Some Women Should NEVER Give Advice To Their Friends

6:30am and my BART train pulls up to Bay Fair station. As the doors closed, what I thought was going to be a quiet ride into the city for the next 35 minutes, ended up being an awkward, angry and yet, entertaining one for not only myself, but about 65+ people.

I'm not much of an eavesdropper when it comes to people talking on the phone. Ok, I am...especially when it's broads like the one that I happened to overhear.

Now, I don't know what the fuck happened on the other end of this woman's phone, nor do I really give a shit. All I know is that the woman who I was able to hear, was not only angry, but probably lonely and bitter at ALL men in the entire fucking galaxy.

Chick: "See, here's what you need to do sista soldier...you need to call that muhfucka' up, tell him to come pick-up his shit or this is what's gonna go down...know what I sayin'?

1) I'm gonna pack all your shit up myself, put it on the curb, burn your shit down and watch all those homeless looking muhfucka's make some smores or have a barbecue. Know what I sayin'?

2) I got a hammer and yo' 60" tv...yeah, well say bye-bye-bye N'Sync style to that shit, triflin' ass.

3) I will close our checking account, transfer all our money into my personal account. Take me to court, I don't give a FUCK."

As this bitch is going through her laundry list of things on what her friend should tell her boyfriend, I look at this old ass Asian lady across from me and she straight up tells me, "That girl crazy eyes. She no good for man." Since my back is turned to Angry Spice Magee, the only thing I could tell my newly found Asian homegirl is, "Damn straight, Yoko. This bitch needs a hug or a Jerry Lewis telethon to help her craziness."

So there I was along with my new Asian homegirl, Yoko, and 65+ other people listening to this shit. Thinking this fool cheated on her with someone or did something shady, things got louder. To the point you thought this bitch was about to get in a fight. Then this was said...

Chick: "Look, it ain't right that he forgot y'all's one year anniversary and I'm saying you need to get rid of his triflin' ass. Slash his tires, bash his windows, burn all his shit and make sure he knows to remember next time. No woman deserves that, girl. Let my man do that shit to me! That muhfucka will beg for his life. I was gonna say you should cut his dick off but I don't want to cross the line and have you go to jail. Hahahaha!"

STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!!!!

This cat forgets him and his broads anniversary, she calls her friend and the friend gives all this advice?! FOR A MISSED ANNIVERSARY?! You would think these motherfuckers were dating for 10 years, too. But ONE YEAR?!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MOTHER FUCKING FUCKETY FUCKING COCK SUCKING HORSE ASS SHIT HOLE MOTHER CUNT FACE FUCK ASS BALLS SHIT TWAT PUSSY FUCKER SHIT IN THE NAME OF JESUS THE GARDENER OUT OF HERE!!!!!

This bitch went 50 shades of fucking C-R-A-Z-Y because her friends boyfriend forgot their ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY?! People, this dude didn't cheat on his girl. Didn't kill anyone. Hell, he didn't even give her the news that he might be gay. He simply forgot his one year anniversary. Now, is that a fucked up thing to do? Absolutely. But let's be honest, mother fuckers forget shit and usually get the chance to make it up. Real talk.

However, if you are the person who is angry about this, why on earth would you bother to call the one person who you probably know (and let's assume she has been good friends with this crazy bitch on BART for awhile) would overreact in an irrational and delusional ass way? I mean, I've done some shit in my life and in relationships, but never has anyone suggested to a friend or girlfriend that they do any of the shit this crazy fucking bitch mentioned as advice. I can't make this shit up, people.

When this bitch finally revealed why her friend was angry, the looks and reactions on everyones face was goddamn priceless. If you could imagine what 65+ people look like confused and completely mind-fucked, that's exactly what this fucking train looked like. Add some drool and we'd be some retarded looking mother fuckers on our way to the crazy house. Straight up.

As my stop was soon approaching, I get up, turn around and finally see what this chick looks like. Folks, the person who I overheard for 35 fucking minutes, one would think that her looks outweighed her crazy talk. Oh no. Hell no. FUCK, LORD BABY JESUS, NO. I took one look at this broad, and realized a few things:

1) She definitely was not hugged enough as a child, teenager and adult.

2) The last time she probably had sex was NEVER.

3) Her self-esteem is based on a scale of Zero to Hell.

4) She LOVES all Hostess products.

5) She is angry. And not in a "I was hurt really bad in my last relationship," angry. More like, "I will kill you, marinate you in one Paula Dean's famous butter sauces, then eat you," angry.


Some women should never give advice. I don't give a fuck how close you are to anyone. If your advice typically ends up with key words like "kill, burn, cut, slice or blackmail," then you might just want to be the drinking buddy. Or the one who is always down to just eat.

True story.

A Material Girl In A Yeasty World

Mondays/Tuesdays are usually the best days for action on BART. I think because there's a 20% off sale on crack in Fruitvale and the goddamn Tenderloin due to the overflow of stock from the weekend hood rats. Today was special for me. Not because it was the beginning of another fucked up work week, but because I had the pleasure of sitting next to the biggest, materialistic bitch on the mother fucking planet. You know that girl, right? This bitch had two designer bags, a crackberry, iPhone, iPad, fucking Prada shoes...you would think this bitch was Jennifer fucking Aniston or something. There was one catch...even though she owned almost everything a woman dreams of, she looked like her face went through a fucking meat grinder - TWICE. Look, I'm not the cutest guy in the bunch, but I can at least say I'm cute. This bitch, not so much...she looked worse than a "buttaface" but better than...well, the shit I took this morning, I guess. And as for my clothes, I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy...unless you get my ass in a suit, then I'm straight GQ Smooth. But I digress...

Knowing I was dealing with another girl who thought she was straight Beverly Hills 9021-CUNTBAG, I turned up my iPod, put on my Stunners and planned to enjoy the ride into the city. Not so fast...the chicks phone rings (really not sure which one), and it's her friend (who I'm sure is probably just as fucking twatty). I put my iPod on pause (you saw this coming) and decided to eavesdrop on her conversation...because that's what assholes like me, do. You're welcome.

Apparently, this chick went on a date with a so-called baseball player (I'm thinking AAA) and they hit it off over the weekend. Who would have thought...Fuckface Magee had a nice date with a guy that probably bangs chicks due to the fact he tell bitches he plays semi-pro baseball. Match made in heaven, right? Nothing more interesting to report outside of this since she basically described her date as, "nice and great." I just translated that as: broad might be a prude or this dude took one look at her and decided to end the date early so he could rush home to jerk off to his new porn that UPS just fucking delivered this morning. Hey, shit happens.

My attention though, really turned to what she talked about next...her OBGYN appt. Or what I like to call..."Pussy Check-up." Real talk...once this bitch opened her mouth and started talking, all I heard was pain, yeast and vagina in the same sentence. Guy on date + pain + yeast + vagina = A BAD RECIPE FOR HOMEMADE FUCKING BREAD. Not some shit moms be making either. WTF?! I'm smirking my ass off at this point and looking to see if she's trying to scratch her crotch (chicks with yeast down there do that right? haha!). At this point, she keeps talking about how it "just won't go away" and if she should go get a second opinion. Ummm...hey bitch, I'm no doctor but if you have to go get a "second opinion" on an apparent "yeast infection", I'm pretty sure it's not a yeast infection. More like the herp or some shit that isn't curable by eating a few servings of yogurt. Her conversation was so intriguing to me that I just stared at her (like a stalker, but confused as fuck)...with the most "WTF are you doing right now talking about this shit on goddamn BART" look. She put her phone down, looked back at me and said, "May I help you?" The only thing I could say was, "You for reals right now? The world doesn't need to know about the possible potato farm you're harvesting between your legs miss. That shit ain't right and honestly, it's fucking gross. Wash your shit. Damn. For reals? Jesus." She then stared at me...cross-eyed and angry. It made the situation worse since I didn't know what eye to look into so I decided to look at her shoulder, hoping one of her eyes would follow me so if I did happen to look at her, she knew I was looking AT her (or at least in the good eye). That shit just pissed her off even more. WINNING.

Cyclops probably stared at me for a good 23 seconds longer as I just waited for one eye to make contact with my eyes. It didn't happen. So I smirked. She gave me the "pfffffttt..." then attempted to roll her eyes, which btw - I didn't know people who are all cross-eyed and shit could roll their eyes. I was wrong. Learn something knew every fucking day, I guess.

Anyway, I think I threw up twice in my mouth after it was all said and done but asked myself, "Why the fuck would anybody be talking about shit like that on BART and to their friend?" If my buddy told me he had some wart on his cock and it itched really bad, I would punch that mother fucker in his face then tell him, "I'm going to blog about it. Fucking jerk." I'm just sayin'...shit ain't right.

BART - the place where daily entertainment never gets fucking old. You should ride it some time. Real talk.

The Scam Artist

For 5 years I've been riding BART from the East Bay into the city. And like every ride, there is always some fucking shit that has a brother scratching his head, wondering, "What the fuck did I just witness right now?" Another ride into the city turned into a goddamn Public Service Announcement for the "less fortunate". So the story goes...

"Excuse me ladies and gentleman...I'm sorry to bug you this evening but I desperately need your help. Me and my children were recently robbed and have lost EVERYTHING. Since we have to file paperwork, we can't get into a shelter for another 36-48 hours and need $47.97 to stay in a Motel 6 for a night.  Any help would be appreciated. God Bless."

Like I've said before, I've been commuting on this fucking train for the past 5 years. I've seen this bitch before and I've probably said something to her ass in the past. This bitch is a fucking scam artist...that's how I remember this fuckmouth. How do I know? Well, for one, I've seen her on three separate occasions pull this shit on my daily commute into the city. But this fucker always has a different story. The first time, her family just bought a house but didn't have the "means" for food. Did ya'll just read that? Someone just bought a house but couldn't afford food. Bitch, you just purchased a goddamn house...in the mother fucking Bay Area. How the fuck can you not afford food? That's like me saying I just bought a brand new BMW M5 but don't have money for gas. You fucking kidding me?! And sure enough, there are her kids with their hands out, collecting money.  Job well done you sneaky, triflin' trick. 

Incident #2 was even better. This sack of shit gets on BART and states to everyone some bullshit how she lost her job and was a recently attacked...BY A FUCKING NINJA. I'm not fucking joking you guys.  A goddamn ninja.  I think she said his name was Snake Eyes...you know, that mother fucker from G.I. Joe? In the Bay Area of all places.  Attacked this woman.  But before I go off, lets go back to the job thing really quick.  First of all, don't you need a fucking job in order to lose one? Didn't you just purchase a fucking house and ask these same daily commuters to donate money for food, like, two months ago?  And that whole act about you getting your ass whipped by an apparent "ninja" has me fucking floored by the way. A fucking ninja?! Where the fuck is there a ninja in Oakland, lady?! You mean, Raider fan mother fucker? For sucks sake...you really stated that you were attacked by a goddamn ninja. But, sure enough, her daughters hands were out and money was pouring in. Where do I sign up for the scam class you're taking? Because a mother fucker is broke these days. I need a good lesson or two. 

Event #3 was much better because it created much more drama. This time, this same lady who bought a house and couldn't afford food, lost her job and was attacked by Bruce Lee's brother, was now trying to help her family get back on their feet from some apparent "devastation" that she claimed made her lose EVERYTHING.  Her whole speech was the same but the issue was different. The daily commuters knew the drill but the few that rode BART on this very day, ate it up...until some chick stepped in and called this bitch out. "Ma'am, you need to stop with whatever you're trying to pull and get off this train. I've heard you with multiple sob stories and I'm tired of you trying to scam myself and these passengers."  The look on Scammy Spice was of complete shock and embarrassment.  I mean, I'd be pretty fucking shocked too if I got called out knowing I've been trying to pull a fast one on these folks.  You also gotta be pretty fucking stupid that the shit you're trying to pull are on people that ride the BART daily.  This bitch has to be somewhat retarded, right?  Anyway, what this passenger did by speaking up gave all the daily riders a sigh of relief.  What she said, you knew everyone else wanted to say but was too much of a goddamn pussy to say it. Me being one of those pussies. And fuck you guys for laughing. Once the call out was made, Scammy Cammy ditched the train at the next stop.

So here we are.  It's 7:30am, I'm listening to some Pac on my headphones, and this bitch is back giving a sermon on her troubles...with her three cute kids, mind you. I couldn't take this shit anymore. Listening to this bitch try to pull another fast one on some of us hard working individuals. Not only that but, she was getting her kids involved which just got me more fucking pissed off. Getting me pissed off while in a "wildcard" mood  is not a good thing. J-Wunder usually brings the goddamn thunder when this happens. And boy, did it fucking happen. "Excuse me lady, this bullshit needs to fucking stop right now.  How the fuck are you gonna pull this sob story bullshit to all these people?!  Some of us mother fuckers work hard for a goddamn living and now you want to give us some shit on how you need money and involve your three kids who should be in fucking school right now?!  People, don't listen to this fucking bitch because it's all a goddamn scam. I know this because I commute every fucking day from the East Bay to the city and I've seen her at least three times pulling this shit.  Nice try lady." That's what I said, verbatim. After my tirade, there was definitely a morning awkward silence from everyone except one guy.

"Man, you a racist." Yup, some dude that looked liked a broke ass Chad Ochocinco called me a fucking racist. All I can say is, WOW. Racist, really? See, it's stupid mother fuckers like this guy, that don't know sugar from shit and need to be educated more in life. News flash buddy - go fuck yourself because it doesn't matter if you're black, white, chinese or alienese (alien plus some other type of origin), trying to pull a scam while involving your kids is absolute fucking bullshit. So fuck you and stay out of my goddamn business asshole. Now, did I say any of that to him? No because this mother fucker was big. I wasn't trying to go to work AND get my ass kicked. All I said to him was, "Look up racism buddy. You have no clue what the fuck you're talking about. This bitch has done this too many times and I'm tired of it." Of course after my thoughtful words, he shrugs me off and gives this bitch two dollars.

With exception to this ass fuck, four other people donated money to this lady. All of who probably thought I was also a "racist". What made me laugh though, was the fact that this bitch was holding a Coach purse, sporting a Louis Vitton jacket and a fresh new do, while collecting money with her kids...who were all wearing designer clothes too. But hey, this bitch got robbed. She also lost her fucking job, bought a house, can't afford food, got attacked by a ninja and lost everything during some apparent Bay Area version of "Hurricane Katrina".

These are the people I have to deal with at least once a month.  I should have kicked her in the fucking face.  Maybe next time...   

You'll Never See His Face...

Just his BART back seat message..."I ain't a gonna lie I'm 50 Tyson."

Bart Diaries: Vegan My Ass

You know what amazes me?  People.  People that fucking lie through their goddamn teeth...and know it.  Take this morning for example.  My daily commute from the East Bay to the city.

There I am, about to turn on my IPod, when I overhear this conversation between two women sitting next to me.  They were talking about their New Year's resolutions and how excited they were to meet their goals for 2011.  The conversation was all fine and dandy until the chick next to me says, "Yeah, I've been vegan my whole life."  Wait.  What the fuck?!  Who do you people know that has been vegan their whole life and weighs 250 pounds at a staggering 5 foot 3 inches tall?  Who?  This bitch was lying through her teeth.  I mean, vegan really?  Your whole life?  250 pounds.  You look like Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens and shit.  All-star linebacker.  Could eat 10 Big Macs in one sitting.  Vegan?  Really?  Wow.

I don't like to bash on people.  Ok, maybe sometimes, but not all the time.  It just so happened that the Hamburglar over here asked for it.  How on fucking earth could you tell your friend that you've been vegan your whole life and look like that?  Veggies and tofu are supposed to be good for your ass, right?  Is there a special kind of bacon I'm missing out on that got you looking like the Kool Aid man?  Wait, lemme guess.  You got thyroid problems right?  Yeah, I have that same problem but it made my dick about 3 inches long when hard.  You could take steroids, be a vegan and still not be that hefty.  I'm being dead fucking serious.  
 
You can take all the bread in the world and pile mountains and mountains of vegetables on that mother fucker, and eat it everyday.  Shit, put a little mayo, mustard, salt and pepper on that bitch.  You still won't reach 250 pounds.  And when you say vegan, are you using it as an acronym or something?  Like, "I've been a V.E.G.A.N. (Vanilla Shakes, Egg McMuffins, Gumbo And Nachos) lover my whole life." 

I think you're using that term very loosely lady.  Actually, I know you are because your friend had this look on her face like you were full of shit too and probably eat baby goats for breakfast.

It's cool to bullshit but damn, you're trying to convince us that the sky is fucking green right now.  That ain't cool and you ain't no vegan.  You're not even big boned.  You're just big.  And I'm just sayin'.

BART Diaries: The Annoying Hot Chick

You're asking yourselves, "Annoying hot chick?"  Yes, the annoying hot chick.  Never thought in my entire life that I would want to bitch slap one so hard.

So this broad rides on the same BART, at the same time I do. And as of late, I can't stand this bitch. I don't know why I'm getting all worked up and shit, but fuck, she is fucking annoying as shit on my commute into the city.

If there is one thing I fucking hate, it's when mother fucking people chew their gum like they're a goddamn farm animal.  Better yet, they chew their gum like they're sucking dick for the first time. Looking all confused, mouth open, making weird noises.  I mean for fuck sakes, miss.  Close your fucking mouth.  I get that whatever you're chewing on is fucking mouth-watering and delicious.  I don't need sound effects coming from 20 feet away.  You're snapping your fucking gum like someone is busting caps in a goddamn drive-by.

And the big ass glasses.  Oh, fuck those glasses.  Bitch, do you realize we haven't had any fucking sun in over a week?  Either those glasses are fucking 3D or you're blind as a mother fucker.  Take the fucking glasses off cause I no you ain't hungover.  If you are, tell me where you fucking drink so I can steal those shades from you.

I started and can't stop now...

Your co-workers you talk with every fucking day on BART.  You ladies just can't shut the fuck up. For one fucking day!  I don't know how many more conversations I can take of "Praising Jesus" and "Being blessed" for coming out of your crack addiction or how one of your kids "Finally found the real baby-daddy".  I'm hood too ladies, but fuck.  Crack, bastard children, and the rude people you encounter at your receptionist job are fucking killing me right now.

And those convo's about the ultimatums you've been giving your man about marriage. After listening to how crazy you really fucking are, I wouldn't want to marry your ass either.  Who the fuck owns 10 cats?!  10 fucking cats?!  Are you fucking serious woman?!  You got more pets than a fucking animal shelter.  And I bet your place smells like cat shit.  A warehouse of cat shit.  FYI - that's why he doesn't spend the night at your house.  How would you like it if you woke up in the middle of the night, and thought you shit your pants?!  Not fun right?  Better question is, how is this guy I hear about in conversation, still dating you?

I have never met a more annoying group of individuals in my life.  Starting from the hot chick going across the board.

Now I know why I'm in a bad fucking mood when I get to work. Thanks a lot fuck faces.

I'm gonna end this post on something I literally overheard right now.

"Steph told me she caught her man having a 3-some. With two other men."

Ain't that some shit. While Steph thought she smelled bacon and eggs cooking, her man was cooking up sausage and asshole instead.  Shit like that would make a person jump off a goddamn bridge.  Me, two teens and an older woman heard this and looked at each other as if we saw someone get shot in the head.

BART...there's always some fucked up conversations from time to time. Lucky me.

Taking Notice

While listening to some Phil Collins on my way to work this morning, I'm taking notice about a few things.

1) As I stand on this train, I can easily tea bag this chick that's sleeping in the seat to my left.

2) Why is 82% of these fellow commuters either texting or talking on their cell phones? Do people really want to fucking communicate that early to one another?

3) Do the passengers that smell like complete dookie realize that they smell like complete fucking dookie? I mean, shit smells like shit right? Am I missing something here?

4) Is it really necessary to play your ghetto ass rap music on your phone for everyone to hear before 7:30am?

5) Is it even more necessary to sing along with it? We get it man. "You love to fuck them big booty bitches..."

6) How many people pretend to sleep so they don't have to give their seat up to an old person? Better yet, a pregnant lady? I see about 4 so far.

7) I never thought I would see someone who looked and dressed exactly like the rapper Kool Mo-Dee.  Let alone a woman.  Amazing! 

8) If you're gonna wear something that tight, please wear a thong.  It looks like your ass is wearing bike shorts lady. 

9) I've never seen someone push their own wheelchair while not sitting in it, til now.

10) Wearing white pants and eating a jelly donut was probably the stupidest fucking thing you could have done lady. Now it just looks like you're on your fucking period. Gross bitch. FAIL.

Never a dull moment. NEVER.

Saturday BART Ride

It's amazing the people you encounter when riding BART on a Saturday morning.  The people that surrounded me on my way back from the city to the East Bay made me wonder how on earth could a man and woman create these special individuals.

For instance, the lady sitting in front me.  It looked like her hair was made out of yarn, construction paper and hay.  Now how that looks is exactly how I described it.  Yeah, pretty fucked up, right?  The shit didn't move and the texture was breathtaking.  So amazing.

Up next, we have the sleeper.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever see one individual, sleeping with half their body in a seat while the other half was levitating in the aisle way.  It was like I had a free fucking magic show on BART.  And as a special treat, he was sleep talking.  Levitating + Sleep Talking for 30 minutes = A-MAY-ZING!

Our third and fourth special riders were huge fans of hip-hop.  How do I know?  Well, by how high the fucking volume was turned up on their IPods, two cities away could hear what they were listening to.  Yeah, it was that fucking loud.  I was at least 20 feet away from both of them and I could hear two different songs going on at the same time.  The guy sporting Ecko Unlimited looked as if his brain might explode.  Really.  If he were to turn the volume up any higher, his head would burst into musical fucking notes and Kanye West would pop out and give us a free concert on public transportation.

Our other hip-hop fan was much different.  This fan was a female and what I examined from her was interesting.  The more she was "feeling the music" the harder she was chewing the gum in her mouth.  It almost looked as if she was blowing a cock that was made out of steel or titanium.  It really looked like that.  I've never seen someone go to town on a single piece of Double Mint gum in such an aggressive way that it resembled her giving head to Robo Cock.  What also was amazing was the way she moved her body.  I felt like I was at a strip club on wheels.  A free show with a chick fully clothed giving the fans oral gestures of how she sucks the dong.  It made my eyes water.

Four people.  Totally different.  Very Interesting.  That's what I saw, that's what I examined.  Nothing made my ride more entertaining.  Until...

It's not what I saw, but it's what I heard.  A young lady talking to what seemed to be a man that gives her money.  At this point, it doesn't really matter if it was a boyfriend, lover, fuck mate, husband, dad or grandpa...it was someone that helped her out with funds.

"My math book costs me $300 for next semester, that's why I took out that extra money."  Look, I attended one of the best University's in the country.  Sure it took me five fucking years but I got a degree.  During that time, I never...ever, ever, EVER paid $300 for one fucking book.  EVER!  Now I overhear this chick that is attending a Junior College (saw a back pack she was sporting), talking about paying $300 for a math book.  A fucking math book?!  What's worse is that this is a math book that is for a Junior College class. A two-year college.  TWO.YEAR.COLLEGE.  A place where you go to get your GED completed.  If I'm paying $300 for a damn math book, that shit better have equations on how to build a fucking spaceship and a goddamn teleportation device.  That's what that shit better have.  Maybe even some codes on how to hack into the fucking Pentagon.  $300?!  You fucking serious?

I was baffled when I heard this and almost choked on my tongue.  Who was she trying to fool?  Shit, whoever it was, she fooled them pretty damn good.

Saturday BART rides.  Everyone should go sometime.  If you do, hit me up...we can make a day out of it.

Signs of a Killer?

In today's society, people seem to be a lot more crazier then when I remember growing up. Back then, I never heard of a 7 year old bringing a gun to school and killing other kids b/c he was bullied by some punk ass kid who wasn't hugged enough by his own parents. When shit like that happened back in my day, you fought. If you got your ass kicked, you move on and live your life like it never happened. End.Of.Story.

I mean, kids, teenagers and adults seem to take shit to a whole new level now. People actually blame video games for them wanting to kill 20 innocent people in a building. A fucking video game? Are you fucking serious? I guess that's why I never heard of shit like this back in the day...we were playing games like Tecmo Bowl, Double Dragon, Super Mario Bros. and Spy Hunter. Now folks be getting possessed with these characters from games talking to them through the goddamn television.

Another good excuse is music. Stuff like, "Eminem and Pantera made me want to have sex with my step sister then kill her parents..." That's some sick shit you hear these days. It's odd but sad to hear b/c I think not enough mother fuckers go see a therapist for shit they have going on in their life.

Which brings me to why I'm talking about this...

I'm on BART and this guy walks in. Shaved head, glasses, trench coat, Charles Manson t-shirt, Army boots, laptop bag, headphones on while reading what looks like a comic book on "How to kill people on a crowded fucking subway." True story. This dude definitely looks like he was made fun of from a lot of people, sat in a dark ass room while playing that Magic card game for a few years.

Now I stand here, blogging away about how I might die b/c some mother fuckers got this dude all mad. He looks like he's about to reach in his laptop bag, pull out a semi-automatic weapon and cap every one of us who looks at him the wrong way. I ain't staring at this crazy mother fucker though. I got his ass in my peripheral vision (I learned that shit in Shaolin Monk training).

I'm thinking about walking up to him and hugging him. Maybe even asking him if I can buy him a Slurpee. That's what I do when I'm scared...I offer hugs and treat people to items at 7-11.

I hope I get off my stop before he does. He has that look like he's plotting something. I aint trying to be apart of the 5 'o clock news. Crazy bastard.

Yeah, that's definitely weed

I hate when I forget my IPod when I commute to work b/c now I have to pretend that I'm reading something interesting on my Crackberry so no one will get the chance to talk to me. This is shitty b/c the doors to where I'm standing are fucking broken so now, I have to lug my happy ass 2 doors down. Luckily, there are a shit ton of seats available. Time to go through the train and grab one. *cue the music* Enter into the cloud of smoke...

Whoa! What the fuck is that? *taking in another deep breath* Yeah, that's definitely weed and the headache I had about 15 minutes ago is now gone. How is every car packed except this one? Oh, must be from the 4 dudes who look like they smoked a joint the size of a wooden fucking bat. Never seen 4 guys so high in my life.

They look like one of those drug addicts on that show "Intervention". They have that look where their eyes are rolling in back of their heads but they still seem to smile as they talk about something you can't understand.

I have Krispy Kreme donuts in my possession and I hope these guys don't kick my ass and take them. They're fresh and smell fucking delicious. Makes me actually want to smoke whatever they had and eat this whole fucking box. Fuck, why did I buy a whole box? Now I'm in danger of getting beat down b/c 4 dudes are high and hungry.

Half this train looks high. Or maybe I got a contact high and think everyone else is high? Someone just walked in this car, took a sniff in the air and smiled. I don't like drugs. Never was a fan. Last time I smoked weed was in '04.  People were floating, my dog was talking to me and I thought I was pissing myself.  True story.  But seriously, that cloud of smoke I walked into made my headache go away and is giving me the urge to eat the 11 Krispy Kreme donuts I graciously decided to bring for my department meeting this morning.

I wish I knew Spanish b/c whatever this lady behind me is talking about seems pretty intense. I'm trying to translate and I think she's trying to tell someone how to kill a turkey or a pig. I know it's not a dog b/c "perro" is dog in Spanish. That I do know. I also know "cerveza" means beer. Beer kinda sounds good right now. A really cold one with some chips and salsa.

I have a buddy named Salsa. That's his last name though. Man, what I'd do for a fucking sandwich right now. Or some fucking baby back ribs. Jesus, am I high? No way. I'm thinking about it too much, right?

Lady just walked in with her kid. In a matter of 25 seconds, she's yelled at her 90 times for being a kid. Good parenting mom. If I could have guessed, I would have thought you were getting off your shift from the corner. Do you really need to look like a whore carrying your kid around? The clear high heels, black dress that doesn't fit and the smeared mascara kinda gives it away.

The smell is going away finally. Why am I laughing right now? There's nothing funny except those 4 guys who are high as hell with their eyes still rolling to the back of their heads. I hope they're not dead. They look like they could be but dead people don't smile right? Well, unless you died while boning someone. A Mother Theresa look-alike just sat by me.

This is my stop. Time to get off. Just in time. BART Police are here.

Crazy Eyes

Have you ever been stared at?  Let me clarify that question...have you ever had a stare that said, "Hey bitch, I'm looking at you.  Look at me when I'm telepathically talking to you fucker."  Yeah, that stare.  That scary, creepy, "I'm gonna fucking kill you" stare. 

When I initially sat down on BART on my way home today, I felt THAT stare.  The only problem was, when I looked up, the creepy ass dude staring at me didn't take his eyes off me...for 25 fucking minutes!!!  Now I'm not talking about when someone looks at you, looks away, reads a book then looks back up at you.  Nah mother fuckers, I'm talking about when they stare at you and keep staring with those eyes that say, "I want to kill you."  I don't get intimidated very easily but for some shitty reason, this dude had me thinking and got me all worried like I should put my backpack in front of my chest so I can protect myself from being shot at.  He had me reflecting on some shit.  On life.  On what I could have possibly done for his crazy ass to be staring at me for 25 goddamn minutes.

The first question I had to ask myself because of my good looks and boyish charm was...did I bone his sister?  Cousin?  Mom?  Aunt?  Girlfriend maybe?  Nah, dude looked too crazy for me to even go near any female that would be related to this crazy sonofabitch. 

I know, maybe he knows someone I know, that he doesn't like?

I don't owe this mother fucker some money do I?

Which one of my brothers kicked this dudes ass to have me standing here ready to die from his revenge?

Maybe this crazy eyed cat is blind and he looks like he can see cause his eyes don't look all fucked up?

Like I said, he had me thinking about anything and everything.  I just wanted to get enough balls to give this sack of shit a big ass hug and $5's so he can go buy a Big Gulp at 7-11.  Hell, I'd give him enough money to buy a Big Gulp, a nudey mag and a pack of Newports if he would stop looking at me like he wanted to eat me alive.  "Why me?"  

We get to Oakland and the dude gets up and leaves.  All I could do was give him a half-ass smile (you know, the one where you look like you might cry before getting your ass whooped by your dad) because I didn't even know what else to do.

Whatever the case, that shit was not right and made me realize that maybe this dude read my blog a few days ago and thought my shit wasn't funny and offensive.  So not funny that maybe he should gaze into my eyes for 25 minutes while his veins popped out of his head as if he was either lifting more weight than he can handle on a bench press, or he was getting gang banged by Zeus and his buddies in Pelican Bay.  

I lived to tell another story about another crazy mother fucker on BART.

BART meet NAS

"One love to my thug ni**a's...yeah, mutha fucka...you fuckin' with a changed man...Ooooh..."

Those are the word's I'm hearing on BART right now from a guy who looks like Nas, while he's listening to his IPod. Showing the Bay Area that he got mad mother fucking skills (*currently, I'm throwing up a peace sign looking all crazy and shit*).

It started off like a rap video. Sorta like CB4's "Straight outta Locash". You know, when MC Gusto and his posse break through that piece of construction paper that was a map of Los Angeles, and they just started bustin' mad rhymes.

Yeah, the BART door opens and enters Mr. "Nas" himself, rappin' away to some jam that he wanted all of us passengers to appreciate. It started with a little mumble then he just went crazy and got louder and louder. Dropping mad shit about drinking, smokin' and big booty bitches. It was quite lovely. So lovely that the white guy standing next to him, reading his Bible, did the sign of the cross in hopes that Jesus would forgive this poor bastard and give him a job that didn't involve singing.

The best part was that "Nas" was such in a zone that he didn't care. He was flowin', and the #1 rule when you flow is simple: feel that fucking music and perform like you rappin' with Jay mother fucking Z...regardless if that shit is on a train carrying a bunch of students, working class citizens and some suspected murderers. Hey, I feel you "Nas". I was entertained bro. I just wish that when you sang the chorus that the chick was suppose to sing, that she was with you b/c quite honestly, that part sounded like straight shit.

But hey, who the fuck am I to judge? I'm just a guy who writes bullshit about cool dudes like yourself.

BART post Raiders win

Typically after Raider home games, me and my boy Jay stick around and wait for the BART crowd to die down so we don't have to deal with all the madness and stupid drunk fucks acting like, well, stupid drunk fucks. But after yesterdays win against KC, it became absolute madness!

I guess after 3 straight wins and going 3-0 in the AFC West, 61,000 crazy fans never want to leave. I'm talking about how fans were still tailgating in a packed parking lot an hour after the game while the BART platform was being regulated by every Oakland cop. Yeah, that shit was no joke.

So after the madness calmed down after an hour, I got on my train and took a seat with an ugly ass smile on my face. In front of me sat a very drunk Hispanic Raider fan, to my left was a random guy drinking a Corona and in front of that guy sat a group of Asian dudes decked out in Raider gear.  Nothing better than what I heard from these lovely fans...

The drunk Hispanic guy gets on his cell and starts to talk to his wife.  He then begins to yell, "Why didn't you watch the fucking Raider game?!  I'm a Raiders fan and you didn't watch the game?"  (Hey buddy, obviously she didn't give a shit, so enough with the verbal abuse.)  He proceeds to put the phone on speaker phone, gets his daughter on the phone and says, "Tell your mom to take the sausages out of the freezer so I can fucking eat them.  Are we having spaghetti?"  (Note, his daughter sounded like she was 3 and I really don't think she understood what the fuck this dude was saying.)  He gets off the phone then asks everyone what we think he should eat for dinner.  I almost wanted to say, "How bout when you get home, you eat your fucking pillow and go to sleep you drunk bastard."  I know I get wasted, but I don't think I have ever made a scene like this guy has...but then again, I have done some pretty embarrassing shit.  Anyway, our drunk buddy passed out and missed his exit.  Bad juju my friend, very bad juju.

Now onto my buddy that was sitting to my left.  I'll just fast forward to the dialogue he had with the people in front of him.

Corona guy: "Hey guys, were there any hot blondes at the Raider game?"

Asian dudes: "Yeah, there were shit loads of hot bitches there.  All drunk and shit!"

Corona guy: "You guys ever eat a chicks asshole out?"

Asian dudes: *scared laughter*

Corona guy: "This one time, I ate this chicks asshole out for 4 fucking hours and this bitch farted in my mouth!  Can you believe that shit?  I kinda liked it though.  Man, I love eating some asshole."

Asian dudes and surrounding fans: *silence and looks of disgust*

Corona guy gets up, sees a girl sitting across the way (she was probably 16, I think) and takes a seat right next to her.  She hears what he was saying 2 minutes prior then rushes off the next exit.  I sat there straight faced and confused.  "Did this fucking guy really just tell a bunch of us, out of the blue, that he ate some chicks asshole out for 4 hours then she farted?"  The mother fucker was serious and it shocked the living shit out of me.  Almost made me throw up all over myself.  Damn!  Never saw a group of drunk Asian dudes so uncomfortable in my life.   

It never gets old on BART.  You think you see it and hear it all, but there is always a new surprise.  Today, I'm laughing my ass off thinking about that Corona guy and the way he told the story.  I don't think I'll ever forget those words, "This bitch farted in my mouth..."  Un-fucking-real.