Advice Column: Rules Of The Game

J-Wun,

I love you boo! You have done a great job making my day through raw humor and honesty in the world and mind of a ghetto genius. I am having a serious problem just got out of a 6 year relationship that started when I was just a teen. I never wanted to just have random one night stands but damn life gets fuckin lonely when your used to being in a relationship. 6 months single and so many guys trying to get at me for some reason I just deny them....All of them. Noooo i'm not a freak go pay that bitch on the corner to suck your dick. In reality I'm a closet freak but nobody has respectfully tried to get at me. Like atleast give me something to get hot over before you open your mouth and turn me off!   Now I'm frustrated and tempted to just fuck the next motherfucker I see! Watch out old man checking the mail you might get lucky today!! So what can a bitch really expect maybe I should just have no strings attached sex, or casually date these motherfuckers who are blowing my phone up to get a chance to fuck me. Fuck all these labels I just always thought it was wrong to talk to more than one person at a time. Now through my experience it helps to just collect dudes like fucking business cards when your such a BOSS bitch! because by process of elimination the last man standing gets the golden ticket! lol jk Seriously when one lets you down or decides to cancel plans I always have a backup plan, someone to take me shopping or to get me drunk and pay the tab before I lie and say the babysitter just called and I have to rush home ;) So talking to multiple guys at once is starting to be ok with me because I am benefiting and just straight up playing them....but the sex and is still totally sacred and sucking dick even more so. If you want me to suck your dick you better put a ring on my finger motherfucker! I ain't doing all that. I don't wanna give it up to anyone but I miss the kissing and cuddling ect. all that mooshy shit bitches like in life ya know!

What is a bitch to do!?? Not going back to my ex to stir that pot the sex sucks its just familiar and I don't want to be a "hoe" real talk I'm fuckin wifey material but I am not trying to rush into anything. I want real love but I guess I am willing to settle for good sex....does that make sense?? At 24 I still have a lot of fucking to do and nuts to bust! Since I always make my guy bust like I SWEAR...they are lucky to make it to 2 minutes....I don't even get a chance to get mine. Still looking for the right guy to take me on the pound town express to my first "BIG O" This is a serious dilemma. I already have kids don't want more. Already know my pussy is the fucking BOMB ;) but you have to try it to even see if his sex game is even good...I don't know anymore. I just know that it seems like from your tall tales you been around and have a lot of experience with bitches and fucking. I want to be single but I want to fuck...just one person; do I just make the booty call? It sounds so wrong. I guess I shall eventually make my own rules...some guidelines from you would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Confused single mom looking for the "rules of the game"



Dear CSMLFT "ROTG",

Miss, what you wrote made no goddamn sense. AT ALL. You got out of a six year relationship and you're 24. So that means, you were 18 when you started this journey. But in turn, you say, "your pussy is the BOMB"? Hahahahaha. Bitch please. Says who? Your boyfriend who is either A) Two-minute brotha or B) Busts a nut so fast because you're that fucking horrible? Nothing wrong with having confidence. But the fact is, you're fucking delusional. "Pussy is bomb?"...get the fuck outta here. What is this...amateur hour at the Fuck Factory?

I want you to listen and listen really fucking good. What I'm about to school you on is important and whatever you choose to do with this advice, is up to you. It's real. It's honest. And it's either going to get you where you want to go or leave you confused as a motherfucker. I'm thinking probably both so let's do this shit, shall we?

FACT: PRACTICE makes PERFECT.

FACT: Sex is NOT like riding a bike. 

FACT: You have to TEST DRIVE the car before you buy it.

FACT: Your pussy is NOT the BOMB.

Like I've mentioned in a lot of my columns, there are rules in life. Rules that you either follow, live by or make up on your own. For me, I choose to make up my own rules and so far, I haven't done so bad. This is why I want you to listen and do as I say because in the end, you're gonna be that awesome bitch you've always wanted to be.

First off, I commend you on not settling for just any piece of dick. For someone who wants cock but is way too fucking picky, you need to realize what you're doing is good AND bad. Good because you don't have the mentality of a whore who will just fuck anything. Bad because you don't have the mentality of a whore who won't just fuck anything. Now that's been established, let that shit soak in for 22-27 seconds.

The reality of it is Tits-a-rella, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't just decide one day that as much as you want dick, you're gonna be a prude, play guys for free drinks, shopping sprees, etc. and expect to get what you want. You do realize that in order to get what you want, 85% of the time, guys are gonna expect a favor in return? This being one of two things, if not both:

1) Blowjob

2) Sex

Neither of which you are giving up too easily. What am I saying? You ain't giving up shit. And that's okay, Virgin Diaries. Just know that if you keep doing that, men will eventually catch on and tell you to go kick rocks. Men have agenda's and if you don't fulfill that agenda by either fucking them good or giving them a blowy while they brush your long beautiful hair on your mom's plastic covered couch, you will forever be alone. Men sense when a woman is on the prowl, however, if your definition of a good time and "playing the field" consist of long philosophical talks about the goddamn moon and conversations about your 10 cats, consider this a complete fucking fail. Hey, it's great that you're the "married type" and that you like to kiss and cuddle. Guess what? Men like that too...but that doesn't happen unless you're fucking them til you're blue in the face and sucking their cock til they see their souls do laps around the room. Real talk.

You signed yourself up for something that is 64% impossible and plain idiotic. You're the first broad I've heard say she wants to fuck so bad that she doesn't want a one night stand, will only suck cock if the guy is"marriage material", and other bullshit I choose not to call-out because I am two seconds away from stabbing myself in the fucking eyes with a rusty butter knife because you are making no goddamn sense and are frustrating the hell out of me.

What you want, Mother Theresa, is not random sex. You want another relationship. So don't sit there, shaking your head and lie to yourself because what you basically said without saying was, "I love dick. But the only way I'm giving it up is if he's my boyfriend, turned husband." Yeah bitch, you just said that so don't pout and call me an asshole for speaking the truth. You're not built to play the game. The only game you're built for is Twister, being a complete dick-tease-prude and the next reality star on Bride-fucking-zilla. I don't care how many numbers you get and how many guys you con into doing whatever the fuck you want without giving up the goods. Congrats on meeting stupid motherfuckers who I could pick out within .6 seconds. That's nothing to write home about, flapjack. Guys that actually fall for that shit, probably haven't been with a woman, let alone something breathing, in decades.

FACT: You want attention. You want company. You will only give up the key to your basement if the guy is a "good guy."

FACT: Dudes who are "just looking to fuck" aren't good guys until they decide they want to be.

You say you want to "just fuck" but in reality, you don't. You want a relationship and I can't help you see any other light other than telling you that I can't help you play the field you don't even want to set foot on. Is any of this shit making sense?

I know you're itching to ride the Pound Town Express but why don't you be fucking real with yourself and admit that the next person riding that train is gonna be the guy you plan to introduce to your goddamn parents. You don't have an ounce of slut, whore or freak in you. And please, don't give me a diatribe of bullshit on how "I don't know you and you really are a freak in the bed and your pussy would make me speechless." You've probably fucked 2 people and honestly, that's something you need to recognize. Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm just saying, EXPERIENCE WILL GET YOU WHERE YOU WANT AND NEED TO BE. So you tell me where you stand with all of this, Miss Bomb Ass Punani?

In my 33 years of being on this lovely planet, I've had my fair share of nailing chicks while having a blast doing it. Not once was I ever picky like you. Why? Because I knew if I wanted something bad enough (like pussy), beggers can't be choosers. You my dear, are a fucking chooser. One that will more than likely end up with a guy who fits YOUR standards. Going out to "just fuck" has no standards. Real fucking talk. So go find a boyfriend because if you don't, you will find yourself having many play dates with a bottle of wine, 50 Shades of Grey, and a 20 pound dildo you named "Meat."

Happy Hunting,

J-Wunderful

Advice Column: The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Haaaay! So I have some married people problems that I thought you (in all your infinite wisdom) might have an answer for. Here's the deal: my husband and I have been together for 8 years, since I was 23, been married for 5. We have 2 kids together. I was thick when we met, say about a size 12. I got a little bigger with each kid and ended up being about a size 16. I was pretty damn fat since I'm only 5'3 and was about a buck eighty. Around October of last year I got tired of being chubby and decided to get off my ass and fix it. I started eating right, hitting the gym, and got my shit together. Today, I'm a size 6 and about 130. Not to sound conceited, but I look damn good.  Here's the problem....my husband wants nothing to do with me now. He's not a chubby chaser, everyone he was with before me was small. He used to be all over me like curry stink on Indians when I was bigger. I used to turn him down a lot for sex, just cuz I felt shitty about myself, and I don't know if he gave up or what. To make matters worse, I am now getting a lot of attention from other guys. I love my husband and don't want to cheat, but I've done all this to be more attractive for him and he's basically ignoring it. So where the Hell did I go wrong? Do I go back to cramming Ho-Ho's down my gullet to save my marriage? 

  Help!

Dear Help,

You had me at "all over you like curry stink on Indian." Allegedly hot and funny? If your husband won't hit it, call H-Bomb and I will lick you like an Indian at a curry buffet. Real Talk. 

Seriously though, damn girl! First, I have to give you the super dope mad props, because you did something that so many of us struggle to do daily. Do work, girl! Before anyone thinks I am going to get all Oprah and shit and we are going to hug, cry and sync menstrual cycles, simmer the fuck down, I am still going to break it down, but I had first had to give homegirl her hi-fives. Also, Help, if you are looking so fly now, where the fuck are the pics??? Selfish bitch. Ok, I keed, I keed. But... if you are inclined to send some sexy photos and your face doesn't look like it went through a meat grinder, send them. We will judge you and tell you how hot you look.

Now, on to this man of yours. I must type these columns into a tin can, attached to a string, and the only person getting what I have to say is a 6 year old, in a tree fort, in Nebraska. I have said it numerous times, but I will say it again, MEN ARE SIMPLE CREATURES. No, I am not calling men stupid, not by any stretch. I have openly admitted that there are men in this world that may be smarter than me - not to their face mind you, that is just buffoonery -  so don't get it twisted. I know that there are brilliant women in the world AND there are also brilliant men. But, when we are talking about the basic functions of the male brain, men don't over think most things as much as women. 

When I say men are simple I am referring to their basic sense of aesthetics. Most men don't give a shit what the present is wrapped in, they just want to play with what is inside box, pretty wrapping be damned. You following the bouncing ball? I am sure you look fan-fucking-tastic, but to your husband you are the same girl he fell in love with 8 years ago and regardless of your size, he is probably always going to love you for what is on the inside. Oh, and for once, I am not talking about your vagina. Color me surprised, this shit got all emo quickly on me, too. 

The other thing you need to take into account is that your husband may be jealous of you. I know that sounds super fucking emo, but it is a very real possibility. Not jealous of you in that you lost all the weight, but jealous of the attention that you are getting because you lost the weight. Before, he was probably one of the only people who told you, you were beautiful (or one of the only people you listened to when they said it), so he got used to you needing his praise and compliments to feel validated. Now, all of a sudden, you are getting from every angle (figuratively, not literally, hence why you are here) and he sees it, but you are not getting it from the one person who's attention you crave the most. He is probably feeling all kinds of insecure, because he thinks you don't need his attention anymore, when his is the only attention you truly want. I know I said men are simple, but they are also sensitive.

Remember how you said you used to reject him when you were bigger? He probably didn't know that the reason you were rejecting him was because of YOU, not because of him. So, for all those times you rejected him, his simple little brain didn't factor that you were not rejecting him because you were not attracted to him, but because you felt like, "why should he be attracted to me." Men often can't' grasp the fact that not every thing is about them. Now here you are, all skinny and ready to fuck him like the porn star that you feel like, and he wants nothing to do with you. Ever heard of cruel irony? Look that shit up, m'dear, because you are living it.

Fuck, I said I wasn't going to go all emo and look what the fuck I just did. But, you brought up some real shit, so I had to get really real with you. At the end of the day what you need to do is mentally masturbate the fuck out your husband. Remember all those times that you thought you looked like a bag of smashed assholes and he told you you were pretty? It's payback time, sweet cheeks. You need to crawl into that cavernous, black hole that is your husband's brain, past the NFL preseason shit, the Maxim top 100 list and the time he scored 4 touchdowns for Polk High in the district championships. You have to get inside his brain, find his little sensitivity button and push it. You have to tell him that he is beautiful, smart and sexy and that you are incredibly attracted to him. You have to reassure him that even though you lost all the weight and while you are 36-24-36 and 5'3", that you are not leaving his ass for Sir Mix-A-Lot. I know, that sounds super emo and you are probably trying to stick your finger down your throat to barf up all the grossness I am spewing, but trust me. I am a smart bitch. Smarter than most men, just ask J-Wunder.

So let's recap - your man is butt-hurt because you rejected him for so long and now that you want him, he doesn't think you want him. After you read this, make a date with him. No kids, no distractions, no bullshit. Tell him how much you love him and how much you appreciate his unconditional support through this life changing process you have gone through. Remember, he loves YOU just the way you are, so don't go back to being the big girl because you think that is the only way he will love you. Put the Twinkie down. Remind HIM that no matter how big or small you are, your love is immeasurable and will never change. Slather him with that Hallmark shit and I guarantee you are going to pound-town tonight. First class, all the way baby.

Oh, and when you want to send me a thank-you gift for this fucking gem of advice, I like scotch and big breasted women. Email the GG for details on how to send me such trinkets of gratitude.

And you are most very fucking welcome,

H-Bomb

The 70 Year Old Virgin

The Sexational Pam! Don't judge a beauty by her stage name. The Sexational Pam's pristine, untouched pearl has never dipped into the sea of peen (File that under: Why did I write that?), but she's ready to dive in. 70-year-old British jewel Pam Shaw has been waiting until marriage to get her fresh cherry plucked, but her career as a cabaret singer kept her from love. Unlike lifetime achievement award-winning man whore Tom Jones, who The Sexational Pam opened for in the 60s, she's only kissed a man. But now that she's retired and has stepped into the non-stop sunset booze cruise phase of life, she's ready to give a fuck about fucking.

Ashton Kutcher can back the hell up, because he'll never get a chance to christen The Sexational Pam's coochie. The 70-year-old virgin is picky about who she's going to dust her pearl off for. Pam opened up to the eHarmony of British tabloids, The Sun, and told them what kind of man she's looking for and why she's the perfect catch:

“Now’s the time. I’m ready to take the plunge for the right bloke. My standards are still very high, though. I’m hoping to bag a tall, dark and handsome millionaire. I feel I am ready to give marriage a go and maybe go to bed with a man. You are never too old for anything. Just look at Joan Collins. I may be 70 but I’m young at heart. People can’t believe it when I tell them my age. I think I look great, maybe because I’ve never been married or had kids. I’m fun and have bundles of energy.”

Any virgin beauty who counts Joan Collins as one of her idols is an idol of mine. Grab the KY and get the peen, Pam!

Best of Craigslist

All I have to say is...WOW!  Oh, and miss, you numbered your bullet points incorrectly.  Enjoy.

Just fucking fuck me, already.

Date: 2008-02-03, 3:29PM PST

Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who.

*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.

- Location: Seattle

- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 561877622

Advice Column: Dr. Dry Spell

Dear J-Wun,

My husband has lost all interest in sex. I've been given the advice that I should send him to a doctor. My problem, he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Sincerely,
Dr. Phil can't even help me




Dear Dr. Phil can't even help me,

I ain't gonna lie.  I'm fucking speechless.  I'm a dude, and you know what dudes like?  Sex.  Even gay dudes dig it.  Hell, old ass dudes with wrinkled ass balls, that still get hard-ons dig it.  I don't want to concentrate too much on the fact that your husband is a doctor.  Only because there is a good chance he's a fucking podiatrist and not a cockologist, and being a doctor doesn't necessarily make you an expert in every field of medicine.  What I'm about to list, you may not agree with, but I think it will help you figure out possible problems or issues with your sex life.  Here they are:

- He can't get a boner and he's too embarrassed to tell you (this happens and basically, it fucking sucks to be you)

- He likes dudes.  Somewhere down the road you did something wrong during sexual intercourse and it basically turned him off YOU, and women completely, and he wants to try some sausage now (again, sucks to be you).

- The stuff he wanted to experiment with you in bed, didn't fly with you, so as punishment, he doesn't want to bone you. So now, he takes those fantasies to the nearest strip club where he pays "Candy" a large sum of money to do whatever he wants.

- He's smashing another chick (could possibly be a co-worker, patient or a stripper/prostitute).  Plain.And.Simple.

- He's A-Sexual like Ryan Seacrest.  Don't be fooled by the story of him and that hot broad from "Dancing with the Stars" dating.  I mean, could you picture Ryan Seacrest having sex, let alone making out with some hot chick?  Thought so.

- Lastly, you may not be getting "juiced" up enough and it hurts his weiner every time he sticks it to ya.  I know you think I'm crazy but I'm just putting it out there.  This is only the case if you aren't using lube which I hope you are.  Then again, if you aren't into anything but a "missionary position" you might be clueless as to what lube is.  

Again, it really does suck to be you because while any of these things could be happening, you sit there with your vibrator/dildo/fake vibrating finger ma-bober and pleasure yourself.  I know...it's not cool.  I think the only way to solve your sexual frustrations are to maybe bone another dude or flat out ask your hubby how come he's not giving up the goods.  Better yet, while he's sleeping, give him dome (that's a blowjob for you naive people out there) and that should answer all your questions and possible doubts.  Two words:  You're Welcome!

Sincerely,

J-Wunder

Motherly Advice

Hey Vicki, your daughter Claire wants to bone down.  Why you gotta hate on that?  I totally understand that you and your hubby did the "no-sex til marriage" thing but if she wants to drop her panties and do work, let her.  Do you know how boring it would be getting a hand job, getting dome (that's code for a blow job) or munching box for a year, 6 months, 2 weeks?  Maybe I'm missing something here?  She's horny so let her body feel the need for a little dong action.

Yours Truly,

Caramel Seduction