Advice Column: Who's Your Daddy???

Dear J-Wunder,

My friend has a habit of dating low-life scumbags and has recently become impregnated by one of them.

I've tried to be as supportive as possible but she's making very poor decisions regarding the most probable baby-daddy and I just can't be supportive of these decisions.

Do I just back off and stop communicating as much with her?  OR do I tell her this is THE #1 mistake she will be making and tell her what's on my mind?  What do I do as a true friend???

Sincerely,
Trouble with Preggo Friendo



Dear Trouble with Preggo Friendo,

"Scumbag" and "Probable Baby-daddy" in the same advice column? Wow! You fucking serious? This is truly amazing. Not for you or your friend, but for my readers.

From reading your email, this situation leaves your friend, who sounds like her hobby is cock, with a really fucked up dilemma. Honestly. I mean, just reading the words "making very poor decisions with the most probable baby-daddy" makes me wonder, how many dudes did she nail before finding out she was pregnant? Don't answer that. Please.

Any woman that decides to spread eagle probably asks themselves a few things before doing the nasty:

1) Is this guy I'm fucking, worth it? Like, is this motherfucker marriage material and shit?

2) Does he have some type of wart or growth on his dong? I would love to fuck him, but will I be pissing flames tomorrow morning?

3) Would I actually date this guy? As in, not just have sex after a few drinks but have sex after a sit down meal at KFC?

4) Am I fucking him b/c I like him or am I fucking him because I really miss cock right now?

5) Is he a scumbag/douchebag? All the dick I know and love can't just be these guys, right?

Five simple questions/thoughts that go through the average woman's mind. For your friend, I bet none of these questions even touched the fucking surface. Basically, what I'm telling you is that your friend is a whore that you shouldn't look after and be that shoulder to cry on.

KILL ALL THAT NOISE.

She has shown that when dick comes to town, common sense, decency, and non-ratchet-ass behavior goes out the window like the men she bangs moments after she bangs them. When she gets dick on the brain, she melts. Not in the good way either. Like when you leave a tub of butter in a car in Fresno in July. Her brain is all congealed and shit.

Look, I get you're friends with her. You've seen her track record. And I'm almost certain you've been there for her when she contracted herpes from that "hot" guy during spring break in Mexico, then gonorrhea during that threesome for her 30th birthday party in Vegas.  Whether it was physical or emotional issues, you were there.  I feel bad that you had to see and hear about the physical stuff but I guess that's what friends are for.  BTW - what does gonorrhea look like up close?  Better yet, what does it look like on a vagina?

FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!

But c'mon, she's a grown ass woman that should be able to figure it out on her own. She's having a fucking kid for crying out loud. Sure she doesn't know who the real dad is and might need Maury Povich to help her solve the case. And it's possible that suspect #1 might leave her for some blonde midget prostitute in Tijuana, but shit...don't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.  You ain't Mother fucking Theresa, nor should you be.

Don't tell her what's on your mind because in the end, she's going to make bad choices regardless.  If she can fuck a bunch of dudes and not know who the real father is, what makes you think what you tell her, will snap some sense into what she's doing?  That's real talk.

Be her friend, but don't be her therapist and savior.  That's what Dr. Phil and God are for.

Safe Sex is Good Sex,

J-Wunder

No period? You MUST be preggers.

Help This Woman...PLEASE!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.............

Enfamil immediately stopped production of their new White Russian version of their formula after who would've been their #1 customer, Snooki, denied that her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle smushed a baby up into her. The Rapture was canceled and we were all told it was safe to go outside again, or so we thought. Page Six says that Snooki's booze sponge of a womb IS full of baby and she denied it because she was in the middle of trying to whore out the news for a dollar to the tabloids. The Rapture is back on, Enfamil can start up the conveyor belt again and we can tell the children that they're going to be the last of our kind since the world will soon end when roidy orange gremlin babies eat our entire supply of booze.

P6's source says that UsWeekly paid for the news and will put it on one of their upcoming covers as soon as they get creative approval from Lucifer since that issue will also become the new bible in Hell. Another source says that although Snooki being knocked the hell up is good news for her checking account, it's bad news for the MTV reality show she's shooting in Jersey City with JWoww (see pictures below) right now. The source put it like this:


“MTV went into crisis mode after they found out. They’re trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show. ”

The "creative direction" of any MTV show leads us all directly to the bottom of a dumpster and I don't see how that shit has to change. The only difference is that instead of giving Snooki a plastic trash can full of economy-sized booze jugs from Costco and a tanning bed, they just have to give her TWO plastic trash cans full of economy-sized booze jugs from Costco and an extra-strength tanning bed since she's boozing and tanning for two now.

News like this calls for a song from Snooki's native land! Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-we're fucked.

 via - D-Listed

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