All Aboard The STALKER EXPRESS!!!!

Last week/weekend probably went down as one of the most epic 4-5 days I've ever experienced. It involved more booze consumed to kill an entire farm, little or no sleep one would think I was the second coming of Charlie Sheen and shenanigans so ridiculous that the first night I get to NYC, I actually almost got arrested.

And as much as I want to talk about the details of these events, I'm gonna hold off because if there was one thing that stood out more than all of that, it was one person. One fan. One monkey mouth bitch who thought she was probably the Ghetto Genius' First Lady.

Now, before I go off on what I'm about to say, I just want every person reading this to know, I LOVE MY FANS AND SUPPORTERS. However, there is a fine line when it comes to being a fan and a crazy fucking bitch. I'm not that guy who would ever put any of his fans on blast, but today, it's gonna happen.

Have a seat, relax and enjoy a story about the crazy bitch who thought she was bout it, bout it.

Saturday night. Toshi's Living Room. Flatiron District.

It was going to be a night that I knew I wasn't going to remember. Before I left my hotel that night, I told my buddies and my publicist, "Pray for no crazy motherfuckers. That's the last thing we need to ruin this fucking night." Those words about cursed me from the moment I arrived at the venue.

I arrive, set my shit down, grab a drink and right out the gate two awesome fans from Connecticut cruise up to me. "Hey J, love your book and blog! Can I get your autograph and a picture?" This is what I'm talking about. Getting love from fans already...and this shit just started. I sign her book and start to strike up convo because I'm the guy who wants to get to know his fans, even if it's for 5 fucking minutes. We start chatting and that's when I see it.

Her. Diagonal from me. Halfway lying across this couch as if the bitch was trying to model some fucked up smelling perfume or something. Trying to look all sexy. Slowly stirring her drink with her straw. Staring at me. And not like staring at me with sexy ass eyes but with eyes that said, "I will eat your fucking dick and wear your skin, motherfucker." Real talk.

I notice this obnoxious display and do my best to not make any eye contact. WHATSOEVER.

Roughly 10 minutes go by and for every minute that passed before my eyes, I started to notice this broads stare got more and more fucking crazy. Almost to the point that this chick was gonna say, "fuck it," pull out some chloroform, suffocate me with it, kidnap me, kill me, fuck my dead body, eat my ass and ball sack then throw me down the river at 5am. This is all truth people.

Knowing I couldn't avoid this girl, I finally approach her and do my job as a blogger/author and show some love. I  mean, they came here for me, right? Now, I'm not going to bore you guys to death so I'll give you fuckers a run down of what this bitch actually did/said/acted. Mind you, I'm not the only one who noticed this girl who thought this was her fucking party.

1) Acted as if SHE wrote the book. Literally. Hey, I get that you're a fan and you "keep it real". But is it really necessary to act like an angry motherfucker and think we're about to get in a brawl? If there was one person who tried way too fucking hard, it was this bitch. I was almost convinced she was gonna stop in mid-sentence and start barking like DMX and start breaking shit.

2) Mean mugging other female fans I was talking to AND talking shit about them. I mean, really? You didn't get your 15 minutes of attention so you have to go and mad dog every single broad I was talking to and talk shit? Last I checked, no one knows you and you don't know them. Did I miss something and not realize we were remaking a scene from American Me? You know who does shit like this? Insecure bitches. FACT.

3) Wanted not one, but TWO books signed. Front AND back covers. Someone did not get hugged much as a kid.

4) Interrupted and butted in on probably every conversation that didn't involve her.

5) Repeated all fucking night, "I did not come all this way for you guys not to hang out with me? You better not leave me!!!"

Let's back up the fucking truck here...I have done a few bar/book signings, drank with fans, had long conversations with them and never...I mean NEVER have I had a fan tell me and my homies what the fuck we should do and why we need to involve them. First off, no one forced you to come and second, you aren't a part of my crew. Now, I don't want that statement to offend anybody but when you try and make yourself at home when we don't even know who the fuck YOU are...you can go fuck yourself because when you act crazy, ain't nobody trying to deal with your psycho ass. But I digress...

6) Doodled J-Wunder and Ghetto Genius on the bar top at the Hog Pit...the bar we ended up moving the party to after Toshi's. Over and over and over again...

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT FUCKING SHIT?!

7) Made other fans and friends so uncomfortable that I probably got "Hey bro...watch out for that bitch...she is fucking crazy. Seriously. That bitch is going to kill the next person who talks to you." a thousand times. NO FUCKING JOKE.

People, I could go on for days, but I think y'all get the picture.

It wasn't until 11pm or so that I looked around and all my homies and fans bounced...except her. Not because they were bored, but because this bitch drove them away. All on her own. Look, I have some cool friends and supporters...ones that can handle shit and not think twice about. But if you have to leave because one bitch is acting TOO CRAZY, what does that tell you?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

So there I am, at the bar when I realized earlier in the night I took a bite of a tootsie roll that was made with weed. So not only am I high as shit and wasted, but I'm at this fucking bar with some old guy who knows all about this broad who has lost her goddamn mind AND the actual fucking broad. What is a guy to do? Simple.

I order a drink and a shot and sat there contemplating if this was the night I was going to be murdered and be seen on 48 Hours Murder Mystery next week. Out of sorts, I come to, leave my drinks, fake a phone call, slowly walk outside as if I need someplace quiet, take 12 steps to the left and do what any normal individual would do in a situation where you are left alone with a stalker...

I FUCKING RAN.

Actually...

I SPRINTED. I SPRINTED SO FUCKING FAST THAT USAIN BOLT DID NOT HAVE SHIT ON ME THAT NIGHT.

I was running so fucking fast that I was hurdling bums, fire hydrants and shit. It was mesmerizing...especially high off a goddamn tootsie roll.

When I finally got a few blocks down from the bar, I saw my homegirl and the only thing she could say was, "J, you my friend are a wreck. Aren't you glad you signed up for all this fame and shit?!" To which I respond, "Fuck...did I? Story of my life, I guess. I need to grab a fucking pizza. C'mon, I'll walk your ass home, then I'm gonna party...even if it's by myself."

Walk her home, I did. Pizza I got. And partying is what went down...til 7:30am from a fan and his buddy from Philly.

If there is anything I learned from this, is that I need to bring security next time. Even if it's my own fucking mom.

Oh, and to the fan that knows I'm talking about her...you may be mad. You may talk all the shit and try to put me on blast...that's totally fine. The reality is, this is the first story that I didn't even have to try and be over the top because you did that for me. For that, I thank you!

Advice Column: Dating For The Wrong Cause

JW,

So I am in need of some advice, some real true raw advice. I thought who better to ask than J-Wunder and the crew?  So my dilemma is that I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We have a pretty good relationship except for one major issue..he doesn't trust me. He actually doesn't trust anyone for the most part but he doesn't trust me. Now given my history with relationships I can see why he doesn't trust me but I have changed and matured and i wanna spend the rest of my life with this guy. Now I know you're probably laughing at me for saying that but its true. Now I met him when I was with someone else and that relationship was just a complete shit show and that's where most of the trust issues come from, he knows that I was in a relationship when we met and thinks Ill meet someone else and leave him for them. He has gone through my phone and Facebook while I was either asleep or away from my phone or computer and he breathes down my neck when I am on my phone. He questions me about everyone and everything I come into contact with. Its like hes playing detective. If I go and visit some friends he texts me every 5 minutes and that's no joke and if I don't answer he starts to message me on Facebook every 5 minutes. Its getting a little insane. Besides male family members I have one guy friend in my phone that he allows and as for other guys, I cant have their numbers and they cant have mine. not allowed to have guy friends on Facebook that I may have hooked up with in the past or anything like that. He has made me delete guys because they might try to talk to me because they are good looking and they are my type. I have never gone through his phone and I have never asked to go through his phone or Facebook for that matter. I just need some advice on how to get him to trust me or just what to do. I am completely out of ideas. Like I said i love this guy but I am getting tired of the assumptions and accusations and the breathing down my neck. please help!

Sincerely,
Trust Issues


Dear Trust Issues,

I've written tons of columns on relationships and motherfuckers with complete trust issues. Today though, I want to set your ass straight because you're a confused ass broad that needs to see the fucking light. You realize that your man...the guy who doesn't trust you...was peeping game at your ass while you were with another guy, right? He wins a cOckSCAR for Best Actor, wins you over and now he thinks you're some floozy ass bitch he can't trust. This is YOUR MAN. The guy who helped you do your ex-boyfriend dirty. Even if that past relationship WAS a shit show. Same motherfucker you want to spend the rest of your life with, huh? Hmmmm...

Let me be frank. There are two sides to every story, so lucky for you, I am going to base this column from what the fuck I just read.

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A TOTAL SLAP DICK AND YOU'RE AS BLIND AS STEVIE WONDER WITH A BLIND FOLD ON.

There are obvious answers to your question we ALL fucking know. However, I'm here to shed light on everything since I don't give a fuck AND am not afraid to tell it like it is. That's why you're here and that's why you need to fucking listen to what I'm about to say.

If you were to ask 1 million people, "Why would you want to be in a relationship?" You would more than likely hear 1 of these 5 answers:

1) I want to find love.
2) I want to be happy.
3) I want to find my soul mate.
4) I want to finally settle down.
5) I'm over the dating scene/drama and just want to be with that one person who I can spend the rest of my life with.

All 5 of these answers probably all mean the same fucking thing. But what you need to realize is no matter how many ways you try to slice it, these are common answers that you'll probably get from a majority of society.

Kudos to you for being with this dick fuck for over a year. And kudos for you maturing the fuck up and making sure you're not that cunt of a girl to do your man wrong. Even though when you were talking to him, you were with someone else. Hey, shit happens and sometimes that's just how things end up...as shitty as it may be.

This is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. The only problem is, he's an uptight motherfucker who doesn't trust you or anyone else within titty touching distance, am I right? You can't walk, talk, sleep or take a fucking shit without this fool breathing down your goddamn neck every second of the day. BUT you still want to be with this guy.

BITCH, ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!

WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!

NO REAL FUCKING WOMAN WHO WANTS TO BE WITH A MAN HAS TIME FOR THIS KIND OF BULLSHIT.

One year and you had the patience or whatever the fuck you call it, to put up with this dude's high school fuckery.

And you're actually asking me how can you get your man to trust you? Sweet Tits, that ship has motherfucking sailed all the way to fucking Guam and beyond. If you have not done anything wrong during the time of your relationship and this dude has been acting a fool, what the fuck makes you think that he's gonna change? You done went from one shit show to another. I don't know how fucked up your last relationship was, but I'll tell your ass right fucking now, this current relationship you're in is some Fatal Attraction "I will kill you in your sleep if you ever talk to another man" kind of shit.

Do you realize what the fuck you wrote me? Look up there again and read that shit out loud ^^^!!!!

What the fuck is wrong with people who date controlling, insecure, worthless pieces of shits these days? Y'all motherfuckers dating blind or some shit?! Is the dick/pussy that fucking good to be that miserable? This cat has a better hold of you than the FBI does on the Italian mob. I'm being dead fucking serious too when I say that.

Any woman or man who let's the opposite sex control their fucking life needs to go ram their fucking head into a brick fucking wall. It's you people who give some men and women a bad fucking name. How do you love someone who makes you delete people on your Facebook page, phone, etc.? Better yet, HOW THE FUCK do you love someone that doesn't trust you?! Someone, please give me a great fucking answer because I'm really dying to know how the living fuck that is humanly possible.

Misery loves company.

If you think for a goddamn inkling of a second that what you have is anywhere near a "good", "so-so" or even "healthy" relationship, please go drown yourself in the fucking toilet at work or college library bathroom. Stop being the dumb blind bitch who is possessed by "love" because Dearest Camel Toe, if that is in fact the case, I hope you become miserable for the rest of your life.

I don't give a shit what this dude has done to make you feel special. No motherfucker that pulls the shit he's doing thinks you're special. What you are is a trifling ass bitch that he will NEVER trust. You can't change any man/woman who has major trust issues (all y'all who are about to comment about this, don't because ain't no one trying to listen to your untrusting ass). I don't give a shit if this fool wasn't hugged enough as a kid or is angry because he's only received two blow jobs in his life. You put yourself in a fucked up situation with a guy who was jocking you while you were with another fucking dude. Say what you want, if he has issues over that shit, tell that motherfucker he shouldn't have spit game if his ass was gonna end up and be jealous.

Love is an amazing fucking thing when it's two of the right people actually doing some real life lovey-dovey shit. What you have isn't love. Hell, it isn't even called serious dating. It is called:

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO COCK SMOKING MOTHERFUCKERS TOGETHER?!

I can't help you until you help yourself and leave this fool. Love?! Bitch please. Wake the fuck up and go be with a man who is gonna respect you and not throw the past in your face. Sure we all fuck up and do some messed up things, however, if you don't give a man/woman a reason to be jealous, then they need to stand the fuck down and check themselves real fucking quick.

I may not know much, but what I do know is that if some bitch tried pulling this shit that's being pulled on you, I'd peace the fuck out...but not before taking all the good shit from their house. Because you know...that's what love is all fucking about.

There are plenty of dicks in the sea. Time to go fishing.

J-Wunder 

What To Tell Your Wife When...

So you've struck up an extra-marital, sexual relationship with a coworker. Congratulations! Unfortunately, initiating the office sex to compensate for whatever disappointment you're feeling over how your life turned out was the easy part. It's time for the coworker you're sleeping with to start calling your house at all hours, and your wife's going to want some answers. Here's how to explain every type of call she might intercept from the coworker you're cheating on her with.

If the coworker you're cheating on your wife with calls during dinner and hangs up:

"Must be one of those telemarketers calling from another time-zone, not realizing they're interrupting dinner, then when she suddenly remembers she feels bad and hangs up just as you're answering."


If she calls in the middle of the night and says she's parked outside your house and you have to come out and talk to her or she'll come to your door and tell your wife everything:

"That was a new Amber Alert service that calls you and plays a recording that describes the make and model of the car that the suspected kidnapper is driving. I think I see a car that looks like the car they described parked outside. I'm going to go check it out, and if there's someone in the car I'm going to get in and talk to them to find out what they're doing here."


If she calls and screams "Just let him go! He's mine! He doesn't love you anymore! This is Janet, your husband's coworker at Pendleton Technologies Inc, and we've been sleeping together for months because he doesn't love you anymore! Can't you see that? He doesn't love you anymore! HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!"

"Sounds like a crank call to me. Must've Googled that stuff about where I work and who my coworkers are, and they probably can find out with a quick search how long we've been married to see if we might be at the point when the spark goes out for most couples, just to make the premise of the call more believable. Heh. Kids. "


If she calls and just sobs into the phone, no matter how many times your wife demands to know who is calling, the coworker you're cheating on her with just won't stop crying:

"Must be a phone ghost. I read about that. Ghosts that are trying to pass over to the next world get trapped in the phone lines and all they can do is call people and sob about all the things they regret not doing when they were alive, all the things they never got around to saying to the people they loved. Yeah, sounds like a phone ghost."


If she calls and just breathes into the phone, listening to your wife ask "Is anyone there?" over and over again. All she does is breathe:

"Phone ghost again. Really just changes everything you assumed about death and the existence of the soul, right honey? I mean, how can we go on denying that there's more to us than just our physical being when these phone ghosts keep calling us all the time. Wanna pray?"


If she calls and tells your wife to meet her that night at a diner so she can show her photos of you and her having sex:

"Um, sure honey, go meet the phone ghost. Are you crazy?! It's just trying to feed you a story you can't resist to get you to join it at the portal to purgatory, which must be at that diner, so it can pull you over to the other side in exchange for getting its corporeal body back. That's the only way phone ghosts can return to the living world. They have to steal someone from the living to take their places. I'm sorry, but I love you, and I don't want to lose you yet. So I forbid you to meet the phone ghost."


If she sneakily dials your wife on her cell phone with her free hand while you're having sex with her on the copier, allowing your wife to hear what is clearly your voice shouting ecstatically during an extra-marital office orgasm:

"Honey, I never wanted you to find out about this. I wanted to protect you. I was only thinking about you, is why I kept this from you. I was worried about you, so I invited the phone ghost to possess my body. Turns out, the phone ghost had something it needed to resolve before it would be allowed to pass on to the afterlife, and resolving that thing required that it have sex with my coworker Janet, using my body. I must have butt-dialed you during. You have to believe me that I was just so worried that the phone ghost was going to lure you to meet it with one of its stories. That's why I agreed to the possession. So you know, I don't feel anything when the phone ghost has sex through me, so it doesn't count as cheating when my body has sex with Janet. It says it has to have sex with Janet only a bunch more times before it can pass on.

Either that or it was another crank call. Heh. Kids, right?"

via - Happy Place

Stalked