It's 2020, folks. And while this year has already been a complete mind fuck amongst other things, one thing sticks out in the heads of many women - "Will I ever find my one true Romeo?"
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Look, I may only be the ripe damn age of 41, but what some of you have not realized is that there are 5 types of men that you constantly engage with without even knowing it. No more, no less. It doesn't take a goddamn genius to figure it out and it's a damn shame that some of you scalawags don't know any fucking better. That's why I'm here. To wake you the fuck up into the 21st Century and let you know, that what you want, you'll never get. Plain.And.Simple.
Again...5 types of guys. Agree to disagree, I don't care. This is what life has presented you and the penises that surround you. You're Fucking Welcome.
#1 The Married Type:
The perfect fucking dude. Great guy. Good morals. Good attitude. Honest. Committed. Faithful. Overall, one-hell-of-a-guy that is, "too good to be true, perfect". Ladies love this type of man. Why? Well, because he fits the bill to what a MAJORITY of women want in life. Someone that will treat them right and be there til the end. Keep in mind that even though this guy ranks #1 on 85% of females shopping list, this doesn't necessarily mean the dude wants kids. And as long as him and his girl come to that understanding, everything is all good. I mean, they are about to commit their lives to one another, so why not be on the same page after years of being together, right? However, shit happens and if they end up with kids, they should have planned better. I don't know what kind of fucked up dudes any of you date but, if you think someones mind will stay the same after dating them for a few months is normal, good fucking luck! Why do you think couples cheat? Because minds fucking change. Again, some of y'all should know better. No need to get into the subject anymore. I think the readers get the point while some still sit there confused on what the fuck just happened. Moving on...
#2 The Player Type:
The perfect guy that women don't want, but date. This guy cares about you, but he cares about other bitches he's fucking too. He doesn't want a wife. He sure as hell doesn't want kids. He will undoubtedly cheat on your ass. Why? Because that's what he does. No commitment. No morals. No remorse. Real talk. This is the guy you want minus the cheating part. Sorry to say this but, this guy right here...is your only fucking option on the "no marriage, no kids" resume. Oh, and if you want adventurous, he's right here. Just keep in mind that these lovely trips and bullshit you so dream of, won't come out of his pocket. At least for you. He'll make sure you pay for that shit on your own. Basically what I'm telling you is that you are now probably 0 for 2. This is what happens when some females make up imaginary fucking men that don't fucking exist. Congrats on being a complete dumb ass.
#3 The "Ronni Jersey Shore" Type:
If you like to get abused and thrown around a bit, date this guy. The good 'ol jealous, "I will beat your fucking head in til you're in a coma", boyfriend. Take the "married guy" type, turn him into a psycho and this is what you get. An amazing man that will go "Sleeping with the Enemy" on your ass if you get caught slippin'. He'll be faithful, love you, honor you, be there for you. Just one thing to note, you do anything that is outside his guidelines, you'll be choking on your own blood 2-3 times a month. Hope you have enough vacation days to heal those wounds when you get beat the fuck up. Is this an over-exaggeration? Well, that all depends on who you ask. Stupid bitches date these guys then play victim. You're an adult, if you're miserable, get the fuck out of it. If you pull the whole, "I'm scared for my life" card, remember this...there is something called 911 and the goddamn police. Anyway, I'm assuming this isn't your cup of tea, right? On to lucky guy #4...oh, by the way, 0 for 3.
#4 The Video Gamer Type:
He plays video games and is still a virgin. He's never masturbated a day in his goddamn life and if he were to shoot a wad, he could probably demolish a house with the heat he's probably packing inside that 4 inch dong of his. These guys are what I like to call A-Sexual. Not really sure what that means, other than, they don't like sex or women. They aren't gay and they aren't trying to become priests. These dudes play video games all damn day and think they're real. I like a good video game here and there but for fuck's sake, ain't no video game worth more than a piece of ass, IMO. If any of you know someone in this category please do me and America a huge fucking favor...get this motherfucker a prostitute and show him what busting a nut feels like. I'm pretty sure once he shoots his first-ever-wad, he will have a new hobby...it's called FUCKING. 0 for 4...ouch.
#5 The Gay Type:
No need for details here. These dudes don't like chicks. Well, only for shopping and drinking coffee and shit but, other than that, they don't dig the female species. They love dudes. Can't knock 'em for it so why argue. Even though they're in love with the "Hershey Ham Wallet" they are still dudes but just gay dudes. They will listen to you, love you, be true to you but just won't fuck you and be your boyfriend. Don't want kids? No problem. Don't want to get married? No problem. Want to have tons of sex? Yes. But with other dudes. See where this is going? You my friend are 0 for 5 and are basically fucked beyond belief. Only because, again, you want some guy that doesn't fucking exist. Get it?
So there you have it, ladies and gents...5 types of guys. It's shitty to not have what you want, and it's even shittier to have what you don't want, isn't it? Folks, whether it's you or a friend, realize some people need to chill the fuck out and realize that the man you are trying to build will never exist. Don't be like those chicks that are angry all the time but bitch on why they're still fucking single. Don't blame men on some bullshit you like to call "reality". You say you don't false advertise and lay it all out there. I say some chicks are full of fucking shit and don't come clean til after the fact (just like men, so calm the fuck down). But if what some say is true, then realize one thing...guys are smart enough to roll with it just so they can sleep with you. Call me an asshole all you want, the reality is, guys will say shit just to get in your pants. So it's up to you hoes (and I mean that in the most polite way) to either roll with it, call it out, or move the fuck on. Regardless, I'm sorry to say but...
Romeo Doesn't Exist,
J-Wunder
1 comment:
Love it. #4 had me rolling.
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