Texts Messages of the Day

(925): if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

(615): If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

(937): She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

(903): this is like a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

(540): Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.

(404): She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts

(903): One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

(614): Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???

Spoke Too Soon

Text Message of the Day

(205): Get over here.  It's an emergency.  I just realized I haven't had my mouth on a penis in over 2 weeks.  Get over here. 

Texts Messages of the Day

(+86):  Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

(971):  I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

(814):  No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.

(215):  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

(714):  Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days. 
  
(305): I want to do you till i can't cum anymore. Till all I get is a little flag that says "bang".

Text Messages of the Day

(847): So i told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

(864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

(604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hanger.  
in response:
(303): just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick