

#1: Heidi Montag

 This bitch is such a fucking ho, it's unreal. And this was pre-surgery. What's worse than a ho? A no-talent ho that NOW looks like she got a pussy for a mouth. Cheers to you Heidi. Bitch.

#2. Snooki

 Each of the four years she's been on Jersey Shore, she starts off having a "serious" boyfriend. She DESPERATELY wants to get married and do the damn thing. But guess what...this ho ain't never gonna be a housewife. I mean, look at this bitch. Skin looking like some shit from Panda Express. Fuck that and fuck you, Snooki Hooki Ho.

#3. J-Lo

 Come the fuck on. Puff Daddy. Ben Affleck. P-Diddy. Marc fucking Anthony. J-ho is like a goddamn Merry-Go-Round. This bitch is such a ho, she even got knocked up. She's a HO-FO-SHO.

#4. Kim Kardashian

 Did anyone know that Kim's been married twice now? This was between fucking Reggie Bush and what's his face basketball player with the same name as her mom. I give it 8 months. Ho.

#5. Coco

And I'm not fucking talking Chanel. This is Ice-T's fucking wifey, Coco. I'm not sure if this image really needs a caption...Babies my ass. Fucking ho.

#6. Brittany Spears

Two kids, and several nervous breakdowns later... Miss Brit-Brit is still a goddamn ho, and a crazy one at that. And that's why I crown her the queen of: The Ho's Ain't Real Housewives of America. Look at this bitch. She's fucking crazy...and a HO.

Word of the Day: TAINT

Yes, that's what this fucking column is dedicated to. TAINT. And I know what y'all are thinking: Ball Buster, that just tain't right. But before I get started, for those sissy's out there that are still wearing white, let's make sure there is ZERO question on what I'm talking about... I'll shed some light on what I mean when I say Taint:

I'm pretty sure this word has actually been around for centuries, coming from a famous saying: "it tain't the pussy and it tain't the ass.": the area between the genitals and the asshole. Right in the middle.

SO, now that I've enlightened you, I want to explain a bit about the actual importance of Taint. There really isn't a whole lot to it: you lick it or you stick it, right?

It's in the middle.

It's neither here, nor, there.

It's bad aim.

Does anyone go straight for the taint? It's a secondary thought. It's not first choice.

So, the moral of the story in life: go for the score, not for the taint.

The Downfall of J-Wunder Following His Own Advice

Ok, so if you hadn’t heard, our fearless blog writer (and fellow contributor to some) went to a Bachelor party in Arizona this past weekend. For those who haven’t heard, you’ve clearly been living under a mother fucking rock for the last 2 weeks…because that is all we have been fucking hearing about. Bachelor party this, drinking an obscene amount that… blah, blah, blah.

Well, if you didn't hear from Mr. Wunder himself over this trip, consider yourself really fucking lucky. I shit you not, this dude was a fucking shit-show off of like 5 O’Douls. I’ve never met a person who complains about dying more than this guy. He either knows how to party like a fucking rock star (mind you, I’ve partied with him) or the guy is a fucking pussy. My opinion – it’s definitely the latter.

Don’t agree with me? Fuck you. But more importantly, for all of you who aren’t looking to FAIL at the next Bachelor/Bachelorette party, please follow the 3 rules that my dear friend J decided not to follow.

Rule #1: Choose your booze wisely. There is scientific evidence that shows depending on the type of booze you’re drinking, the type of “drunk” you are. You know what I’m talking about… happy drunk, blackout drunk, angry drunk, etc. Well J did not choose wisely. Last I hear, he was drinking Corona Light. Chick’s beer? Yeah, I should know… I do advertising for the goddamn brand. No wonder you were able to drink 27 goddamn beers in a matter of 10 hours. You were drinking the closest possible thing to water. Douche doesn’t even begin to explain the level of gay you were, J. Yet SOMEHOW you still fucking blacked out. I pray to God that you were taking shots of something, or else, I'm never drinking with you again.

Rule #2: Choose your strip clubs wisely. When you see an ad for a $5 strip club, what the fuck do you expect to see? Perky breasts? Probably not. Cleanly waxed vag? Very unlikely. I hate to say it but there are just some things that you don’t want to skimp on. I’ll say it again, there are some things that are better off paying full price for. Pussy, being one of them. When you see some crusty-ass bitch spraying Windex on the pole after a bitch does her dance -- it is probably not a good sign. It is definitely not even remotely sanitary, and my advice.....you should stay at least 100 yards away. Just sayin’.

Rule #3: What happens in _________ , stay’s on J-Wunder’s Facebook page. That’s right folks – you think your bachelor party will stay just between your closest buddies? Well maybe the crazy shit – but when a blacked-out individual posts his phone number on Facebook, saying “ask me anything” – probably a bad fucking sign. Now, I’m not saying that J has a big mouth or anything, but I swear there was a fucking post every 4.5 minutes about the shenanigans at the party. But seriously, sometimes the rest of us don’t give a flying fuck that you’ve slept for 25 minutes, while in a hot tub, gripping your fucking Corona Light. I mean, while the staying up drinking thing is cool, the rest of it makes you sound like a pussy. Sorry, said it.

And if you think anything is secret at a Bachelor Party, check out this video I stumbled upon…. It’s of our dear friend J, making an ass of himself (what else is new?) back in 2004. See, the great thing about this guy is that he always has some story of when he did this or did that. And by the YouTube God's that be, he definitely was doing this - BEING A DANCING MACHINE. My apologies in advance Mr. Wunder if I might have embarrassed you for showing this vid (took fucking forever to find) from your good 'ol partying days in Mexico (you thought I forgot about this story you told when we first met huh, asshole? ooops). I do have to say you look 19 years old and actually cute. What happened fucker? To your credit though, anyone that can do the worm, running man and milkshake while commanding the stage like you did, is alright in my book.



I hope you all follow the rules of what NOT to do for your next bachelor/bachelorette party. However, if you're like J and just don't give a fuck, then by all means, party like you're about to die, tell all your friends about it...and enjoy those bitch ass Corona Lights. I wonder how long it will take J to respond? I say 5 hours from reading this post. You're welcome.

P.S. This fucker might kill me. Love ya, J! Asshole.

Where's your sidekick? Eat me, fucker.

Here I am minding my own fucking business, drinking my nightly bottle of wine (don't judge mother fuckers), and I see a post by J-fucking-Wunder. This fucking asshole has the audacity to ask me where in the fuck I've been and if I want him dead or some shit.

Are you fucking kidding me, cock licker? Do you know how much of a fucking little bitch you sound like? Is your fucking vagina bleeding out? The begging is seriously unbecoming. The only thing less attractive than a grown-ass man begging, is a cockless grown-ass man.

You say that you miss it when I make you look like a vagina? Pretty sure you've nailed that one on your own, twat. Seriously capitan chode-face, stop acting like a hatchet wound. Pretty sure your cock has reverted back to the size of a 4-year-old boy, because you're acting like such a little bitch. And don't try telling me that "it's not the size of the boat" bullshit, because you can't get to China very quickly in a fucking dingy.

You want to know where I've been? Maybe I've been fucking busy? Maybe I have a real job? Maybe I've started my own blog, where I'm going to make millions and not buy you even a fucking drink.

In all honesty, part of the reason is because you released my picture on the fucking blog. We had one agreement when I starting writing for the blog: don't show my fucking picture. And then you go and post this shit:

Yeah, this fucking shit caused such a fucking ruckus on Facebook that I thought it would end in bloodshed. Pretty sure, that bitch cried herself to sleep every night for a week. All because there was an argument about whether looks or personality wins. Obviously 99.5% of people who say personality are fugly. Case and point with Facebook bitch.

And then you call me a Cunt 50 times. Is 50 your magic number? Do you really think that shit offends me? I mean, I think the only person who uses the word CUNT more than I do, is you. But you want to see me be a Cunt? I Googled your name and check out the shit that came up. WOW.

You miss the abuse? Bring it, fucker. Bring it.

XOXO,

Ball Buster

Today Can Eat A Dick!

Fuck this fucking rain. I need a fucking Ark.

Fuck 7am client calls.

Fuck my stupid client who wants to fight with me because she hates her fucking life. Fucking cunt.

Fuck that bitch that with the umbrella who thinks she's the only mother fucker walking on the goddamn sidewalk. Lets see who likes to walk in front of buses.

Fuck the fucking prick on the bus that decides to shake his rain jacket on me. I hope that mother fucker gets struck by goddamn lightening.

I hope every fucking person in San Francisco gets washed away by the rain and leaves me the fuck alone.

Fuck 3-4 letter responses. What kind of fucking response is LOL when I need more than that. Fucking ass fuck.

Fuck the bitch on my conference call that doesn't speak fucking English. I can't fucking u-nnnd---er-ssttta--and you!

Fuck people in a jolly ass mood today. Is the sun out mother fuckers? That makes me want to fucking kill someone.

To the mother fucker that decided to heat up their goddamn fish in the microwave for lunch. Guess what? The goddamn office smells like rotten pussy. Thanks for making my walk to the kitchen feel like I'm at a goddamn whorehouse full of rejected prostitutes. Asshole.

Fuck the fact that my body has learned to become fully functional without food or sleep. What the fuck is next...death? Fuck.

At this point, I need to drink something so fucking strong that I blackout for, I don't know, 2 fucking months.

I sound angry but what the fuck? Fuck today. Fuck tomorrow. Where's the fucking weekend.

This is some bullshit. Fucking fuck.

If She Never Writes Again, I'll Understand

It happened folks. I got called out. By none other than the bitch herself, "Ball Buster". I want the world to know, that it was never my intention, I just forgot. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll tell you. Last week, I posted a column, "Fan Mail" - http://thejwunderfullife.blogspot.com/2011/03/fan-mail.html

Basically, a fan who is an avid follower of the blog, asked if I wrote all this shit on my own. Me being the selfish asshole that I am said, "If there is one thing that is 100% FACT, it's that, this blog is the real me talking..." Anyway, Ball Buster read this and well, posted a little something of her own in the comments section of the column. It read:

J,

Are you fucking kidding me? Michelle asks you if you write all this shit by yourself... and you answer "yes." Really mother fucker? Really?

This is the thanks and appreciation I get for writing columns for the last 4 months?

I mean, 90% of shit comes from you, yes. And you really are a silly fuck, J. But come on.. tell the girls the truth.

Sincerely,
The one who calls out J-Wunder
(aka Ball Buster)

Make no mistake about it. 90% of the shit I write, is all me. However, 10% of the funny ass shit does come from that "other half". This being "Ball Buster". You're all probably asking, "Well, what about THE Mexican? She writes shit too, doesn't she?" Not so fast people. Let her earn her goddamn stripes before we start claiming shit. It's bad enough I got called the fuck out by someone I consider funnier than me at times. If we want to start pointing fingers, you can start by pointing them right up your fucking ass while removing them and giving yourselves a "Dirty Sanchez". We good?

Anyway, I wanted to let the world know that I fucked up and I was wrong. This blog isn't all me. I mean, 10% of it isn't. But without that 10% contribution, The J-Wunderful Life wouldn't be where it's at today. So Ball Buster, I hope you accept my apology, even though you were a big enough cunt to call me out in front of my readers. I can't knock you for that. All I can do is embrace you with open arms and a round of shots. In the future, I'll make sure I give credit where credit is due. In this case, your 10% contribution to the blog that never really had shit going for it in the first place.

Thanks for calling me out. Thanks for being a fucking bitch as well. It's people like you that I can appreciate every fucking day for the simple fact that life never gets boring with you around. I think I've called you a cunt more than I have called Sammi from the Jersey Shore one, but when I call you cunt, it's more with a happy tone. A tone that says, "You're such a bitch but I fucking like your style. Cunt." So again, thank you for being part of this shitty blog and providing hilarious columns that make our readers day!

Oh, and if you never write again, I'll understand. Cunt.