A Police Report Worth The Write-Up

You Never Cease To Amaze Me, Florida...

Now That's What You Call WASTED!!!

Racial Profiling

ASSisted Suicide

A news story broke out that a man died after he ate an ounce of cocaine from his brothers ass. I'm not sure what's worse, that he ate an ounce of cocaine and thought he was going to live, or that even though it had been nestled snug near his brother's taint, he still thought, "What the heck, let's eat this shit (literally) and see what happens."

I am breaking this down in the hopes I can understand this better because right now all these shenanigans are causing my thoughtsicles to go into overdrive. Let's begin with the fact that this crazy mother fucker swallowed AN OUNCE (28 grams for those of you unfamiliar with what a fucking ounce is) of cocaine. Even in my heyday I could not fathom an ounce of anything going into my body - especially not at once.

So this guy swallows an ounce of Colombian Magic Dust at his brother's behest because his brother has been keistering the bag o' blow and his doo doo hole is not OK with that anymore. I am no proctologist, but I do know that an ounce of anything near, on or around your doo doo hole is not going to be the most comfortable of scenarios - especially when the Po Po is all around you and you are sweating like a fat person at a buffet. I have a strict do not enter sign on my no-no area (my ass) so I am sure if I was butt smuggling something, I would be looking at my younger sibling to gobble that junk up so I wouldn't have to clench my ass cheeks together to keep The Precious safe.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. How do you ask your younger brother to swallow something that you have been letting your dookie sweat get all over, whilst you hold it tight in your butt? I am a little sibling, and for a long time I thought there was nothing in the world I wouldn't do for my big brothers. Until now. I am glad that I now can go to them and say, "Sure I will buy your underage girlfriend/fiancee/wife some Beringer White Zin (true mother fucking story) but no, I will not swallow an ounce of your butt drugs." It's refreshing to know I can show them some clear boundaries.

While this is a sad story it does make a strong case for evolution and natural selection. I mean, if you are dumb enough to do certain things, you must be prepared for the consequences. Even if they are death by ASSisted Suicide (I couldn't help myself with that one) I am just glad this fuckery didn't take place in Florida. We have enough of a bad rap for dumb ass shit. Pun Intended.

Check out the story here - Channel 3000

Four Loko User of the Day

Ian Cross: I got drunk on beer and whiskey. When we went on a booze run we decided we need energy. We decided on Four Loko. One of those bad boys sent me into a downward spiral. First, I fought a door. Then I got into an arguement with my roomate about nothing. I gathered up all of my hygiene gear, a Hajii rag, an 8 intch knife, and a bottle of mustard. After throwing all of my hygiene gear into the river, I wrapped the Hajii rag around my head like a terrorist. I found a tree that i didnt like, sprayed it with mustard, and proceeded to knife fight it for about 10 minutes. I disapeared. I found out later that multiple cop cars were on the look out for me for about an hour. I forgot why i was mad at my roomate and started back. thats when I was arrested. Damn fuzz finally got me. My roomate magically showed up and started yelling things like,"TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!! IT LOOKS BETTER ON COPS!!" I didn't have the knife on me anymore so they had to let me go. Colonel Mustard, in the quad, with the knife. Game over.