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Advice Column: A Not So Helping Hand

Okay, So I really need some advice...Answers, idk what. Let me just explain. I have been with my husband for 7 years. I remember the first time I saw him whack it while we were having sex. I was very turned off and didn't like it at all but I was like whatever...This is probably normal. Well 7 years later he is still choking the chicken while he's supposed to be fuckin me. It would be going great and all of a sudden he starts on it again and then complains when my pussy dries up like the damn desert. It wouldn't be Such a big deal if he didn't do it for so long. I mean why would a guy want to masturbate when he has a sexy hourglass shaped woman (who loves pleasing her man) right in front of him?? I don't know what the issue is. He was locked up for a little while before we started dating so maybe he picked it up while in the big house? But that was over seven damn years ago. Idk I'm sorry to just be going on and on but I need some help. All I want to know is if It's normal and if so, up to what point is it too much?

Thank you,
Competing with a hand



Dear Competing With A Hand,

I'm glad you wrote in for two reasons:

1) I am the master of Sexcapades.

2) I am the master of yanking thy wang.

Put those two amazing things together and you get, "J-Wunder: Pussy Slayer". But enough about me, this is about you and the problem you're having with your man, his masturbating addiction and your lack of a sex life. Grab some paper, a pen and pay close fucking attention.

Now, I don't know if you know this about men but there is an ancient Chinese secret that's been around since Jesus was pimpin' on bitches during wine and bread breaking parties. Wanna know what that long lost secret that's really not a secret, is? Come closer. Closerrrrr. Closerrrrr...don't be shy. Ok, stop. You ready to find out this 48 Hours Mystery? Check it:

MEN LOVE TO MASTURBATE.

Pretty fucked up secret that's really not a secret, right? Are you fucking retarded woman? Wake the fuck up. Is this normal? Um, do you wipe your ass after you take a shit? OF COURSE IT'S NORMAL. Well, I mean, I yank my wang all the time so I would think it's normal. If J-Wunder does it, then a majority of males do it. We're the 99% if you know what I'm saying.

I sat on your question trying to find an answer. Not a scientific or philosophical one. But an honest one. So what I'm about to say might probably offend you but hey, you wrote in to me, so why the fuck do I care if you're offended. I just tell it how it is. Maybe by the end of this column you'll fucking thank me and get the fuck over yourself.

There are two reasons why he masturbates as much as he has for as long as he has.

1) YOU ARE AWFUL IN BED.

As you sit there cursing at your computer screen calling me an asshole and probably a pencil dick mother fucker, truth be told, just because you like to please your man, doesn't mean you're PLEASING your man. Hey, I like to think my dick is 10 inches long, but is it? Negative. You're horny all the time and want the Dum Dum Dick Pop? Congrats to you. Still doesn't mean that you're a good lay. If a dude would rather jerk off in front of you, next to you, in the other room, on a sandwich, at church, on the dance floor in a club, driving home, playing golf, drinking a beer, sleeping, taking a shit or while taking out the trash then FUCK YOU SILLY...there's a problem. And you're it. Sad, I know.

RULE #29 ON TALKING ABOUT SEX: Never admit a fault you have to a guy named J-Wunder.

Your pussy dries up like a desert? If you've been with your husband for 7 years and he's masturbated more times then you two have boned, this is probably one of the reasons. Not sure if you heard of this amazing thing called "lube" but you should try it sometime. It helps sandpaper pussy victims like yourself, feel like a pool of jello...not the pudding kind either because that would be like fucking a chick with a yeast infection. But I wouldn't know anything about that so don't fucking raise your eyebrows and think I have, fuckers. You can get this shit practically anywhere. Just make sure if you actually buy this shit and use it, don't use massive amounts. You do that, you and your husband will be sure to have a goddamn slip 'n slide party and I guarantee some mother fucker might fly from the bed out through the mother fucking window. True story.

Even though dudes jerk off, we still love the female bunker. However, for your husband, your pussy is getting overpowered by the Handerson Twins. Trust me, he uses both hands. If not all the time, some of the time. Men like to mix that shit up. Can't be having forearms all uneven and shit. Which brings me to my next and final point...


2) YOU ARE AWFUL IN BED AND HE'S ADDICTED TO MASTURBATING.

You know what's worse than being a bad lay? Knowing that your husband has had better sex fucking his hand. Real talk.

I'll admit, I will yank my pole 2-3 times a day. How-the-fuck-ever, I will bang a chick 3-4 times a day in the process. This is me getting the best of both worlds. Why? 1) I love to bone. Plain.And.Simple. 2) I'm a dude that loves to jerk off. I don't know what the fuck it is but I can't stop myself. Since I can't have a piece of pussy with me 24/7 while it's constantly on my mind, a brother has to do what he needs to do to relieve himself. That's where Handa Montana comes in. I get mine all by my lonesome then 4 hours later, lady friend gets hers AND I get mine again. Double fucking whammy.

Your situation isn't like mine. Hell no it ain't. It's actually worse. Way worse. Like, you're better off leaving him or just playing with your hoo-ha when he whacks off, worse. There is no denying the fact your man is addicted to jerking off. A LOT. If a guy is fucking a chick and suddenly decides to whip his shit out of your sand trap and jerk off for the next 10 minutes in front of you, there's a problem. One of those problems being YOU and the second, well, you know the second problem the minute he whips his dick out and starts fucking his hand like it's the second coming of Jenna Jameson. Not many guys I know would ever do that, but the guys I do know, are just like your husband. "But what if that's not it J-Wunder and he's gay?" Well my dear, not only are you a bad lay and he's addicted to masturbating but he likes dicks too. That has got to be the worst fucking way to go out in a marriage. "Hey guys, Joey and I are getting a divorce. It seems that he not only dislikes the way I fuck him with my sandpaper vagina but, he would rather masturbate at all hours of the day while get ass rammed by another man with a lubed up wang." Sweet Tits, that's not the conversation you need to have, let alone, need to think about. BUT, it wouldn't surprise me because nothing surprises me these days.

There's really no solution I have for you other than to go see a sex therapist or get your shit together. No man should or would ever turn down pussy unless he's gay or paralyzed. I don't care how addicted he is to fucking his hand, if the pussy is there, that should be his addiction. Find something to mix things up and get your pussy like that jello I was talking about. Why? Put it this way, if he can masturbate with the same two hands for years and get off by doing so, then why can't you give him something that won't bore him, or become uninterested in? You have a set of tits, sexy hourglass shaped body and a goddamn vagina. If you can't take his attention away from his hands at least twice a day and keep it there, please go run into oncoming traffic and hope the man of your pussy willow dreams hits you with his car.

Keep Your Eyes On The Prize,

J-Wunder

Masturbation Break

A Mother's Gift

Da Fuck I Just Read?!

Jerk On!!!!

Not THAT Perv, The OTHER Perv

Handy Andy

Man's Best Friend

The greatest friend any man can ever have....... drumroll folks.....

Is his HAND. Whether it be the left one or the right one, one thing's certain...a man and his hand, is a bond that could never be broken. If some of you have no fucking clue where this is going, I'm going to tell you...MEN LOVE SEX. So it's no surprise that they also LOVE TO MASTURBATE. JERK OFF. CHOKE THEIR CHICKEN. YANK THEIR TUBE STEAK. POLE VAULT.

You get the picture.

With a bond so strong between a man and his hand, there's only one issue. It's that some women, hate us men having that bond. But why? Is it because they feel like we're cheating? Are they jealous? Thinking about other bitches? Blowing a load far bigger than they could ever give us at that climactic state of being pleasured? The good news: we aren't cheating. The bad news: we ARE thinking about other bitches...but hey, we're not fuckin' 'em so get that angry ass smirk off your face right now (oh, if you AND your man are reading this together, stop hitting him for laughing). And as far as blowing a bigger load in the corner of the shower then on your tummy, ass, face or back? Well, sometimes mother fuckers, that too. And I don't think we should be sorry. But don't think for one goddamn second that we don't love your pussy, because we fucking do goddamnit! Mother fuckers just need a little alone time with the one thing that has been with us since day one. And damnit, you bitches just don't give up the pussy quite often enough.

I ain't gonna lie, I love to fucking jerk off. Hell, I LOVE sex. Bottom line, anything that would make me feel like my dick exploded and my brains bursted out of my fucking head, I'm "all in" bitches. I would fuck til I ejaculated my intestines. True story. That's how much I love fucking sex. For example: if I were to jack off and you said to me 30 seconds later, "Hey J-Wun, you wanna fuck my brains out you naughty little mother fucker, you?" Guess what? I'm fucking you. My dick: HARD. Your vagina: PULVERIZED.

GAME.SET.MATCH. J-Wunder wins...FATALITY (as you lie there, legs spread so far the fuck out and crippled, that you look like a goddamn retarded giraffe, with nicer hair).

I call it my special talent.

All I'm saying, is that it would be some Mortal fucking Kombat shit. So why get angry ladies? Don't waste your time with that shit. Just because us dudes jack off like a group of monkeys fighting over a few bananas doesn't mean we're gonna stop fucking you. If anything, WE.LOVE.FUCKING.YOUR.AMAZING.VAGINA. But again, we just have a bond that we can't break and don't want to. It's called: having your cake and eating it too. Only in this scenario, there's one vagina and our buddy, Palmala Handerson.

Put it this way...what would you rather us do? Fuck some bitch that gives us herpes and then turn around and give it to you? OR...jack off to some porn and still be faithful and disease free? That's what I fucking thought.

And I bet you never fucking thought of that marvelous idea, huh? I know you haven't because why? Because you're too caught up with us and the bond that we have with our hand. Check it ladies...men jerking off is like women masturbating: it's a deed that needs to be done. Anytime. Anywhere. At any hour of the day. Don't sit there and lie to yourself and say that you've never done it anywhere except your house either. If you love to fuck and get the pleasure of climatication (new word...you're welcome), I'm positive you've put your hand down your fucking pants in your office bathroom, in your car or some dark ass alley at 2am. Shit, I know I have.

So beautiful females who we love to fuck so dearly, let us men rejoice and fucking yank our dicks. Whenever and as much as we like. In the shower. On the bed watching porn. Or on the couch while Enya is playing. Don't take away that bond that we have had for so long with our hands. Realize, without that bond, we wouldn't know what the fuck to do if we had some weird yogurt looking shit fly out of our dick when we had sex for the first time. Now, you wouldn't want that to happen, would ya? Real talk.

I'm done. Not because I want to stop writing but, because I'm about to go jerk off to some Katy Perry. Peace bitches.

It's like free porn...

Meet the World's Champion Masturbator!!!

Hit pause on your Anal Assault 19 clip, put down your Jergen's, and pull up your drawers. Masanobu Sato has got this. He's been declared the World's Champion Masturbator! He's even got a trophy that should totally be a bronze casting of a crumpled tissue but isn't. For you horny bitches who worry that your measly three shots a day in the stall at work might constitute a chronic masturbation problem which is going to get your ass fired when you're found out, think again. According to Kotaku, Sato's record is 9 HOURS AND 59 MINUTES. The judge needs to throw out GaGa's former assistant's sad-ass lawsuit and move on to this one, because Sato's dick has a better case! How does one's peen take that much punishment? The poor thing's probably in tiny traction by now with third degree chafing burns. Amnesty International needs to save that cock from its cruel captor causing it to dry-cum over and over again!

Sato has a live-in girlfriend (!!!) who he doesn't have sex with because she's busy making dresses and timing his efforts. And weeping. Once you watch the vid, you'll note that their apartment is tiny. She must have an umbrella on standby due to his preference for porn. Yes, The World's Champion Masturbator has some hang-ups about sex with live girls. He doesn't even wank to live-action porn. He fucks his fist to hentai (NSFW) because girls are "dirty" and they "smell". Sato's lady and Kate Minor might have some self-esteem issues in common.

Japan is an interesting (read - sucio) place where you can purchase used panties from vending machines, so this is probably no big whoop for them. One of their gameshows involves dudes racing each other after receiving enemas and riding bikes with the seats INSIDE THEM. How much is airfare to Japan from Boston? Check out Sato's story in the video below (NSFW).

Don't worry...he doesn't show his wang. Hahahahaha!

The Car Makes More Sense...